The Legend of Link: Ocarina of Time
by Master Frodo Baggins
Summary: The epic (and humorous) story of a boy and his transition from a small child to the Hero that was prophesized to liberate Hyrule from the reign of Ganon, King of Evil. Chapter 19 coming soon! PG-13 in anticipation of The Shadow Temple.
1. A Hero is Born Sort of

**The Legend of Link:** **Ocarina of Time—Part I **     

**_Chapter I: A Hero Is Born…Sorta_**

     _Before life began, before the world had form, three golden goddesses descended upon the chaotic land that was_ _Hyrule.  They were Din, goddess of power, Nayru, goddess of wisdom, and Farore, goddess of courage._

_     Din, with her strong flaming arms cultivated the land and created the red earth.  Nayru poured her wisdom onto the earth to give the spirit of law to the world.  Farore's rich soul created all life forms that would uphold the law._

_     These three goddesses then returned to the heavens, leaving behind the golden sacred Triforce.  Since then the Triforce has become the basis for Hyrule's providence, and where the Triforce stood became the Sacred Realm._

     In the vast, deep forest of Hyrule there lived the Kokiri, the children of the forest.  Each Kokiri had his or her own guardian fairy.  However, there was one boy who did not have a fairy.  This boy's name was Link.  Link was troubled by a strange dream lately.  In the dream he was standing before a tall gate.  The drawbridge lowered to reveal a scene of a girl ridding a horse.  Then, following her was a man clad in black armor.  The man would stop and face Link, raise his hand…then suddenly the dream would end, and Link would wake up…sometimes.

     Link was not aware, though, that someone else knew about his dreams…

**Great Deku Tree:** Hey Navi!  Get over here!

**Navi:** Yes Great Deku Tree, you called?

**Great Deku Tree: **Yeah, I want you to get the boy who can't stand nightmares because he's a big baby and bring him to me.

**Navi:** Ok, I'm going!

Back in Link's house…or tree…whatever…

**Link (sleeping):** No!  Not the man with the big nose!

**Navi:** Whew!  I finally made it!  Hey you, wake up!

**Link (still sleeping):** Five more minutes mommy.

**Navi:** No you can't have five more minutes, and don't call me mommy!

**Link (still asleep): **Please, mommy?

**Navi: **No!  And stop calling me mommy!

Navi starts to shake Link.

**Navi:** HEY!  WAKE UP, WAKE UP, WAKE UP, WAKE UP, WAKE UP!

**Link (still sleeping): **I don't wanna go to school today mommy!

**Navi: STOP CALLING ME MOMMY!**

(Pause)

**Link (still sleeping):** Ok mom.

**Navi: ARGHH!**

Navi then grabs the pot on the table and throws it at Link.  She misses and it goes out the window.

**Bacon Kokiri (from outside): **Hey!  You knocked over my bacon!

**Link (now FINALLY awake):** Bacon?  Where?

He sees Navi.

**Link: **AHHHHH!!!!  Firefly!  Kill it, kill it, kill it!

He starts to whack Navi with his pillow repeatedly.

**Navi: **Stop it!

She grabs the pillow from Link and whacks him in the head.

**Link: **Ow.

**Navi: **Now listen!  The Great Deku Tree has summoned you, so you have to come with me!

(Pause)

**Link:** Why?

**Navi:** Because the Great Deku Tree said so, and he's the boss.

(Another pause)

**Link: **Why?

**Navi:** Just because!  Now come on!

**Link (energetically): **Ok!

They both climbed down the ladder and were greeted by Saria.

**Saria: **Hi Link!

**Link: **Hey Saria, look at my new fairy!

Link grabs Navi in a tight grip and holds her out.

**Link: **See.

Navi says in a muffled voice,

**Navi: **Hey!  Let go of me!  I'm not an object for display!  And who said _YOU _owned _ME?_

**Saria: **Wow! That's great Link!  I'm so happy for you!

**Link:** Yeah, I know, I'm happy for me too.  Now Mido can't tease me about having no fairy!  Ha!

**Mido: **Hey Mr. No Fairy!

**Link:** Oh great.

Mido came strutting over to them.

**Mido (who has a slow, deep voice): **Hey, what's that you got there?

He tore Navi out of Link's hands, nearly breaking her wing.

**Navi: **Hey!  Stop!  That hurts!

Mido dropped Navi in surprise, his piggish eyes as wide open as he could make them.

**Mido:** A fairy!?

Link made a proud face.

**Link:** Yeah.  No more Mr. No Fairy for me!

Mido quickly realized how dumb he looked (I mean dumber than usual) and changed his face into an angry one.

**Mido:** Who did you steal this from?

**Link (bewildered):** No one.  I didn't steal it.

**Mido:** Yes you did!  No one would just give a fairy to a worthless runt like you!

Link gave Mido a threatening look.

**Link:** Say that again Mido.  I dare you.

**Mido:** You're a worthless, fairy-stealing runt, and you look like Peter Pan!

**Link:** That's it!

Link made an attempt to tackle Mido, but Mido jumped out of the way with Navi still in hand.  Link fell to the ground with a thud.

**Mido:** Ha!  Can't even tackle properly!  I think I'll just take this fairy and find out who it really belongs to!

Mido ran off with Navi and disappeared.

**Link:** Ouch, my head!  Great!  Now he's got my fairy!

**Saria:** Maybe you should go and get her back?

**Link:** And suffer another head injury?  I think not!

**Saria:** You could just ask politely.

**Link:** Or I could find a sword and shield that have been hidden deep in the forest for many years, cut the belt to Mido's tunic resulting in his underwear being revealed in public to all the Kokiri and making him completely humiliated which would throw off his guard just long enough to get my fairy back and continue on with my destiny.

**Saria:** Or you could do that.

So after a long and tiring search for a sword and shield that have been hidden deep in the forest for many years, Link finally had both and went to "talk" to Mido, cleverly hiding his sword behind his back. He put on a fake grin and said,

**Link:** Hey Mido, old buddy!

**Mido:** You again, Peter?  What is it this time?

**Link (wearing a grin that he couldn't contain):** I was just wondering, do you wear boxers or briefs?

**Mido:** What the heck?  What are you-AAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Link had swiftly sliced Mido's belt and his tunic was now lying at his feet.  All the Kokiri nearby started laughing.

**Link (Trying hard to stop laughing):** Ok, briefs.

Link took advantage of Mido's shock and grabbed Navi from his fat hand.  Mido, coming back to his senses, ran back to his house screaming.

**Mido:** AHHHHHH!  MOMMMMMYYYYYYY!

**Link:** Shield-40 rupees.  Sword-200 rupees.  Cutting down Mido's pants-priceless.

**Navi:** There are some things money can't buy,

**Link:** For everything else, there're bushes.

**Navi:** Ok, we'd better get going.  The Great Deku Tree will be waiting for us.

**Link (reluctantly): **All right, I'm coming.

**END** **OF** **CHAPTER**


	2. Inside the Digestive System of the Great...

**_Chapter II:_** **_The Digestive System of the Great Deku Tree_**

     Last we checked on them, Link and Navi were on their way to see the Great Deku Tree.  Well, they're still on their way to see the Great Deku Tree, but they're now lost.

**Navi:** I thought you knew a shortcut!

**Link:** I do!  It just takes awhile.

**Navi:** Doallyourshortcutstake2hours?

**Link:** No!  None of them do!  They all take exactly 1 hour 59 minutes.

**Navi:** So, basically 2 hours.

**Link: **No, 1 hour and 59 minutes!

**Navi:** 2 hours!

**Link:** 1 hour and 59 minutes!

**Navi:** 2 hours!

**Link:** 1 hour and 59 minutes!

**Navi:** 2- wait a second, haven't we been here before?

**Link:** Maybe.

**Navi:** Yes we have!  See, there're our footprints!

**Link:** You mean MY footprints.  You don't have feet!

**Navi:** Yeah, well I'm not the one who got us lost, now am I moron!

**Link:** We're not lost!  I know exactly where we are!

Link looks around, looking confused.

**Link:** Um…

**Navi:** Don't tell me, we're lost.

**Link (energetically):** Yep!  Guess so!

**Navi:** So aren't you gonna find a way back?

(Pause)

**Link:** Why?

**Navi:** Because the Great Deku Tree is waiting for us!

(Another pause)

**Link:** Why?

**Navi:** Because he needs you to break his curse!

(Another pause)

**Link:** Why?

**Navi:** Because if you don't, he'll die!

(ANOTHER pause)

**Link:** So?

**Navi:** ARGHHH!   Just do it!

**Link (energetically):** Ok!

So after a LONG search to find a way back, they are now on the correct path to the Great Deku Tree.

**Link:** La di da!

Then, all of a sudden, three stick-like figures with large purple heads pop out of the ground.

**Link:** AHHHHH!  MOMMY!  Don't let them kill me!

Link curls up into a ball and hides in a corner.

**Navi:** Get up you big baby!  They can't even move!

**Link:** Huh, what?  Oh, I knew that all along!  (Using a formal voice now)  Ha, weak inferior beings!  Now that you have aroused the anger of the great Link, you shall die!  I can already sense your fear!

The Deku Babas continue to snap their mouths, taking no notice of what Link just said.

**Link:** Resistance is useless!  Now DIE!

Link cuts the stems of all three plants and they fall to the ground, lifeless.

**Link:** Muhahahaha!

**Navi:** Freak.

Link now marches to the Great Deku Tree's meadow with Navi following close behind.

**Link (still in his formal voice):** Great Deku Tree, I have come!

**Deku Tree:** It's about time!  I'm not getting any younger over here!

**Link (now casual):** Yeah, you don't look it either.

The Deku tree gives Link an evil glare.

**Deku Tree:** Now, do what you're told!  Go inside me and break the curse!

The Deku Tree opens up his mouth.

**Link:** Oh, yeah right!  Bet you think I look like an easy snack, do you?  Well I ain't falling for it, barkbreath!  No one's eating me!

**Navi:** Just do what he says.

**Link:** So you're in on it too!  What, did he promise you the head or something?  That's it!  I've had enough of this!

Link starts to walk away when something grabbed him by the leg.

**Link:** AHHHHH!  IT'S GOT ME!!!!

He looked down to see one of the Deku Tree's branches around his ankle.

**Link:** NO! YOU EVIL TREE!  YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!

Link was about to grab his sword when 2 more branches grabbed his arms.

**Link (glaring at the tree):** Cheater.

Then the Deku Tree threw Link inside his mouth and Navi went in after him.

**Link:** NOOOOOO!

Then the mouth closed shut.

**Link:** I officially hate trees.  Never mention the word tree ever again, especially ones that can talk and like to eat little boys.

**Navi:** Tree.

**Link (giving Navi an evil look):** I hate you.

**Navi:** HEY!

**Link:** What?

**Navi:** LISTEN!

**Link:** I already was.

**Navi:** LOOK!

**Link:** AT WHAT!?!

**Navi:** I think you can break through this web if you fall from a high place.

**Link:** Or I could just do this.

Link takes out his sword and cuts the web open.

**Navi:** Hey! That's not the way it's supposed to go!

**Link:** Well that's the way it's gonna be, so get used to it!

**Navi (giving Link an evil look):** I hate you.

Link then jumped down into the water below, and Navi fluttered down after him. Well, at least he thought it was water.

**Link**: Yuk!  What the heck is this stuff?  Ach!  It stings!

**Navi:** Well, what's inside of your stomach?

**Link:** Ouch! Hot! Get me outta here!

Link quickly jumped out of the stuff and ran into the nearby door.

**Link:** Blecch!  Gross!

Link was shaking off the stuff when a nut came out of nowhere and hit him.

**Link: **Ow!  What the?

He looked around and saw a single, small Deku Scrub looking strait at him.

**Link: **Oh, so you're the smart guy who thought it'd be cool to hit me with a nut, huh? 

The Deku Scrub stared back, innocently.

**Link: **Well I've got news for you, DIE!

Link charged at the scrub, but it ducked into the ground and Link went slamming into the wall.

**Link:** OUCH! 

The scrub then popped back out and shot Link in the butt with a nut.

**Link:** OW! Hey!  I'm gonna kill you scrub!

The scrub makes an evil little giggle and pops back in its hole.

**Link:** Yeah, right.  Like that's gonna work this time!

Link goes over and grabs the scrub by the…hair?  Anyway, he pulls him up out of the ground.

**Deku Scrub:** Ow!  I'm sorry mister!  If you let me go I'll never do it again!

**Link:** Yeah right!  Like I'm supposed to trust you!

**Deku Scrub:** Ok, and I'll give you a clue of how to beat my brothers up ahead.

**Link:** And?

**Deku Scrub: **Sigh Ok, and I'll give you a really cool slingshot.

**Link:** Cool! All right, it's a deal!

**Deku Scrub:** Ok, in order to beat my brothers up ahead you'll have to beat them in the proper order.  The order is, 2-3-1.  Oh, and here's the slingshot.

**Link:** Ok, Navi. Let's go!

Link and Navi reached the scrub's room, where they found three Deku Scrubs sitting around a blank T.V., all eating popcorn.  All of a sudden, all three burst out laughing.

**D.S.#2:**  Hahaha!  That's so funny!

**D.S.#1:**  Yeah, it is.

**D.S.#3:** Wait!  Here comes the good part!

(Pause)

**D.S. #s 1, 2, and 3:  **HAHAHAHA!!!!!!

**Link:** Whatcha watching?

**D.S.#3:** The T.V.

**Link:** Ooooo!  I love this channel!

He sits down with the scrubs.

(Pause)

**All four of them:** Ahhhhhhh!

**D.S.#2:** Boy!  That was scary!

**Link:** Yeah, it was!  I nearly wet my pants!

**D.S.#1:** I really wet my pants!

**D.S.#3:** You don't have any pants.

**D.S.#1: **Oh, woops!

**Navi:** Ahem!

**Link:** What?

**Navi:** Don't you have something to do?

**Link:** Oh, fine.  Hey guys, which one of you are scrubs 1, 2, or 3?

**D.S.#1:** Well, he's number 2, I'm number 1 and that guy's number 3.

**Link:** Thanks.

He takes out his slingshot and shoots them in the proper order.

**D.S.#2:** Ow.

He freezes.

**D.S.#3:** Ow.

He freezes.

**D.S.#1:** Ow.

He starts hopping around the room.  Link goes over and grabs him by the…hair?

**D.S.#1:** Ouch!  Hey, that hurts!  If you let me go I'll tell you how to beat Queen Ghoma.

**Link:** I think I've got a better idea. (He drags him over to the door.) How about you beat her for me?

Link shoves him in the door and goes in after him.

**D.S.#1:** NOOOOOO!

Ghoma falls to the ground right in front of the scrub.  The scrub starts to pelt her with nuts.

**Link (sitting on a folding chair while eating some popcorn): **Ha!  Not so tough when you don't have your little holes to hide in, now are you?

Ghoma is lying on the floor stunned but the scrub isn't doing any real damage to her.  Then he runs out of ammo.

**D.S.#1:** Oh shoot!

**Link:** Well you can't so ha!

Ghoma comes back to her senses and squashes the scrub like a bug.  She then turns to Link.

**Link:** What a loser!  Ok your highness, let's go!

He tosses some popcorn at her eye, which makes her stop to rub it.  Link quickly runs up and slashes at it, and after a few swings she lays at his feet.

**Link:** Wimp.

Suddenly, a blue light and a heart appear.

**Link:** Oooo! Pretty heart!

**Navi:** I don't know if you should touch that!

**Link:** Yeah, right.  What harm could it do?

He takes it and runs into the blue portal.  He suddenly appears back at the Deku Tree's meadow.

**Deku Tree:** Well Link, you broke the curse.  But since you're an idiot and took my heart out, I'm gonna die anyway.

**Link:** Oh well.  Nobody liked you anyway.

The Deku Tree gives Link a dirty look.

**Deku Tree:**  Since the game programmers have made me give you this stone, which is beyond my control, take it and leave me to die in peace!

He throws it at Link, which hits him in the head.

**Link:** Ow.

**Deku Tree:** Oh, and you get Navi too.

**Navi:** **WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?** Great Deku Tree, why do I have to go with him!?!?!?!?!?!  Can't you stop it?!?!?

**Deku Tree:** Nope!  Game programming!

**Navi:** **ARGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**Deku Tree:** Now get outta here!

Link hops out of the meadow and Navi (reluctantly) follows.  But they don't get too far.

**Mido:** You killed him, didn't you!?!

**Link:** No, Navi did.

**Navi:** HEY!

**Mido:** Well I don't care who killed him, I'm making you leave!

**Link:** Yeah, you and what army?

**Mido:** This one.

All the Kokiri (minus Saria) appear suddenly behind Mido.

**Link:** Oh.

**Mido:** Leave now and never come back.

**Link: **No.

**Mido: **Leave now and never come back.

**Link: **No.

**Mido: **Leave now and never come back!

**Link (energetically): **Ok!

He walks towards the exit of the forest, but is stopped by Saria.

**Saria:** Hey Link.  Leaving?

**Link**: Yep!

**Saria:** Here take this!

She hands him an ocarina.

**Link:** Ok, thanks!

**Saria:** Bye!

**Link:** Bye!

**END** **OF** **CHAPTER**


	3. The Princess of Hyrule

**_Chapter III: _****_The Princess of Hyrule_**

**Link:** Whoa!  This place is bigger than Mido!

Link and Navi are looking out onto the vast Hyrule Field. 

**Link:** So where do we go next?

**Navi:** I don't know, why don't you ask someone?

**Link:** Who?

**Strange Voice:** Boo.

**Link:** AHHHHHH!

**Kaepora Gaebora:** Haha, scared you!

**Link:** Never…do that…again!

**Kaepora Gaebora:** Sorry, I couldn't help it!

**Link:** Who are you anyway?

**Kaepora Gaebora:** Um…I'm…your guardian angel!

**Link:** Wow.  I didn't know angels were so ugly!

**Kaepora Gaebora (giving link an evil glare):** As your guardian angel you must listen to me.  You must go to Hyrule Castle to see the Princess there.

(Pause)

**Link:** Why?

**Navi:** Oh no!  Not again!

**Kaepora Gaebora:** Because she needs you to help her save Hyrule.

(Another pause)

**Link:** Why?

**Kaepora Gaebora:** Because it's your destiny!

(ANOTHER pause)

**Link:** Why?

**Kaepora Gaebora:** ARGHHH!  Just do it!

**Link (energetically):** Ok!

**Navi:** Do you have to do that every chapter?

**Link:** Yep!

**Kaepora Gaebora: **Now get going!

**Link:** All right!  See ya!

The "angel" flies off and Link and Navi continue no their way to the castle.  So they walk, and walk, and walk, and walk, and walk, and walk, and walk, and walk.  Then just for the heck of it they walk some more.  Eventually, late in the day, they reach a hill.  When they reached the top they could see the castle drawbridge.

**Link:** I think I've seen that somewhere before…oh well!

**Navi:** Come on!  We gotta get there before dark!

**Link:** All right!  You don't need to get all huffy about it!

**Navi:** Well we'd probably be there already if it wasn't for your little shortcut!

**Link:** Well it doesn't matter anymore.  We're almost there.

Link and Navi are now standing in front of the closed drawbridge.

**Navi:** I told you we shouldn't have taken that shortcut!

**Link:** Yeah, well if you didn't keep on telling me to stop at every sign along the way maybe we would have made it!

**Navi:** Well you had to stop to go to the bathroom every 5 minutes!

**Link:** Well you had to-Wait!  Did you hear something?

**Navi:** Yeah.

**Link:** What do ya think it was?

**Navi:** Dunno.  Maybe it was-

**Link:** There it was again!

**Navi: **M-m-maybe we should go and find a place to stay.

**Link:** Yeah.

They had just turned to go when something suddenly popped out of the ground.

**Link:** AHHHHHH!  It's coming to get me!

He starts to run in the opposite direction when two more pop out of the ground in front of him.

**Link:** AHHHHH!

Some more pop out and soon both Navi and Link are surrounded.  Then, one of the skeleton like creatures start to talk.

**Stalchild #5:** Hehe.  Looks like some kid was stupid enough to be out after dark.

**Stalchild #7:** We're gonna have some fun tonight!

**Stalchild #3:** You're gonna regret this kid!

**Link:** Oh, you wanna play, huh?  Ok.  Let's play.

Link unsheathes his sword.

**Stalchild #6:** Hey, um, boss?  He's got a shiny, pointy thing.

**Stalchild #1:** So?

**Stalchild #4:** We might get hurt.

**Stalchild #1:** Oh you big babies!  There's 10 of us and only two of them!  We'll cream them! Now, come on!

Link cuts off the heads of two of them and they wander around with their hands out in front of them.

**Stalchild #2:** Where'd my head go, or my body?  How am I talking?  I'll just sit on this rock and think, without my head.

Stalchild #2 sits on top of his head.

Link slices off a few more heads, and in a couple of minutes there are ten headless stalchildren running around.

**Link:** Ha!  Suckers!

Then the sun comes up. 

**Stalchild #4:** Ach!  The sun!  It blinds my eyes that I no longer have!

**Stalchild #1:** Come on guys!  Let's scram!

They all disappear into the ground.

**Link:** What losers!  Anyway the drawbridge is down, so let's go in!

**Navi:** You know, this all wouldn't have happened if you didn't take that shortcut.

**Link:** Hey!  Don't start that again!

They walk over the drawbridge and into Hyrule Market.

**Link**: Listen, I hear music!

**Navi:** Hey!  That's my line!

They hear some music in the distance.  As they get closer they distinguish it.

**Link:** AHHHHH!  RAP MUSIC!  RUN!!!!

The both of them run through the Market, getting glimpses of gangs and graffiti walls.  They finally reach the other end of town.

**Link:** I never want to go through there again!

**Navi:** Well too bad, because you have to go back that way.

**Link (In a melancholy voice):** Don't remind me.

**Voice from Link's right:** Hey!

**Link:** AHHHHH!  It's one of them!

**Malon:** No, my name's Malon.

**Link:** Oh.

**Malon:** Oooo!  You're a fairy boy from the forest, aren't you?

**Link:** Great.  I go from Mr. No Fairy, to fairy boy.

**Malon:** Are you going to the castle?

**Link:**  Who wants to know?

**Malon:** If you are would you get my dad for me?  He probably fell asleep.  If you do, I'll give you this egg.

**Link:** What would I want a stupid egg for?

Navi hits him in the side.

**Link:** Ow!  Oh, fine.  I'll find your dad.

**Malon:** Oh, thank you!  Here's the egg I promised.

**Link:** Ok, Navi.  Come on.

They come to the castle gates and are face-to-face with a guard.

**Link (In his formal voice):** O great guard of the castle, willist thou let the cute, young, helpless, poor-

**Navi:** Get on with it already!

**Link:** Oh.  Great guard, please, let me pass!

**Guard (felling important):** Yes young child, I shall let thou pass.

**Link:** Thank you, great guard of the castle, I-

**Guard:** For ten rupees.

**Link (casual again):** WHAT?  TEN RUPEES! What an outrage!  I'm not paying that much just to get through a stupid gate! 

Link marches off back towards the market.  On the way, though, he sees a vine on the gate's walls.

**Link:** Hehe. I think I've found my way up!

Link climbs up the vine, sneaks past all the guards, and swims to the side of the castle by way of the moat.  As he gets out he hears what sounds like a giant roar.

**Link:** Ahhh! W-w-what's that?

He takes out his sword, shaking worse than the rumble feature.  As he rounds the corner, he sees a huge lump on the ground. 

**Link:** gulp O-o-ok, h-here I go.

Link charges at the lump, but stops a few feet from it, surprised.

**Link:** AHHHHH!  It's worse than I thought! It's a-a-BIG FAT GUY!!!!

**Navi:** Maybe he's that one girl's father?

**Link:** Yeah, I do see a resemblance.

**Navi:** Now Link, don't be mean.

**Link:** Oh, I'm sorry guy.  I didn't mean to insult you.

**Navi:** Arghh!

**Link:** Um…will you wake up?

**Fat Guy:** Snore

**Link:** HEY! WAKE UP!

**Fat Guy:** Snore

**Link:** Bacon!

**Fat Guy:** Bacon!  Where?

**Link:** Sorry, Navi ate it all.

**Navi:** Hey!

**Fat Guy:** Awww.  Oh well.  Hi!  My name's Talon!  I own Lon Lon Ranch!

**Link:** Are you Malon's father?

**Talon:** Yeah, why?

**Link:** Because she's looking for you.

**Talon (sounding terrified):** O-o-oh n-n-no!  Sh-sh-she'll kill me! AHHHHH!

Talon runs off.

**Link:** Ok…that was weird.

**Navi:** Come on! I see a hole in the side of the castle!  Maybe you could fit through!

**Link:** All right!  Keep your pants on…or your little fairy dust…or whatever.

Link gets into the hole and crawls into the castle.  He runs over to a wall but suddenly stops.  Navi runs into his back.

**Navi:** Ow!  Hey!  What's the big idea?

**Link (in a whisper):** Look!

She looks around the corner and sees a few guards circling a pillar.

**Guards:** Ring around the pillar! A pocket full of…Miller?

**Link: **That's it then!  We can't get past that!

**Navi:** Oh stop it.

**Link:** Wait!  I've just had an idea!

**Navi:** What?

Link takes out the egg and tosses it over to the opposite corner.

**Guard #2:** Hey!  What was that?

**Guard #1:** Maybe some kid tossed it to get us off guard so he could get to the princess.

**Guard #2:** Then let's go see what it is!

**Guard #1:** Ok!

The guards leave to go see the egg and Link and Navi slip past them.

**Link:** Boy!  That was easy!

**Navi:** There's the princess's courtyard!

Link and Navi walk into the courtyard and see a girl sitting on one of the stone rails of a platform.  Link walks up behind her and sees that she is holding a GBA.

**Link:** Whatcha playing?

**The Princess:** A Link to the Past.

**Link:** Ooooo!  I love this game!

He sits down next to her.

**The Princess:** My name's Zelda.  What's yours?

**Link:** Link.  Where are you?

**Zelda:** Well, I'm in the fourth level, the one with the Blind dude.  But I'm stuck getting to the boss room.

**Link:** Oh, yeah.  That part's hard.

**Voice From the other side of the room: **Ahem!

**Zelda:** Oh.  Hi Impa.

**Impa:** Aren't you forgetting something?

(Zelda stops playing to think)

**Zelda:** Oh yeah!  I forgot the boss key!  I can't believe myself!  How could I have been so dumb!

**Impa:** Anything else?

(She stops to think again)

**Zelda:** Nope!  I think I'm set after that!

**Impa:** YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THINKING OF A WAY TO SAVE HYRULE!

**Zelda:** Ok!  No need to throw a cow!  Just let me finish this temple!

She tries to ignore Impa and continue playing but Impa grabs the GBA and throws it into the moat.

**Zelda:** Hey!  Why'd ya do that?

**Impa:** You have 20 others just like it.

**Zelda:** Yeah, but that was my favorite one!

**Impa:** Ahem!

**Zelda:** Oh fine!  Hey Link, do ya wanna be the Hero of Time?

**Link:** Sure!

**Zelda:** Ok then!  All you have to do is go and find two other stones just like the one you already have and bring them back to the Temple of Time.

**Link:** All right, sounds easy enough.  But how'd you know about my stone?

**Zelda:** Game programming.

**Link:** Oh.

**Zelda:** Here, take this letter.  It's got my autograph on it so you can basically do whatever you want.

**Link:** Ok thanks!

**Zelda:** Impa will teach you some song that's supposed to help you somehow.

**Link:** All right.

**Impa:** Ok, follow my lead.

She plays some notes on her…fingers? Anyway, Link plays them back perfectly somehow.  Must be the game programming.

**Impa:** I will now lead you back out of the castle.

**Link:** Ok, but do you know a way to skip the market?

**Impa:** Nope!

**Link:** Oh darn it.

So after surviving the market, they reach the drawbridge.

**Impa:** You should head to Kakariko Village.  The mountain that shadows it, Death Mountain, is where the Gorons live.  They have the second stone.

**Link:** All right!  I'll get to it then!  Bye!

Impa disappears in a flash of light.

**Navi:** Wow!  The Hero of Time!  I wonder what Saria would say?

**Link:** Why would you wonder that?

**Navi:** Game programming.

**Link:** Oh.

**Navi:** So let's go see her!

**Link:** Fine.

So they head back to the forest.

**END** **OF** **CHAPTER**


	4. Lost in the Lost Woods

**_Chapter IV:_** **_Lost in the Lost Woods_**

**Link:** Ahh!  The smell of the forest air!  So humid, so plant like, and full of these weird little bug things.

**Mido:** **YOU!**

**Link:** Oh crud.

**Mido:** WHAT…THE HECK…ARE…YOU…**DOING HERE!?!**

**Link:** Well I was…um…bye!

Link runs off to the Lost Woods with Navi fluttering behind.

**Mido:** **RARRRR!**

Mido quickly stomps towards them, shaking the ground as he goes.  Can't tell if it's from his rage or his weight…oh well.

**Link:** RUN!  RUN FOR YOUR LIFE NAVI!  Wait, what am I saying?  STAY NAVI, STAY PUT!

Mido pulls out a machine gun.

**Link:** Whoa!  Where did you get that?

**Mido:** I got it off a site called "Machine guns for little Kokiri kids who want to kill a guy named Link".

**Link:** Oh.

(Pause)

**Link:** AHHHHH!

Link runs off in terror with Navi and Mido following.  Mido is blowing holes into peoples houses and hats.

**Bacon Kokiri:** Awww.  That was my last hat.

**Mido:**  BUAHAHAHA!

He trips over a rock.

**Mido**: Ow.

Link runs off into the Lost Woods

**Link (yelling back to Mido):** SUCKER!

**Mido:** I'LL GET YOU SOMEDAY LINK!  I SWEAR IT!

**Link:** Yeah, right.

**Navi:** So how are we gonna get through here?

**Link:** Don't worry, I know a shortcut!

**Navi:** Oh no!  I'm not taking another one of your, "shortcuts"!

**Link:** Awww, come on!  It'll take only 1 hour and 59 minutes!

**Navi:** You mean 2 hours.

**Link:** Sigh No, 1 hour and 59 minutes!

**Navi:** 2 hours!

**Link:** 1 hour and 59 minutes!

They go on like this for another 1 hour and 59 minutes, before Navi realizes that they are already there.

**Navi:** Hey!  We're already there!

**Link:** Yeah, and it only took 1 hour and 59 minutes!

**Navi:** You mean we were on it the whole time!?!

**Link:** Haha!  Yep!

**Navi (giving Link an evil look):** I hate you.

They march into the forest meadow, where they find a big maze.

**Link:** Whoa!  A big maze!

**Navi:** Come on!  Let's get through it!

So Link and Navi get into the maze and, almost instantly, Link gets hit in the side with a nut.

**Link:** Ow!  What the-

He looks to his right to see a lone Deku scrub, staring back at him.

**Link:** One of you!

The scrub stares back.

**Link:** Hehe, I know how to deal with you!

Link walks over to it and the scrub starts to run away.

**Link:** Hey!  Get back here!

He starts to run too and eventually he reaches a dead end.  He suddenly stops.  There are about a dozen other Deku scrubs standing in front of him, looking a lot bigger than the other ones, and all looking angry.

**Deku Scrub #1:** Were you the one pestering my son?!

**Link:** Um…n-n-no sir!  I-I was just p-p-passing through w-when your son hit me with a nut.

**D. S. #1:** Son, is this true?

**D.S. child:** No daddy.

**Link:** What!  But you-

The Dekus give Link a look like they're about to commit murder.

**Link:** Hehe.  I'll just be going now.

He starts to slowly back up.  Then, all of a sudden, he breaks out into a fast run.  But the Dekus are quicker than Link expected and catch up to him.

**Link:** No!  Take this!

He slices them and they go Pop!

**Link (Staring blankly):** That was weird.

Then more Dekus appear in the distance, and Link runs for his life, while hoping they caught Navi.  Eventually, he reaches a stairway and runs up it, through the hall, and up to a clearing.  He sees Saria sitting on a stump.

**Link:** Hey look!  It's Saria sitting on a stump!

**Narrator:** Do you always have to copy what I say?

**Link:** Yeah!  It's loads of fun!

**Narrator:** ARGGHHH!

Anyway, he goes over to her.

**Link:** Hi!

**Saria:** Oh, hi Link!  Wanna learn this song I made up that you have to play to the Goron king so he'll let you get the spiritual stone?

**Link:** Well, I don't know…

Navi shoves him in the side.

**Link:** Ow!  Still alive, huh?  Ok, fine.  I'll learn your song.

**Saria:** Ok!  It goes like this.

She plays some notes on her ocarina and, like usual, Link plays them back perfectly.

**Saria:** Great!  If you ever want to talk to me just play this song, I can hear you at any time!

**Link (in an undertone):** Well I won't be playing it very often then.

Navi hits him in the side again.

**Link:** Hey!  Stop doing that!

**Saria:** See ya Link!

**Link:** Ok, bye!

Link and Navi head back down the stairs, only to meet the Dekus again.

**Link:** Gulp

**D.S.#1:** There's no escaping this time, bud.  Were gonna tear you limb from limb!

**Link:** Hey!  This is PG, so why don't we keep it that way, ok pal?

**D.S.#1:** Haha!  I think not!

**Link:** Sigh Oh well, it was worth a try!

**D.S.#1:** Charge!

**Link:** AHHHHH!

Link runs past them screaming and doesn't even get touched because the Dekus are too busy plugging their ears.

**D.S.#1:** Hey!  All of you, STOP!  You don't even have ears!

**D.S.#7:** Oh.

**D.S.#1:** Go get him!

So Link is chased out of the Lost Woods buy a bunch of Deku Scrubs, but they don't stop there!  They chase him into the Kokiri forest.

**Mido:** Haha!  I knew you'd come back this way!

He's holding out his machine gun right in Link's face.

**Link:** Now Mido, I'm sure we can work something- AHHHH!

Mido pulled the trigger if the gun and it made a click sound.

**Mido:** Oh crud!  It's outta ammo!

**Link:** Haha!

Mido tosses the gun aside and joins in the Dekus chase.

**Link:** AHHHHHH!

They chase him out of the forest, but finally stop on the borders.

**D.S.#3:** Hey boss!  I ain't leaven' the forest!

**D.S.#9:** Yeah, me neither!

**Mido:** Yeah, me neither!

**D.S.#5:** Yeah, me-

**D.S.#1:** Oh stop it already!

(Silence)

**D.S.#1:** Besides, I don't wanna leave either.  Our work is finished boys…or Dekus…whatever.

So Link and Navi are FINALLY on their way to the mountain.  They get stuck out at night again, though, and take 3 and a half of Link's "shortcuts", so after about a week they finally make it…but that's for next chapter! Sorry! =)

**END** **OF** **CHAPTER**


	5. Guards, Graveyards, and Gorons, Oh My!

**_Chapter V: Guards, Graveyards, and Gorons, Oh My!_**

**Guard:** Welcome to Kakariko Village, home of human clocks and crazy cucco keepers.

**Link:** What's a human clock?

**Guard:** Me!  The time is…(checks his watch)…56:79!

**Link:** Oh…and what's a cucco?

**Guard:** That!

He points to a cucco only a few yards away.

**Link:** Oh!  A chicken!

**Guard:** No, a cucco! 

**Link:** Huh?

**Guard:** Cuccos are cuter.

**Link:** Ooookaaay…

Link walks over to the cucco.

**Link:** Hello little cucco!  DIE!

He starts to charge at it but Navi stops him.

**Navi:** I don't know if that would be a very smart thing to do…

**Link:** Yeah, well you don't know nothing! AHAHAHA!

He repeatedly swipes at the chick-I mean cucco with his sword.  But then…

**Cucco:** COCK-A-DODLE-DOOOOOO!!!!!!

**Link:** What?!?

**Cucco:** COCK-A-DODLE-DOOOOOO!!!!!!

**Link:** Come again?

**Cucco:** COCK-A-DODLE-DOOOOOO!!!!!!

All of a sudden, a swarm of chick-I mean cuccos come out of nowhere and charge at Link.

**Link:** AHHHH! OH NO!  IT'S THE ATTACK OF THE KILLER CHICKENS!

**Guard:** CUCCOS!

**Link:** Yeah, whatever.  AHHHHH! RUN!

Link runs away, having absolutely no clue of were he was going.  Eventually, he reaches an archway, and finds himself in a…

**Link:** G-g-g-graveyard!

**Navi:** M-m-maybe we should turn back.

**Link:** And face the evil, killer chickens of doom again?  Not for me!

**Guard:** CUCCOS!

**Link:** Yeah, whatever.

He walks over to the back of the graveyard where he finds a huge headstone with a symbol engraved on the ground in front of it.

**Navi:** LOOK!

**Link:** Ow!  Would you stop doing that?!

**Navi:** There's the Triforce on the ground here!

**Link:** I know what to do!

He pulls out his ocarina.

**Navi:** How'd ya know that?

**Link:** Game Programming.

**Navi:** Oh.

He plays some random notes and accidentally plays the song Impa taught him; Zelda's Lullaby.  All of a sudden, a storm starts and some lightning somehow hits the gravestone, shattering it to pieces.

**Link:** Cool!

He goes over to where there used to be a gravestone.  Now, there's just a hole in the ground.

**Link:** It looks kinda deep.

**Navi:** Why don't you go in?

**Link:** Yeah right!  Do you think I look like an idiot?

**Navi:** Yeah.

**Link (giving Navi an evil look):** I hate you.

Navi pushes him in.

**Link:** AHHHHH!

She follows.

**Link:** Whoa, it's dark in here!

He walks a few paces then hears some noises.

**Link:** W-what was that?

As if from nowhere, four bat-like things fly down from the ceiling and attack Link.

**Link:** AHHHH! GO AWAY EVIL BAT THINGS!

**Navi:** Actually, they're called Keese.

**Link:** I don't care what they're called!  Just how do I kill them?!

**Navi:** Use the slingshot, duh!

**Link:** Oh.

He shoots all four down quite quickly and the door ahead opens.

**Link:** Come on!  Let's go before any more of those things come!  But you can stay if you want to.

**Navi:** No.

**Link:** Oh darn it.

Link and Navi walk into the next room, which is glowing with an eerie green light.

**Link: **Gulp H-h-here I g-go.

Link slowly walks forward.  As he reaches the end of the corridor, he sees a terrifying sight.

**Link (absolutely terrified):** Oh my…

There are 4 tall figures in the room, all of which are wearing pink, flowery dresses.  And all of them are chanting some weird saying.

**Re-dead #3:** Iowoveuooooo.

**Link:** W-w-what a-are they s-s-saying?

**Navi:** I-it s-sounds like…I-I-I love you!

**Link:** Oh n-no!

One of the ReDeads comes toward Link.

**Re-dead #1(In a REALLY shrill voice): **Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!

**Link:** AHHHHH!

**Re-Dead #1:** My name's Ned, Ned the Re-dead!

**Link:** M-m-m-m-m-my n-n-n-n-name's L-L-L-Link.

**Ned (in his shrill voice):** Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

**Link:** AHHHHHHHHHH!

Ned hugs Link.

**Ned:** Iowoveuooooo.

**Link:** GET AWAY FROM ME YOU BARNEY WANNA BE!

Link cuts off one of Ned's arms and runs off towards the other side of the room.  He looks back to see two other ReDeads helping Ned tape his arm back on.

**Link:** AHHHHHHHHHHH-hey!  We're out!

**Navi:** Hey!  Look at this wall!  There's something written on it!

**Link:** Ooooo! A poem!

**Poem (not out loud of course):** I'm not very good at these things, but here it goes!

A rising son will wake up cranky, a boring life will…fade?

From son to daughter, daughter to…grandson?

Give peaceful rest to… guys in pink?!

By Me.

**Link:** Wow.  I wish I were that talented.

**Navi:** Yeah, I bet you do.

**Link:** Hey look, some notes!

Link plays the notes perfectly, like always, and somehow memorizes them forever.

**Link: **Cool!

**Navi:** How are we gonna get out?

**Link:** Hmmmm…

**Link:** Haha!  It worked!

Link had just played the song and all the ReDeads in the room were now frozen solid.  He went up to Ned and put out his tongue.

**Link:** Nana nener neeener!  Ha!  Loser!

Then Ned came back to consciousness.

**Link:** Oh no.

**Ned:** Iowoveuooooo!

**Link:** NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He runs out of the room as quickly as possible.

**Link (trying to catch his breath):** That…was…the scariest thing…I have…ever seen!

**Navi:** I thought it was hilarious!

**Link (giving Navi an evil look):** I hate you.

As Link exited the cave he was "greeted" by a couple of ghosts.

**Ghost # 2:** Boo!

**Link:** AHHHHHH!

**Ghost #1:** Hi!  My name's Sharp, and I dress well.  That's my brother Flat.  He has problems with cars.

**Link:** H-h-hi.

**Flat:** Hey!  Did you learn our secret song!?

**Link (in a high squeaky voice):** Yeah.

**Sharp:** Ooooh, you're gonna pay…

**Link:** I'm sorry!  I didn't mean-

**Sharp:** Fifty rupees.

**Link:** …Oh.

**Flat:** Yeah, that's not freeware ya know!

**Link:** Sure, here.

Link hands them the rupees.

**Sharp:** Pleasure doing business with you!

**Flat:** Come again!

**Link:** O-Ok.

The two ghosts disappear.

**Link:** Ok…that was weird.

**Navi:** Come on.  Let's go.

**Link:** Yeah.

So they left the graveyard, but forgot one thing…

**Link:** AHHHHHHH!  KILLER CHICKENS OF DOOM!

**Guard:** CUCCOS!

**Link:** Yeah, whatever.  RUN!

He runs from the chick- I mean cuccos, but is stopped by a lady along the way.

**Lady:** Please, help me find my chick-I mean cuccos!

**Link: **What do you think those are!?

He points up towards the angry cuccos.

**Lady:** Oh, thank you!  Now just find a way to get them into the pen.

**Link:** You do it lady.  I'm tired of dealing with-

She pulls out a machine gun.

**Link:** Oh no.  Not again.  Let me guess, you got it off a site called "Machine guns for chicken keepers who want to kill a guy named Link"?

**Lady:** No.  I just had this in my dresser.

**Link:** Oh.

**Lady:** Now, CAPTURE MY CHICK-I MEAN CUCCOS!

**Link:** Fine, lady.  HEY CHICK-I MEAN CUCCOS!  COME ON DOWN HERE!

The cuccos dive towards Link.

**Link:** Oh crud.

In a flash, Link pulls out his slingshot and shoots all the cuccos.

**Cucco #4:** Ow.

He freezes

**Cucco #5:** Ow.

He freezes.

This goes on, and soon there are seven frozen cuccos lying in the pen.

**Lady:** Oh, thank you!  Here's a reward for you!

She hands him a bottle.

**Link:** What am I supposed to do with this!?

**Lady:** It's a bottle!  You can store things in it like potions, bugs, and fairies.

Link looks at Navi, grinning evilly.

**Navi:** What?!  Why are you looking at me like that?!?

Link now was at the gate to the path up Death Mountain.  There was a guard at the gate, keeping watch.

**Link:** Hey mister!  Can you let me through?

**Guard:** Nope.

**Link:** Hey!  Why not?!

**Guard:** Don't got no password.

**Link:** Well shoot!  Where's Navi when you need her?

**Navi (muffled):** In your pocket moron!

**Link:** Oh yeah!

He pulls out his new bottle, and inside of it is Navi.

**Link:** Hey!  What do I do?

**Navi:** Let me out and I'll tell you.

(Pause)

**Link:** Why?

**Navi:** I just gave you a reason, moron!  So do it!

**Link (energetically):** Ok!

He lets Navi out of the bottle.

**Navi (grinning evilly):** Now, go hit your head against that wall for a while, then it will open.

**Link:** All right.

He hits his head until it gives him a headache.

**Link (exhausted):** Owwwww!

**Navi:** Haha!  Sucker!

**Link (trying to give Navi an evil look but really just looking stupid):** I hate you.

**Navi:** Have you tried that letter that the Princess gave you?

**Link:** Um…no.

**Navi:** Well?

Link pulls out the letter and reads it.

**Letter (not out loud): **Hey, this is Zelda.  This kid is gonna save Hyrule, so do what he says.  And here's this password thingy that some guard might want: Bubblybutt.

**Link:** Hey!  How did you know about the password?

**Letter (still not out loud):** P.S. Game programming.

**Link:** Oh.  Hey, guard dude!  The password is Bubblybutt!

**Guard:** It is?

**Link:** Um…yeah.

**Guard:** Ok!  Go on through!

**Link:** Thanks!

They begin to walk up the pass, and after a little while, they see something up ahead.

**Link:** Hey, what's that?

The thing starts to scuffle in a circle until it faces Link.  Then it starts to jump towards him.

**Link:** AHHHHHHH!

**Navi:** Do you have to get afraid of every enemy along the way?

**Link:** Actually, yes.

He pulls out a sheet of paper.

**Link:** According to my contract, rule #2 is I have to scream at every enemy along the way with the exceptions of Deku scrubs and the bosses.

**Navi:** Ooookaaay.

**Link:** Anyway,  ahem, AHHHHHHHHH!

Link runs away, passing the Tektite who isn't fast enough to catch up.  He goes on until he reaches a boulder, with a smaller boulder next to it.

**Link:** I gotta take a breather.

He sits down on top of the rock…well; at least he thought it was a rock.

**Rock:** Goro?

The rock sits up and Link falls off it, backwards.

**Link:** AHHHHHHHH!

**Goron:** Hello.  I'm a Goron.  We eat rocks.

**Link:** And what makes you think I'd wanna know that?!

**Goron:** Um…game programming?

**Link:** Yeah, sure.

**Goron:** But lately, we haven't been able to get to our favorite rocks.  They're in the Dodongo's Cavern.  This rock here is blocking the entrance so we can't get in.

**Link:** Why don't you just eat the rock?

**Goron:** Um…game programming?

**Link:** Yeah, right.  See ya!

He continues on the path when, all of a sudden, the ground starts to shake.

**Link:** W-what i-is t-that?

In the distance, he saw something heading towards him at high speed.

**Link:** AHHHHHHH!

It was one of the Gorons, curled up into a ball.  Link started to run, but wasn't nearly fast enough.  He got smashed into the ground by the runaway Goron.

**Link:** Owwwww!  Ohhh, my head.

The Goron had run into a wall and now was sitting up.

**Goron:** Hello.  I'm a Goron.  We eat rocks.

**Link (annoyed):** I know.

**Goron:** Have you been to our city? It's only a little ways away.

**Link:** No, but I have to go there.

**Goron: **Ok, all you have to do is go strait that way, take a right at the third rock, then go left after the first wood pole, another left at the next rock you see, then walk backwards to the wood pole and circle it twenty-three and a half times.  After all that, go southeast towards the cliff over there and walk along the border until you reach a second wood pole.  Tell it the password: bob, and then the city will appear over to your left.  Got it?

**Link:** Snore

**Navi:** ARGGHHH!  Bacon!

**Link:** Huh?  Bacon!  Where?

**Goron:** All right, see ya!

**Link:** Yeah…um…bye!

The Goron leaves them.

**Link:** So, what did he say?

**Navi:** Sigh He said all you have to do is go strait that way, take a right at the third rock, then go left after the first wood pole, another left at the next rock you see, then walk backwards to the wood pole and circle it twenty-three and a half times.  After all that, go southeast towards the cliff over there and walk along the border until you reach a second wood pole.  Tell it the password: bob, and then the city will appear over to your left.  Got it?

**Link:** Snore

**Navi (in a monotone):** Great.  Bacon.

**Link:** Huh?  Bacon!  Where?

**Navi:** Just find the city already!  The readers will get bored!

**Link (energetically):** Ok!

So Navi guides Link to the city, but they still get lost a couple of times taking some of Link's, "shortcuts".  Anyway, after a while they get to the city.

**Link:** Whoa!  This is one big cave!

**Navi:** I wouldn't say that their home is a cave.

(Pause)

**Link:** Why?

**Navi:** I'm not playing that game anymore!

**Link:** Awww.

**Goron:** Hello.  I'm a Goron.  We eat rocks.

**Link (annoyed):** So I've heard.  Hey, where's your king?

**Goron:** Oh, Big Brother?  He locked himself up in his room.

**Link:** Where's that?

**Goron:** Down there.

The Goron points to the bottom floor.

**Link:** That's a long way down!

**Navi (grinning evilly):** Hehe!

She pushes Link off the edge.

**Link:** AHHHHH!

Navi flew down after him.

**Link:** What'd ya do that for?

**Goron:** You could have taken the stairs.

**Navi:** Woops.

**Link (giving Navi an evil look):** I hate you.

Link walks over to "Big Brother's" door, which has another Goron sitting next to it.

**Goron:** Hello.  I'm a Goron. We-

**Link (annoyed again):** Yeah, yeah, I know.  You eat rocks.  Just tell me how to get through this door.

**Goron:** Oh.  Um…knock?

Link knocks.

**Voice from inside:** Hello?

**Link:** Um…Hi.  I'm Link.  I have to talk to you.

**Voice from inside:** Well talk to me some other time!  I'm not letting anyone in!  Luckily I took the key from under the doormat…wait!  Where is it?!  Oh crud!

Link goes over to the mat and gets the key.

**Link:** Haha.  Loser!

He opens the door and walks inside.  He sees a REALLY big Goron standing in the back of the room.

**Link:** Hey, guy!  I need the spiritual stone!

**"Big Brother":** Hey!  I do have a name you know.  It's Darunia.

**Link:** Oh, sorry.

**Darunia:** But you can't have the spiritual stone.

**Link:** Why not!

**Darunia:** Because I'm in a bad mood.

**Link:** Ooookaaaay…why's that?

**Darunia:** Because…I-I looked in a mirror the other day, and realized…t-that…I'm fat!

He starts to bawl like a baby.

**Link:** Awww.  I'm sorry big guy.

Darunia starts to cry even louder.

**Link:** I meant _little_ guy! Little!

**Darunia:** Sniff Ok.

**Link:** Hey!  Wanna hear a song that's supposed to make you give me the spiritual stone?

**Darunia:** Ok!

Link plays the song and Darunia starts to dance like mad, knocking over pots and other objects as he waltzes around the room.  Eventually, the music stops.

**Darunia:** Hey!  That's one catchy tune!

**Link:** Thanks.  Now do I get the spiritual stone?

**Darunia:** Nope.

**Link:** WHY NOT!?!

**Darunia:** Game programming.

**Link:** Oh.  I'm starting to dislike this game programming stuff.

**Darunia:** But I will give you this!

He hands Link a golden bracelet.

**Link:** Girls jewelry!?

**Darunia:** No.  It's GORONS jewelry.  If you put it on you'll be super strong!

**Link:** Great.

**Darunia:** If you go beat the evil things inside of Dodongo's Cavern, THEN I'll give you the spiritual stone.

**Link:** Fine!  Have it your way!

Link stomps out of the room in rage.  He exits the city looking really annoyed.

**Link:** I HATE Gorons.  Never mention the word Goron again.  Especially ones that like to rip off little boys.

**Navi:** Goron.

**Link:** Argghhh!

**Navi:** So how're we gonna get past the rock?

**Link:** Dunno.

They walk around pointlessly until they meet a Goron who is standing next to some weird looking flower.

**Goron:** Hello. I'm a-

**Link:** DON'T, say it.

**Goron:** Ok.

**Link:** What is that?

**Goron:** That's a Bomb Flower. They can blow stuff up.

**Link:** Cool.  Can they blow up big rocks?

**Goron:** Um…dunno.  Probably.

**Link:** Hehe.

He picks it up and throws it off the cliff.  Somehow, it miraculously lands on top of the rock and it blows to pieces.

**Link:** All right!  Bull's eye!

**Navi:** Come on!  Let's go!

**Link (annoyed):** All right!  I'm coming!

**END** **OF** **CHAPTER**


	6. The Dodongo's Explosive Cavern

**_Chapter VI:_** **_The Dodongo's "Explosive" Cavern_**

**Link:** Darn it!  Why won't it break!?

Link had been trying to break down a wall that stood in their way for the past hour.  His hands were bruised and his head was throbbing.  (Navi had used the same mean trick on him that she used at the gate.)

**Navi:** Link!  Will you just-

**Link:** I'm not listening!  I'm not listening!

**Navi:** Sigh

Link kept on banning against the wall, until he became just too tired to do so, and sat down.

**Link (in a whiney sort of voice):** Why won't it open!

He looked around the room and saw a strange box.

**Link:** Hey!  What's that?

**Navi (in an "I told you so" voice):** I've been trying to tell you for the past hour, you have to pay this box to get through!

**Link:** Oh.  Well if you'd just stop telling me lies, maybe I would have listened!

**Navi:** Yeah, well you're the one who stuck me in a bottle!

**Link:** Well I wouldn't have if you weren't such a blabbermouth!

**Navi:** Well…ARGGHHHHHHH!

**Link:** Haha!  I win!

**Navi:** You so do not!

**Link:** Uh huh.

Link walked over to the strange box and read the plaque above it.

**Plaque (not out loud):** Welcome to Dodongo's Explosive Cavern!  Please deposit 10 rupees if you wish to enter.  If you do, please note that you agree to our "Terms of Agreement".

**Link:** What are those?

**Plaque (still not out loud):** Look at the fine print near the bottom of this notice for the "Terms of Agreement".

**Link:** Oh.

At the bottom he read,

**Plaque (still not out loud):** The "Terms of Agreement" are:

You do not hold us responsible for any injuries occurred during your stay, Once you enter there are no refunds and, Do not feed the Dodongos. 

**Link: **Ok.

He put in some rupees and the wall in front of them shattered.

**Link:** Ha!  I am triumphant!

**Navi:** Geek.

Link walks through the newly opened doorway and finds himself in a huge room, with a lava pit at the bottom.  There are three pillars in the lava and a large pillar in the center of all of them.

**Link:** Well…here goes nothing!

**Navi:** Don't you mean everything?

**Link:** Yeah, sure.  Whatever.

Link jumps onto one of the pillars and instantly, all three begin to sink into the lava.

**Link:** AHHHHH!  IT'S SINKING!

**Navi:** Well do something!

**Link:** What?!

**Navi:** Anything!

**Link (energetically):** Ok!

Link gets on his knees

**Link:** Please!  Let it stop!

The pillars were inches from the lava when suddenly they stopped.

**Link:** Huh?

**Navi:** It stopped!

**Link:** Yay!  Thank you!

He got up and then the pillar started to rise.

**Link:** Um…what's happening?

**Navi:** You expect me to know!?!

**Link:** Yeah.

**Navi:** Uggghhhh.

The pillar reached the same height as the large, central pillar.  Link jumped off onto it and saw something sitting on the center of it.

**Link:** Ok…now what is that!?

Link walked up to it and stared at the spinning, ball looking thing on the top of it.  As it spun around, Link eventually saw that it had one, big eye.

**Link:** Hi!

**Eye thing:** (blinks at Link once then fires a laser at him.)

**Link:** AHHHHHH!

Link started to run in circles around the eye thing, away from the laser that was following him.  He does this for a couple of hours until the eye thing malfunctions and blows up.

**Link:** Yay!

The fried eye fires a single laser beam at Link and hits him in the stomach.

**Link: **Ow! Hey!

Link jumps over to the right side of the room, and goes into a door.  He begins to walk through the hallway when three things pop out of the ground.

**Link:** AHHHH-oh.

They were three baby Dodongos.

**Link: **Awww,they're so cute.****

One of the baby Dodongos came up to Link and bit his nose.

**Link (nasally):**  Ow!  Hey!  Let go of my nose!

Link shook his head and the baby Dodongo went flying into the wall.  It started to flash red then, all of a sudden it blew up.

**Link:** AHHHH!

He went flying into the air and went thud against the ground.

**Link:** Owwwwwww!

The other baby Dodongos came over to Link and jumped on his back, slashing and biting him.

**Link:** Ow!  Will you just stop it!

He got up and threw both them into the wall.  They too, started to flash and blew up.  Suddenly, an odd, repetitive beeping nose came out of nowhere.

**Link:** Hey!  What's that?

**Navi:** Um…that's the weird noise it makes when your health is low.

**Link:** Ack!  Well how do I make it stop!  It's getting annoying!

**Navi:** You have to pick up a heart.

**Link:** Hey! Look, a heart!

Link picked it up and ate it.

**Navi:** Ewwww!

**Link:** Actually, it tasted quite good.

**Navi:** You're sick.

**Link:** No, I feel perfectly healthy now.

**Navi:** Argghhhh.

Link jumped up onto a higher area of the room and saw a locked door, some statues and a switch.

**Link:** Ooooo, look!  A switch!

When Link stepped on the switch, the door ahead opened.  But once he got off to go into the door, it shut tight again.

**Link:** Hey!

He went back and pressed the switch, which opened the door, got off and went to the door, which then closed in his face.

**Link:** What the?!?

He did this for another hour or two.

**Link:** Is it rigged or something?

**Navi:** Yes Einstein!

**Link:** Well…what do I do?

**Navi:** I'd tell you but you don't listen to me.

**Link:** Oh stop it!

**Navi:** Fine.  You have to put something heavy on it.

**Link:** How 'bout you?

**Navi:** WHAT!?!?!?!?!

**Link:** You must be the fattest fairy I know.

**Navi (beside herself with rage):** GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!

**Link (hesitantly):** Oknevermind!  Hey look, statues!

He pushed one of the statues onto the switch and went through the door. (FINALLY!) The room he entered had a large pool of lava all throughout it, with some square pillars scattered here and there.

**Link:** Whoa!  It's hot in here!

Suddenly, two lizard-looking things fell from the ceiling.

**Link:** AHHHHH!  What the?

**Lizalfos #1:** Hai!

**Link:** Don't you mean hi?

**Lizalfos #1:** No, hai!  Like in Uruk-hai!

**Link:** Oh.

**Lizalfos #1:** I'm Bob!

**Lizalfos #2:** And I'm Jim!

**Bob & Jim:** And we're…(They pull out a couple of fake red noses)…The Dancing Lizalfos Brothers!

They bring out a unicycle, a few dishes and a horn.  Bob gets on Jim's shoulders while balancing some plates and Jim rides on the unicycle and honks the horn.  They both start singing real bad circus music.

**Bob & Jim:** Na na ne-ne ne na na, na ,na ,na ne ne ne-ne, na na na na, na na-na na, na…

**Link:** Um…hey guys?

Bob and Jim fall over.  Sounds of breaking dishes.

**Link:** Um, how do I get through there?

He points to a locked door.

**Bob (getting up while brushing off dust and glass):** Oh!  You have to fight us!

**Link:** Oh great.

**Jim:** Yeah, get ready!

They both pull out rubber chickens.

**Link:** Um…ok.

He pulls out his sword.

**Bob:** GOOOOOOOOOO!

Link pokes Bob.

**Bob:** Oh no! I'm dead!

He explodes.

Link then pokes Jim.

**Jim:** Oh no!  I'm dead!

He explodes.

**Link:** Oooookaaaay.

He goes through the next door.  They hear some large bangs coming from the end of the corridor.

**Link:** W-what do you think that is?

As they round the corner they see a few large dragon looking things, all just circling in place.

**Link:** I'm taking it that that is a Dodongo.

**Navi:** Yes.

**Link:** Ok…um, well…

He tries to slowly creep passed them, but is spotted by one and has no choice but to fight.

**Link:** Oh great.

He gets behind the Dodongo, hoping he'll be safer there, and whacks it in the butt.

**Dodongo:** RARRRRRRR!

**Link:** Huh?

It spins around and knocks Link down with his tail.  It begins to inhale.

**Link:** AHHHHH!  What's it doing?

**Navi:** RUN!

**Link:** Oh.

Link gets out of the way just before the Dodongo emits a large flame from his mouth.

**Link:** Hyah!

Link stabs the Dodongo in the back again and it falls to the ground.

**Link:** Ha!  I win!

The Dodongo explodes and Link goes flying into the wall.

**Link:** AHHHHHHHH-OWWW!

He gets up, rubbing his backside.

**Link:** Does EVERYTHING in here have to explode?!

**Strange Announcer Voice Thingy:** Yep!

**Link:** Oh.

Link goes into the next room and finds himself in the first big room.

**Link:** Hey look, a switch!

Link pressed it and a door on the other side of the room opened.

**Link:** Yay!

Eventually, after a long, um, "walk" through the temple they reach another lava filled room.  Then a couple of things fall from the ceiling.

**Bob (with an eye patch and a cast over his arm):** Hai!

**Link:** Oh no.  Not you two again!

**Jim (holding some crutches with his head all bandaged up):** Yep!  But this time we're here to arrest you.

**Link:** What!?

**Bob:** Yeah, we're also the "Dodongo's Explosive Cavern's Group of Lizalfos Who Are Trying to Promote the Welfare of the Dodongos".  And since you violated law #3-

**Link:** What do you mean?

**Jim:** You fed the Dodongos.

**Link:** No I didn't.

**Bob:** But…you were supposed to.

**Link:** Then why am I getting arrested for it?

**Jim:** Because…oh never mind.

**Bob:** Anyway, we have to fight!

**Link:** Um, guys?  Don't you think the odds are against you?

**Jim:** What do you mean?

**Link:** Um…you can't even hold a sword.

**Bob:** Well, we have to fight, it's our duty as the, "Dodongo's Explosive Cavern's Group of Lizalfos Who Are Trying to Promote the Welfare of the Dodongos".

**Jim:** Yep!  So get ready…

**Bob:** GOOOOOO!

**Link:** sigh  (pokes Bob.)

**Bob:** Oh no!  I'm dead!

He explodes.

**Link:** (pokes Jim.)

**Jim:** Oh no! I'm…not dead!  Hahaha!

He hits Link in the feet with his crutches but loses his balance and falls into the lava.

**Jim:** NOOOOOO!

He explodes.

**Link:** Ok, that was strange.

He runs into the next room and eventually reaches a huge chest.

**Link:** Oooooooo!

He opens it up and gets some bombs!  He holds them high in the air.

**Weird music:** Du da da daaaaaaaa!

**Link:** Yay!  Now I can blow stuff up!

**Navi:** Great.

They run into the next room and find that they are on the second floor of the first big room they entered.  They see a sign in front of them and a bridge in the distance.

**Link:** Ok, what does this say?

**Sign (not out loud if anyone hasn't figured that out already):  **"Blow up the giant Dodongo head game!"—Ten rupees for one try!

**Link: **Ok.

He puts some rupees in the slot.

**Sign (do I even have to say it?):** Rules are:  drop bombs into the Dodongo's eyes to get his mouth open.  Proceed to the door inside to claim your prize!  To begin, go to the bridge in front of you.

**Link:** To the bridge!

(Fellowship theme starts to play)

Link got to a gap in the bridge, which was just over the eye.  He dropped a bomb down.  He did the same to the other eye and the mouth opened.

**Link:** Yay!  I win!

He went through the door inside of the Dodongo's mouth and heard a strange deep voice coming from nowhere.

**Strange Deep Voice: **Haha!  Now I have you in my trap!  You shall now witness the terrible wrath of the great FIRE KEESE!

**Link (dully):** Huh?

The "Great Fire Keese" came out of nowhere and hit Link in the back, destroying his wooden shield.

**Link:** Hey!  That wasn't nice!  What did I ever do to you!?

**Great Fire Keese:** You killed my very distant cousin.  He was my 784th cousin, 783 times removed on my father's side and my 6758th cousin, 6757 times removed on my mother's side.

**Link:** You must have a big family.

**Great Fire Keese:** You don't even know the half of it.  My uncle, Blue Keese #354956864565, was in the navy when he met my aunt, Fire Keese #375134813574. (Link pulls out his slingshot)  And when they got married, my dad met-OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

He explodes.

**Link:** Ha!  Sucker!

Link reached a room where there were three graves in a row.  Then, something fell from the ceiling.  (That sure happens a lot!)

**Lizalfos #3:** Hai!  I'm Frank!

**Link:** Are you related to Bob and Jim?

**Frank:** Dunno, might be.

**Link:** Oookaay.

**Frank:** I'm the "Dodongo's Explosive Cavern's Guy Who Buries the People Who Die Here" guy!

**Link:** So is that what those are?

**Frank:** Dunno, might be.

**Link:** Um…ok.

**Frank:** Yeah, I buried them.

**Link:** I bet you killed them just so you could bury them.

**Frank:** …

**Link:** You're sick.

**Frank:** Well, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to do the same to you!

He pulls out a sword.  (Well, what did you expect, a rubber chicken?)

**Link:**  Hey!  Look over there!

**Frank:** Where!?!

Link stabs him in the side.

**Frank:** Oh no!  I'm dead!

He explodes.

**Link:** Too easy.  Way too easy.

He reaches the end of the room where there are about a dozen statue-looking things.

**Link:** Oooo!  Statues!

He went up to one and tried to move it until…

**Statue-looking Thing:** RARRRRR!

**Link:** AHHHH!  IT'S ALIVE!

The Armos statue started to bounce around, waking up the other statues.  Eventually there were twelve bouncing statues.

**Link:** Ahhh!  Go away!

Link accidentally drops a bomb.

**Link:** Uh oh.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The bomb had set off all the Armos statues and all of them had exploded.  As the smoke cleared away, Navi saw Link lying on the floor.

**Navi:** Link, this is no time to sleep!  Bacon!

**Link:** …

**Navi:** Link?  Oh…he's…dead…YAY!  I'm FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then a pink fairy came from Link's pocket and circled around him.

**Navi:** Huh?

**Link:** Bacon! Where!?

**Navi:** Great.  He's alive.

**Link:** Well don't sound so happy.

He hopped up and went into the next room in the middle of which was a switch.  He pressed it and a door ahead opened.  But before he could get through, a Deku scrub stopped him.

**Deku Scrub:** Wait, mister!  You don't want to go in there without a shield!

**Link:** I don't?

**Deku Scrub:** No!  But I'll sell you one.

**Link:** Ok.

**Deku Scrub:** That'll be 50 rupees.

**Link:** WHAT!  That's way too much!

**Deku Scrub:** Ok then, 60 rupees.

**Link:** Hey!  That's even more!

**Deku Scrub:** Ok then, 70 rupees.

**Link:** Ok, fine.  I'll buy it.

He handed the scrub 50 rupees.

**Deku Scrub:** Maybe you herd me wrong, it's 70 rupees.

**Link:** ARGHHHH!

Link handed him the rupees.

**Deku Scrub:** Thank you!

He exploded.

**Link:** That's _really_ getting annoying.

He walked into the next room and saw a hole in the ground.

**Link:** Guess the only way forward is down!

He jumped down the hole and landed on a strange, spongy thing.

**Link:** Wow!  Luckily this was here!

BOOM!

**Link:** What was that?

BOOM!!!

**Link: **Um…it's getting louder.

BOOM!!!!!!!!!

**Navi:** AHHHH!!!!!!!  BEHIND YOU!!!!!!!!!

Link turned around and saw a HUGE Dodongo in front of him.

**Link:** Whoa.

The Dodongo ate Navi.

**Link:** Whoa.

The Dodongo died of food poison.

**Link:** Whoa.

**Navi:** Ack!  It stinks in there!

**Link:** Well!  Guess we beat the boss!

**Navi:** No, I beat the boss!  You just stood there and did nothing!

**Link:** Yeah, whatever.

He went through the portal and came out at the Dodongo's Cavern entrance.  Then, Darunia fell from the sky.

**Link:** Ahhh!  What'd you do that for!?

**Darunia:** Dunno, but it was fun!

**Link:** Ok, whatever.

**Darunia:** Here, take the stone.

**Link:** Ok, thanks.

**Darunia:** Yay!  Now we're brothers!

**Link:** WHAT!?!

**Darunia:** In my land, when you give someone a shiny stone, you become brothers!

**Link:** What if you give it to a girl?

**Darunia:** …Um…well, gottagoseeya!

He explodes.

**Link:** Ok, what a cheesy way to end the chapter.

**END** **OF** **CHAPTER**


	7. Freaky Fairies and Fat Farm Owners

**_Chapter VII:_** **_Freaky Fairies and Fat Farm Owners_**

Link and Navi had just received the spiritual stone of fire, but have absolutely no clue of where to go to next.

**Link:** So, where to next?

**Navi:** I dunno, why don't you ask someone?

**Goron****:** HEY!

**Link:** AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

**Goron****:** Hello.  I'm a Goron.  We eat rocks.

**Link:** Goron…grrrrrrrr!

**Goron****:** Um…have you met the fairy on top of the mountain?

**Link:** What do you think?

**Goron****:** No.

**Link:** Oh.

**Goron****:** Well you should.

**Link:** What if I don't wanna?

**Goron****:** Then I'll hug you.

**Link:** Ahh!!!  Ok!  I'm going!

As Link climbed the mountain, he began to hear loud noises and it also started to get warmer as he ascended.

**Link:** What is that noise anyway?

As he covered an especially large hill, he saw large, flaming rocks falling from the sky, right across the path he was taking.

**Link:** Wait!  No problem!  I think I know a shortcut!

**Navi:** No way I'll ever take another one of your shortcuts!

1 hour and 58 minutes later…

**Navi:** I can't believe I'm taking another one of your shortcuts.

**Link: **Were almost there!

They went around a wall and found themselves at a dead end.

**Link:** Um…we must've taken a wrong turn at that rock…

**Navi:** ARGHHHH!

1 hour and 59 minutes later they were back to where they started.

**Link:** Great.  So now I have to cross that!?!

The mountain emitted an especially large burst of fire and rock.

**Navi:** Didn't you get that really big shield that the guard told you to get?

**Link:** What shield?

**Navi:** The one the guard told you to get!

**Link:** He didn't mention anything about a shield.

Away in Kakariko village…

**Guard (Cucco lover):** Hey Fred, did you tell the kid about the shield thing?

**Guard (Fred):** Woops!

Back at Death Mountain…

**Link:** Great.  Well, here goes nothing!

**Navi:** Don't you mean-

**Link:** -Yeah, everything, whatever.  Just here it goes!

Link ran through the path, dodging falling rocks and fireballs, until he reached a cliff where the rocks couldn't reach him.

**Link:** Ha!  I have succeeded!

A small, egg-sized rock hit him on the head.

**Link:** Ow!  Why does that always happen?

**Navi:** Stop whining and climb this wall!

**Link:** Fine.

He looked up and saw three large, skull-shaped spiders scuttling around in place on the wall.

**Link:** AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!  SPIDER!

**Navi:** Yeah, now you've gotten that taken care of, so just kill them!

**Link:** But I'm not faking this time!  I really am afraid of spiders!

**Navi:** Why's that?

**Link:** Well, mostly because the author is, but also because…well look at them!  They're creepy!

**Navi:** Oh stop it.  I bet they're perfectly harmless.

**Link:** All right.

He starts climbing the wall when one of the spiders turns purple and charges at him.

**Link:** AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!  ATTACK OF THE KILLER SPIDER!!!!!!!!!  RUN! RUN!!!!!!!

The spider knocked Link off the wall.

**Link:** Ahh!  Blech!  Now I have spider cooties!  Get 'em off!

He starts to rub his hands on Navi.

**Navi:** Hey!  Stop it!

**Link:** I am NOT climbing that wall again!

**Navi:** Oh yes you are!

**Link:** Yeah right.  And how're you gonna make me?!

**Navi (sweetly):** Does little Linky want a hug?

**Link:** AHHHHHH!!!!!

He zooms up the wall, somehow avoiding the Skulltulas.  He runs into a cave and finds himself in a dimly lit room.

**Link:** Whew!  That was close!  Hey, pretty triangle thingy!  I'm gonna play a song for it!

He played Zelda's Lullaby.

**Link:** Ok, bye!

**Strange, High-pitched Voice:** Ahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  EVIL WITCH THING!!!  RUN!!!!!!!!!

Then a big black blob (censored for Link & viewers) appeared out of a pond in the back of the room.

**Great Fairy:** Hello.  I'm insane!  So I'm gonna give you a really cool looking magical spinny thing!

Bunches of magic colors surround Link.

**Music:** Du du du duuuuuuuuuu!

**Link:** Yay!  Now I'm cool!

**Great Fairy:** Ahahahahahhahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She explo-no wait, that was last chapter!  Ok then, she disappears.

**Link:** Ok, that was really freaky.

He walks out of the cave.

**Kaepora Gaebora:** HEY!

**Link:** Ahh!  Why is everyone doing that!?

**Kaepora Gaebora:** Because it's fun!

**Link:** Oh.

**Kaepora Gaebora:** Hey, do you know where the next stone is?

**Link:** No.

**Kaepora Gaebora:** Well I do!

**Link:** Are you gonna tell me?

**Kaepora Gaebora:** No, but we can play charades!

**Link:** Ok!

Kaepora Gaebora holds up two finger-shaped feathers.

**Link:** Two words!

Kaepora Gaebora put up one feather.

**Link:** First word!

Kaepora Gaebora put his wing to his ear.

**Link:** Sounds like!

Kaepora Gaebora pointed to the ground.

**Link:** Ground!

Kaepora Gaebora shook his head.

**Link:** Mountain!

Kaepora Gaebora shook his head again.

**Link:** Floor!

Kaepora Gaebora nodded vigorously.  Then he made a plus sign with his feathers.

**Link:** Plus!

Kaepora Gaebora put his wing to his chest and started to move his mouth.

**Link:** Talking!

Kaepora Gaebora shook his head.

**Link:** Opera!

Kaepora Gaebora shook his head again.

**Link:** A big fat guy!

Kaepora Gaebora looked angry.

**Link:** No wait, singing!

Kaepora Gaebora made circular motions with his wings.

**Link:** A special type of singing!

Kaepora Gaebora nodded.

**Link:** Rock!

Kaepora Gaebora glared at Link.

**Link:** Um…are you practicing?

Kaepora Gaebora made circular movements again.

**Link:** Oh!  I know!  La!

Kaepora Gaebora nodded vigorously.

**Link:** So, sounds like floorla

Kaepora Gaebora made a cutting motion across his neck.

**Link:** Oh, without the…

Kaepora Gaebora pointed to Link.

**Link:** Without the me?

Kaepora Gaebora glared again.

**Link:** Oh!  Without the "l"

Kaepora Gaebora nodded again.

**Link:** Ok, so sounds like floora.

Kaepora Gaebora nodded.

**Link:** Ok, is it…um, nora?

Kaepora Gaebora looked agitated and took out Zelda's letter from Link's pocket.  He pointed to the "Z"

**Link:** Oh!  Zora!

Kaepora Gaebora nodded, then put up two feathers.

**Link:** Second word!

Kaepora Gaebora put his wing to his ear again.

**Link:** Sounds like!

Kaepora Gaebora started shaking like mad.

**Link:** Shaking!

Kaepora Gaebora shook his head.

**Link:** Um…Earthquake!

Kaepora Gaebora shook his head again.

**Link:** Well…um…shiver?

Kaepora Gaebora nodded vigorously again.

**Link:** So, Zora shiver?

Kaepora Gaebora shook his head.

**Link:** Um…Zora liver?

Kaepora Gaebora looked agitated.

**Link:** Maybe it's Zora's River?

**Kaepora Gaebora:** YES!!!!!!  You got it!

**Link:** Yay!  I win!  What's my prize?

**Kaepora Gaebora:** A free ride there!

**Link:** Um…I'd rather have a million rupees or something.

**Kaepora Gaebora:** Well too bad.  Here we go!

He grabbed Link and they went into the air.  But as they were flying over Kakariko Village, Kaepora Gaebora accidentally let go. (Or maybe on purpose…)

**Kaepora Gaebora:** Woops!

**Link:** AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He landed with a thud on someone's roof.

**Link:** Ow!  Some guardian angel!

He looked down and saw a bunch of Cuccos looking up at him.

**Cucco:** Buwwarrkkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  NOT THE KILLER CHICKENS OF DOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Guard:** Cuccos!

**Link:** Oh shut up.

He runs away, screaming his head off.  He leaves the village, and keeps on running, not even realizing where he's going.  Eventually, he stops and looks around.

**Link:** Hey, where am I?  It smells awful here!

**Navi:** We're at Lon Lon Ranch.

**Link:** Oh.

He goes in a random door, without even knocking.  The room is full of chick-I mean Cuccos.

**Link:** AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!  THE KILLER CHICKENS OF DOOM RETURN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Cucco: **Buwark.****

Link backs away slowly and trips over someone on the floor.

**Fat Guy on the Floor: **Huh, what's happening?  Oh no! The sky is falling!

**Link:** No, I just tripped.

**Fat Guy:** Oh.

**Link:** Do I know you?

**Fat Guy:** Yeah.

**Link:** Um…do you know me?

**Fat Guy:** No.

**Link:** …

**Navi:** Argggghh!  He's Talon.

**Link:** Who?

**Navi (looking annoyed): **The Fat Guy you met at the castle!

**Link:** Oh yeah!  Now I remember!

**Talon:** Hey!  You wanna play a little game?

**Link:** Sure!

**Talon:** Ok.  All you have to do is pick out three special, super-cuccos that look exactly identical to the other 37 and bring them to me in less than 30 seconds.

**Link:** NO WAY!!!  I'm not touching those demons!

**Talon:** Oh yeah, and you need to give me ten rupees.

**Link:** WHAT!?!?!  You gotta be kidding!!!!!!!  Hey!  What are you doing with my wallet!?!

**Talon:** All right, thank you!  Now…GO!!!!!

**Link:** Navi!  Stop pushing me!  ARGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

Link spends the next 20 seconds, scavenging through the cuccos and miraculously finds the three just before the time is out.

**Talon:** Yay!  You win!

**Link:** Great!  What's my prize?

**Talon:** You get to marry my daughter!

**Link:** …

**Talon:** What?

**Link:** Are you drunk or something?

**Talon:** Dunno, might be!

**Link:** What is this???  Cruddy prize day!?!

**Talon:** Dunno, might be!

**Link:** Stop saying that and give me something good!

**Talon:** Fine.

He thrusts a bottle into his hands.  It's full of…

**Link:** Oh!!!  Joy!!!!!  MILK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Music:** Du du duu duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** I'll keep this close to my heart!

He puts it in his chest pocket. (Which is inside his tunic, not outside.)

**Link:** Thank you sir!

**Talon:** Yeah, yeah.  Just get outta here.

Link marches out, admiring his new prize when he spots a familiar white animal on the ground.

**Link:** No.  Not you!

**Cucco:** Buwarrk.

**Link:** AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He runs through a gate and bumps into a little girl.

**Link:** OW!  Watch where you're going!

**Little Girl:** Oh!  It's the little cute fairy boy!

**Link:** Huh?  Do I know you?  And did you just call me cute!?!  Blecchhh!

**Little Girl:** Don't you remember me?  I'm Malon!

**Link:** Oh, yeah.  That kid from the castle.

**Malon:** Do you want to learn a pretty song?

**Link:** No.

**Malon:** Ok!  It goes like this.

She sings a tune that sounds like ranch music.  Link repeats it perfectly on his ocarina.

**Malon:** Yay!  That's my mother's song.  It's called Epona's song after my horse.

**Link:** What horse?  AHHHHHH!!!!!!

Epona came up behind Link and shoved him onto her back.  She went around like a wild thing, tossing her head and neighing loudly.  Link was tossed off and ran out of there as quick as he could.

**Link (Trying to catch his breath):** I'll…NEVER…go back…there.  Except for milk!

**Navi:** Whatever.  Let's just go to the river!

**Link:** Alright.  Where is it?

**Navi:** Right there.

A big winding river was just a little ways ahead of them.

**Link:** Oh!

**Navi:** Come on then!

**Link (energetically):** Ok!

**END** **OF** **CHAPTER**


	8. Zora's Many Bodies of Water

**_Chapter VIII: Zora's Many Bodies of Water_**

Link and Navi are still following the river, which will lead them to Zora's Domain.

**Link:** Follow the H2O road!  Follow the H2O road!  Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the H2O road!!!

**Navi:** Stop singing that annoying song!

**Link (energetically):** No!

He grabs her wing and starts swinging her around as he skips alongside the river

**Link:** Follow the H2O road!  Follow the H2O road!

**Navi:** Le-et go-o-o-of-f m-e-e-e!

They go on like this for another hour or so till they reach an archway blocked by a few large boulders.

**Link:** Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the H2…oh.  Roadblock.

**Navi (shakily):** I…feel……sick……

**Link:** Well…how do we get past those?

**Kaepora Gaebora:** You're always pretty clueless, aren't you?

**Link:** Huh?  Oh, hi angel!

**Kaepora Gaebora:** Hello.

**Link:** So, uh, do you know how to get through these?

**Kaepora Gaebora:** Nope.

**Link:** Great.  NOW who's clueless?  You're not too useful yourself!

**Kaepora Gaebora:** Yeah, but…I can do this!

He turns his head 180 degrees.

**Link:** Oookkayy.

**Navi:** Just blow the things up!

**Link (energetically):** Ok!

He pulls out a bomb and tosses it towards the rocks.  They burst into a thousand pieces, also sending the "angel" flying.

**Kaepora Gaebora:** NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** Yay!  Fireworks!

**Navi:** Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's go already!

**Link:** Fine!

They walk a little ways when all of a sudden a rock coming from Link's right flies into his side.

**Link:** OW!  Not Deku Scrubs!

**Navi:** No, that's an Octorok.

The Octorok was sitting in the water, looking strait at Link, without blinking.

**Link:** Well, whatever he is, he's creepy!

It shot a rock at Link again.

**Link:** AHHHH!

He held his shield in front of him, and it deflected the rock back at the Octorok.

**Octorok:** BLLLLEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!……… pop!

**Link:** Well, that takes care of that!

Another rock hits Link.

**Link:** OWWWW!  Hey!  How many of these things are there?!?

He runs up the river, dogging rocks and jumping gaps.  Eventually he reaches a waterfall.

**Link:** Here goes…(looks at Navi)…stuff.

He attempts to jump through the waterfall, but the current is too strong and it pushes him away.

**Link:** AHHHH!  Well!  Let's try something-

**Navi:** HEY!

**Link:** AHH!

**Navi:** LISTEN!

**Link:** Stop that!

**Navi:** LOOK!

**Link:** You're annoying.

**Navi:** There's something written on the floor here.

**Link:** Hmmm…

**Floor (everyone knows it's not out loud):** Hey dude!  You ain't comin' through here till you play a cool song!

**Link:** Um…OK!

He plays a cool song.

**Music:** Da da du du da du daaaa!

**Link:** Yay!

He jumps through and finds himself in a large, humid cave, with a large waterfall on the tall wall to his left.

**Link:** Well, where to?

**Navi:** Try the sign.

**Sign (like every other written thing, it's not out loud):** This way to King Zora's throne.

**Link:** All right then!  To the throne!

(Fellowship theme)

Link is now at the foot of King Zora's "Throne" which is really just a stone wall with a mild waterfall going down it.

**Link (using his formal voice):** Oh great, powerful, handsome (in an under tone) not really, (now loud) wise King Zora!  I have need of your charity.  I am on an errand for the Princess Zelda who begs of me to gain the three Spiritual Stones.  The final one that I must attain is within your possession.  Will your lordship please allow this humble, sweet, poor, helpless, heroic, (Navi hits him in the side), young boy, to gain this small thing from yourself so that the entire world will acknowledge your great kindness and forever praise your kingliness?

**King Zora:** No.

**Link:** WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!  I spent three hours working on that speech!  Give me the stone, NOW!

**King Zora:** Guards!

**Link:** What!?!  No!  I-I didn't mean it!  Please!  AHHH!!!  Let go of me!!!!!!!!!!

**Guard #1:** Hey!  Wanna play a game?

**Link:** …You're really weird.

**Guard #1:** All right!  Just give me twenty rupees and then catch the ones I throw into the water.  Get all five in under one minute and you win!

**Link:** No thank you!  I'll just-HEY!  What are you doing with my wallet?!?  No!  Not again!

**Guard #1:** All right!  And…GO!

They throw Link off the top of the waterfall.

**Link:** AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SPPPLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Link grabs all five, hoping for some milk, and returns to the waterfall for his prize.

**Guard #1:** Great job! Here you go kid!

He gives Link a Sliver Scale.

**Link:** Fish skin!?!?!?

**Guard #1:** No ZORA skin!

**Link:** Where have I heard that before?

**Guard #1:** It'll let you dive really deep!

**Link:** Great.

**Guard #1:** Like through the warp at the bottom of the pond.

**Link:** Oooooooo!

**Link:** Bhhhhaaaaahhhhh!!!  Air!  I wish he would have told me how long the warp was!!!  Where are we anyway?

**Navi:** Sigh You never have any clue about anything, do you?

**Link:** Nah, don't think so.

**Navi (quickly and angrily):** Argghh.  We're at Lake Hylia.

**Link:** Oooohhhhhh!!!!

He swims around a little and eventually spots something shiny at the bottom of the lake.

**Link:** Oooo!

He dives for it and comes out holding it high above his head.

**Music:** Du du du duuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** Yay!  A bottle…with a note in it?

He opens it up and the note slides out.  It's written in a swift-looking cursive.

**Note (please don't make me say it): **Hey reader!  You have to come and save me…**NOW!!!**  I'm in Jabu-Jabu's belly.  Get over here quick, **OR ELSE!!!**  Bye!  Princess Ruto.

**Link:** Um…she sounds scary!

**Navi:** Come on!

**Link:** AHHHH!!!!!  IT'S HER!!!!

**Navi:** Oh stop it.

So Link goes back through the warp and arrives at King Zora's throne again.

**Link:** All right kingie, listen up!  This is how it's gonna be.  You're gonna lead me to the Jabu-Jabu's belly to save you're daughter, and when I bring her back you're gonna give me the Spiritual Stone.  OK!

**King Zora:** …My…sweet…Princess Ruto…in Lord Jabu-Jabu's belly?

**Link:** Yeah, no time for talk, just show me the way there!

**King Zora:** Oh!  My dear Princess Ruto, this boy will come save you!  Go through the cave behind me!

He starts to scoot his fat butt across the wall.  After a few hours he finally stops.

**King Zora:** There you are young lad, now go to my daughter's rescue!

**Link:** Snore

**King Zora:** I command you to awaken this instant!

**Link:** Snore

**Navi:** I'll help you king.  Hey, Link!  Bacon!

**Link:** Bacon!  Where!?!

**Navi:** Come on!  The way is open now!

**Link:** Ok, see ya, kingie!

He ran up the path till he reached a large altar with a fish the size of a submarine floating in the water behind it.

**Link:** Wow!  That'd make one big tuna sandwich!

**Navi:** Stop it!  You're making the author hungry!

**Link:** Well.  How do we get in there?

**Navi:** Can't you figure something out for yourself for once!?!

**Link:** Of course not!  That's what you're here for!

**Navi:** ARGHHH!  Well, how do you think the Princess got in?

**Link:** The fat thing ate her.

**Navi:** Well?

(Pause)

**Link:** NO WAY!  I'm NOT going in there!

**Navi:** Well what were you gonna do, ask it to spit her out?!?

**Link:** No!  Of course not!  I'm not gonna ASK it, I'm gonna MAKE it!

**Navi:** ARGHH!

**Link:** Hey!  Tuna brains!  Look here!

He takes off his boot and holds it in front of Jabu-Jabu.  It starts to whine and belches up a few fish bones.

**Link:** Eww.  That didn't work too well.  Maybe one of these are her?

**Navi:** Well keep it up and one of them WILL be her!

**Link:** Well, my mind's shot!  I can't think of anything!

**Navi:** You never can.

**Link (glaring at Navi): **I hate you.****

**Navi:** Now get him to open his mouth!

(Pause)

**Link:** Why?

**Navi:** So yo-hey, wait a second!  I thought you stopped doing that!

**Link:** Well I thought I could catch you off guard!

**Navi:** Well you're wrong.  Now OPEN HIS MOUTH!!!!!

**Link:** All right!  All right!  Heyyyyyyyy fishy, fishy, fishy, fishy, fishy!  Come on!  Don't I look tasty!  Eat me!

Link starts doing a weird little dance.

**Link:** Come on!  Just eat me already!

**Jabu-Jabu:** SNNNOOORRRE

**Link:** Bacon!

Jabu-Jabu opens his mouth and Link is inhales by him.

**Link:** AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Navi flies in Just before Jabu-Jabu closes his mouth.

**Link:** I HATE Zoras.  Never mention the word Zora ever again.  Especially fat ones who like to make little boys go inside evil fish mouths!

**Navi:** Why do you say that every time this happens?

**Link:** Because it's in my contract.  Rule #1: hate everyone who sends you into a dungeon.

**Navi:** Well I hate the contract!

**Link:** Oh don't worry; my contract expires after Chapter 10.

**Navi:** Oh.

**Link:** All right!  On with the dungeon!

(Fellowship theme)

**END** **OF** **CHAPTER**


	9. Into ANOTHER Digestive System

**_Chapter IX:_** **_Into ANOTHER Digestive System_**

**Link:** Well, what do I d-

**Navi:** Oh, figure it out for yourself this time!

**Link:** Fine.

He looks around the fish's mouth and sees a boulder, a few crates and…

**Link:** A COW?!?!?!?????????

**Cow: **Moooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Navi:** Well, a fish's got to eat!

**Link:** But it's stuck in the wall!

**Navi:** Well, um, yeah, that is weird.

**Cow:** Moooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** Oh shut up.

He goes a little ways forwards when suddenly; two Octoroks pop up out of the water…or saliva, and shoot rocks at him.

**Link:**  AHHHHH!

He holds his shield up in front of him and the rocks go bouncing back at the Octoroks.

**Octoroks #'s1 & 2:** BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!…pop

**Music:** Da da du du da du daaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!

A chest falls from the ceiling.

**Link:** Ooooo!

He opens it and gets…

**Link:** 5 rupees!?!  WHAT?!?!  This is a rip off!  I get more money than this by just cutting my lawn!

**Navi:** Stop whining!

**Link:** Fine.

He tosses a bomb at the boulder and a chest is now in its place.

**Link:** Oh!  Cool!

He opens it up and gets…

**Link:** A map!?!  Of a fish's insides!?!

**Navi:** Some biologist probably drew it.

**Link:** And put in a chest?!?  Inside of the fish!?!?!  ARGGHHH!!!!  I'll _NEVER_ get through here!

**Cow:** Moooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** Oh SHUT UP!!!!!

He shoots the cow with his slingshot and the door ahead opens.

**Link:** Oh…That's weird.

He runs through it and into a room full of weird, electrified, flying jellyfish

**Link:** AHH!!!  What are those things!?!

**Navi:** They're Bari.

**Link:** Oh.  DIE BARI!!!!

He swipes at the Bari with his sword, but the Bari electrocutes him back.

**Link (being fried):** **AhHhhHHHhhHhHhhHHhHhHHHhhHhH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**Navi (wearing an evil grin):** I guess I should've told you not to attack it.

**Link (still sizzling, and sarcastically):** Yeah…that would've helped a little.

They dash into the next room and see a weird-looking fish person standing near one of the strange hole things all over the fish's skin.

**Link:** Hey, fish lady!  Are you the Princess?

She slaps him hard on the cheek.

**Princess Ruto:** How DARE you speak to me like that!!!  I've NEVER been so insulted in all my life!!!  Get on your knees when speaking to the princess!!!

**Link:** No way!  I don't need to show you any respect lady!  You're coming with me to get outta here!

**Ruto:** No!  I will **NOT!**  I need to get my…well, that's none of YOUR business, so **SCRAM!**

**Link:** I don't think so, fish girl!  I gotta get this stone for the REAL princess, so I can be the Hero of Time!

**Ruto:** No, **_I _**have to get the stone because it's **MINE!  **And I don't need YOUR help!

She turns and starts to walk away, but falls into one of the weird holes.

**Ruto:** AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** Great.

He falls in after her.

**Ruto:** What are you DOING!!??!!  I thought I told you to go away!?!

**Link:** Yeah, but you don't understand that I NEED that stone!

**Ruto:** Well, I'm NOT giving it to YOU!  But you can carry me if you want to help find it.

**Link:** WHAT!!??!!??!!??!!??  NO WAY! (Navi hits him in the side) No Navi!  I'm not carrying her the whole way through here!  ARGHHHHH!!!!!!  Fine.

**Ruto:** All right, now be gentle.

**Link (in an undertone):** I swear I'll throw her off a cliff!

**Ruto:** Did you say something!?!

**Link:** No.

**Ruto:** Fine then.  Let's GO!

Link picks her up and walks out through the door to his right.  They're now in a curved corridor with nothing in it.

**Link:** Weird.  I expected something to be in here!

Then, two things fall from the ceiling.

**Link:** OH NO!  NOT YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!

**Bob:** Hai!

**Jim:** Hai!

**Link:** I thought you guys were the "Dodongo's Explosive Cavern's Group of Lizalfos Who Are Trying to Promote the Welfare of the Dodongos"!?!

**Jim:** Yeah, well, we got fired.

**Link:** How?

**Bob:** Well, it's a long and complicated story but it all comes down to, Jim fed the Dodongos.

**Jim:** Well they were starving the poor things!  I had to feed 'em!

**Link:** Well what are you doing here then?

**Bob:** Well, we thought about being the, "King Zora's Group of Lizalfos Who Help Feed Really Fat Fishes", but instead of eating the food we gave him, he ate us.

**Jim:** Yeah, so now we're the, "Really Fat Fish's Group of Lizalfos Who Keep His Internal Organs Protected".

**Bob:** So since you're harming his internal organs with your smell, we'll have to get rid of you!

They pull out their rubber chickens.

**Link:** Guys, every time this happens, I win.  So save yourselves some pain and just let me go.

**Bob:** Sorry, It's our duty as-

**Link:** Don't say it.

**Jim:** GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** (Pokes Bob)

**Bob:** Oh no!  I'm dead!

He explodes.

**Link:** (Pokes Jim)

**Jim:** Oh no!  I'm dead!

He explodes.

**Link:** They'll never learn.

So after much switch-pressing, water-raising, and elevator-riding (don't ask), they finally reach the room where they fell from.  Link for once finds the door by himself and they go on through.

**Link:** Eww!  It smells even worse back here!

**Navi:** Well, we are going further back through his insides.

**Link:** Gross!  Intestines!

Then a couple of weird, electrified, flying worm things pop out of the fish's skin.

**Link:** Ok, I'm not gonna attack it.

Then they charge at Link with their weird drill things on their faces.

**Link:** AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  Run for it!!!!!!!!!

He runs through a random door and finds himself in a room full of…bubbles.

**Link:** Bubbles?  What's so dangerous about bubbles?

**Navi:** Well, you only have a minute to kill all of them.

**Link:** Uh oh!

He starts running around, slashing the bubbles like mad.  But each time one pops, it some how scrapes Link.

**Link:** OW!  How come bubbles hurt!?!

**Navi:** Like I know!  Why don't you ask them, huh?

**Link (energetically):** Ok!  Hey, bubble!  Why do you hurt?

**Bubble:** Like I know!  Why don't you ask your all-knowing fairy, huh?

**Link (energetically):** Ok!  Hey, all-knowing fairy!  Why do bubbles hurt?

**Navi:** ARGGHHH!!!!!

So after killing about twenty bubbles and getting hurt by all of them, a chest appears in the middle of the room.  Link opens it and gets…

**Music:** Du du du duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** Yay!  A boomerang! 

After receiving the weapon, he goes around for a while until he sees a strange bump in the floor.

**Link:** Huh?  What's that?

**Navi:** It's a switch!  But this one you have to put something heavy on it to go through, and I don't mean me.

**Link (thinking in his head):** All right…something heavy…darn it!  This girl is giving me a nasty bruise on my shoulder…WAIT!  This girl!

He puts Ruto down on the switch and the door opens instantly.  He dashes through as quickly as possible.

**Ruto (yelling at Link):** **HEY!**  **WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING!?!?!!!!**

**Link (on the other side of the door):** Whew!  That was close!

**Navi:** Don't think it's over yet!  You still have to go back that way.

**Link:** Great.

Link looks up and sees a gigantic string-like organism hanging from the ceiling.

**Link:** Whoa!  What's that thing?

**Navi:** Um…I don't know.

**Link:** Well…I'll ask it then!

**Navi:** Oh great.

**Link:** Hey!  Weird stringy thing!  What's your name?

It swings itself into Link and he goes flying back across the room.

**Link:** AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

(Thud)

**Link:** Well that didn't go too well.  Fine then!  If he wants a fight, I'll give him a fight!

He tosses his new boomerang randomly and it hits a weak spot in the weird stringy thing.  It falls to the ground in pieces.

**Link:** Cool.

(Complete silence)

**Link:** Um…music dude, where's the, um, you know, du du du duuuuuuuuu, or du du da da du da daaaaaaaaaaaaa, or something?

**Navi:** Well, that must mean that you did that for nothing.

**Link:** This guy's stomach is cheep.

He walks out the door.

**Ruto:**  THERE YOU ARE!!!  WHAT WERE YOU **THINKING!!!!!**  YOU CALL YOURSELF A MAN?!?!???  WELL **ACT LIKE IT!!!!**  YOU DON'T JUST LEAVE A LADY STANDING THERE LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!  YOU'RE SO **INCONCIDERATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

(Complete silence)

**Link (trying to recuperate):** U-um…o-o-ok.

He picks her up slowly and runs through a few more doors, killing off a few more stringy things and receiving nothing.  Eventually, he ends up back in the room where he first met Ruto.

**Link:** Hmm…great.  Now I'm REALLY never gonna get outta here!

**Cow:** MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Ruto:** AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He falls down a hole in his surprise and is now on a platform with a door nearby.

**Link:** That was convenient!

He runs through the door and is now in a room with a large, round platform in the center of the room.  Spikes surround the platform and the Spiritual Stone is on top of it.

**Ruto:** That's my stone!  THROW ME UP THERE **RIGHT NOW**!!!!!!!!!!

**Link (wearing an evil grin):** Ok.

He throws her at the wall.

**Ruto:** OWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Link uses his boomerang to grab the stone.

**Link:** Haha!  Sucker!

He turns to go out the door but it's shut tight.

**Link:** Uh oh!

He turns around and sees Ruto glaring at him.

**Link (trying to sound innocent):** He he.  Hi.

**Ruto:** **RARRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**Link:** AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They run around the room, Ruto after Link, for quite awhile, until Ruto and Link end up on the platform.  She eventually catches up to Link and pins him to the ground, tearing the Stone from Link' grip.  Then after kicking Link off the platform she does a very strange victory dance…

**Ruto:** I got the Stone!  Oh yeah!  And Link's a looser!  Oh yeah!  WOHOO!

The platform rises into a hole in the ceiling.

**Ruto:** AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** Yay!  She's gone!

The platform starts to lower again.

**Link:** Oh no.  Spoke too soon.

But Ruto isn't on it this time.

**Link:** AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Ruto got fat!!…I mean fatter than she was.

The "Fat Ruto" begins to charge towards Link.

**Link:** AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They run around the room in circles for a while until the "Ruto" hits Link in the back.

**Link:** OW!

**"Fat Ruto":** Ha!  You're it!

**Link:** Huh?

"Ruto" starts to run away from Link, and he sees that "Ruto" has a strange colored spot on her back.

**Link:** Hey, why's her butt blue?

**Navi:** Try hitting it.

Link threw his boomerang at "Ruto" and she froze in place.  He went up to her and slashed at her butt.

**"Fat Ruto":** BLEEEEEEEE………pop

**Link:** YYYAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I KILLED RUTO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Navi:** No, that was just a big Octorok.

(Pause)

**Link:** You spoil everything.

He rides up the platform and goes through a door ahead of him.  The room has two wiggling tongues in the center of it, and a door with no way to it but from crossing the vicious tongues.

**Link:** Well…guess I'm stuck!  Better just go back-

**Navi:** NO!  You're going across!

**Link:** Great.  I always have to do these things.  Why can't they just get Mario to do this?  I'm sure he'd be able to jump across!

**Navi:** Don't be a baby!  Now GO!

Link jumped on to one of the tongues and was tossed violently across the room.

**Link:** AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  OW!

**Cow (who's right next to Link's landing spot):** MMMOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

**Link:** Oh SHUT UP YOU!!!!!

He hits the cow with a seed from his slingshot and then…

**Music:** Du du da da du du duuuuuuuu!!!!!!

**Link:** Huh?

The tongues stopped moving.

**Link:** This place is weird.  Hit a cow, then doors open and things stop moving.

Eventually, Link got to a dark room full of…dark stuff.

**Link (energetically):** Hey, it's dark!

**Strange Dark Voice:** Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, Kokiri and fairies, to the third annual Jabu-Jabu's WRESTLING MAAAAAAAAAAAATCH!!

**Link:** Wha?

**Dark Crowd:** YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Strange Dark Voice:** Will the contestants please assume their positions.

**Link:** Huh?

**Strange Dark Voice:** In this corner, is the almighty, undefeated champion, Lord Jabu-Jabu's weird looking organ thingy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lights come on and are centered on the weird looking organ thingy.

**Dark Crowd:** YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** I think he looks like a heart.

**Strange Dark Voice (as an afterthought): **Oh yes, and in this corner is some kid called Luke.

**Link:** HEY!  I'm Link!

**Strange Dark Voice:** Yeah, whatever Lucas, OK let the fight begin!

**Bell****:** DING!!!

Link starts to walk around the "ring" while the weird looking organ thingy (let's just call him Bob) spins around the place like mad.

**Strange Dark Voice:** And Bob's doing his thing while the little Mucus runs around like a wimp.

**Link:** OK, THAT'S IT!!!!!!!!!!

Link tosses his boomerang towards the strange dark voice, but misses and the boomerang comes back and hits Bob.  He freezes for a moment.

**Link:** Hey!   He stopped!

**Navi:** Yeah, yeah, stop blabbering and hit him!

Link takes a few swipes at him and eventually, Bob starts firing electrical lasers at Link.

**Link:** Oh no.

They sorta dance around for a while till the whole process repeats.  At last, Link delivers the final blow and Bob bursts into pieces all over Link.

**Link:** GROSS!!!!!!!  BOB GUTS!!!!!!!

**Strange Dark Voice:** Congratulations, Lard!!  You are the new Jabu-Jabu's Belly Champion!  Your prize is the lovely, Princess Ruto!!!!!!

**Link:** The wh-AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Ruto:** YOU'RE **LATE**!!!!!!!!!!!  I CANT **BELIEVE** YOU LET ME SIT HERE **THIS LONG**!!!!!!  I WAS ONLY A LITTLE LONELY, **ONLY A LITTLE**!!!!!

They take one of the portal thingies back up to the outside world.  As they land, Ruto is deathly close to Link and is staring at him very strangely.

**Link:** WAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He trips into the lake…or water…whatever.

**Ruto (now in the water too):** You look so cool in the light…and you saved my life too…we should go out some time.

**Link:** …

**Ruto:** You know, a date?

(Pause)

**Link:** …What's a date?

**Ruto:** You don't know?!!?  You're really stupid, you know.  You're lucky you're so cute.

**Link:** I'd rather just be stupid.

**Ruto (trying to look pretty, which is impossible for her):** Well, is there anything you want to tell me?

**Link (thinking hard):** Um…yeah…can I have the stone now?

**Ruto:** WHAT?!?

**Link:** You know, the Spiritual Stone?

**Ruto:** But, but…(now grinning evilly, but Link doesn't notice it cause she always looks evil)…my mother said to give the stone only to the man who would be my husband.

**Link:** Okthennevermind!!!!!!

**Ruto:** OK!  Here you are!

She thrust the stone into Link's hands.

**Link:** NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ruto disappeared.

**Navi (giggling):** Hehe!  Now isn't that cute!

**Link:** Shut up, Navi.

**Navi:** Link and Ruto, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-

**Link:** Oh SHUT UP ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I HATE ZORAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**END** **OF** **CHAPTER**


	10. To the Temple!

**_Chapter X:_** **_To the _****_Temple_****_! (Fellowship Theme)_**

Our heroes-

**Link:** Ahem!

Oh fine, our HERO and his faithful fairy-

**Link:** AHEM!

All right.  Our hero and some other thing that's following him are walking next to the river towards the castle, and for once, they're creepily silent.

**Link:** Hey Navi.

**Navi:** What.

(Pause)

**Link:** What's a date?

(Long pause)

**Navi:** You're too young to know.

**Link (Energetically):** Ok!

After some walking they reach the castle gates.  Link is about to walk in until he remembers something.

**Link:** AHH!!!!!!!!!!!!  That's the land of the rappers!!!

**Navi:** You're not still afraid of them, are you?

**Link:** Of course!  I mean, they're scary!

**Navi:** Come on, you've been through the stomach of a huge tree, the cavern of doom, and the belly of a gigantic fish and you still are afraid to go through a stupid little town!?!

**Link:** Yep!

**Navi:** ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So they stand there for a really long time until suddenly, a horse comes galloping across the bridge, strait towards Link.

**Link:** AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!  RUN AWAY!!!!!!!!!

He runs over to the side and catches a glimpse of Zelda and Impa riding the horse.  Zelda's playing her GBA and Impa seems to be trying to talk to her.

**Impa:** Zelda, don't you have something to do?

**Zelda (monotonously):** Uh huh.

**Impa:** Something IMPORTANT?!?

**Zelda (monotonously):** Uh huh.

Impa grabs the GBA and throws it into the moat.

**Zelda:** HEY!!!!  STOP DOING THAT!!!!!!!

She grabs an Ocarina from Impa and throws it into the most.

**Zelda:** HA!!!!

**Impa:** That's what I wanted you to do!

**Zelda:** ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!  You never let me get back on you.  Why couldn't you do it anyway?

**Impa:** Game programming.

**Zelda (giving Impa an evil look):** I hate you.

**Link:** Hey!  Cool GBA!

**Navi:** You're not going to get the GBA, you have to get the Ocarina.

**Link:** Darn it, you spoil everything!

Then all of a sudden, someone riding on a horse appears right in front of Link.

**Link:** AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  IT'S THE MAN WITH THE BIG NOSE FROM MY DREAMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Man With the Big Nose:** AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  IT'S THE BOY WTH NO PANTS FROM MY DREAMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** Hey!  It's not my fault Kokiri don't wear pants.

**Man With the Big Nose:** Well it's not my fault I have a big nose!

(Silence)

**Link:** Hi.

**Ganondorf:** Hai.

(Silence)

**Link:** So…whatcha doin?

**Man With the Big Nose:** Nothing.  Just chasing some girl so I can get some Ocarina and claim the Triforce so I can rule the world.

**Link:** Oh…sounds fun.

**Man With the Big Nose:** Actually, it's quite tiring.

**Link:** Oh.

(Silence)

**Link:** My name's Link.

**Man With the Big Nose:** I'm Ganondorf.

**Link:** Nice name.

**Ganondorf:** You too.

(Some more silence)

**Ganondorf:** Well, I'd better get going.

**Link:** Nice to meet you, Ganondorf.

**Ganondorf:** You too.

**Link:** Bye.

**Ganondorf:** Tootles.

And he rode off.

**Link:** He seemed like a nice person.

**Navi:** You idiot!!!  That was Ganondorf!

**Link:** I know.

**Navi:** No!  I mean, he's the man you're trying to stop!

**Link:** Oh.  Whatever!

**Navi:** ARGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Just get the Ocarina!

**Link (energetically):** Ok!

He swam down and picked up the Ocarina.  Suddenly, he was transported into a dream-like Temple, with Zelda standing next to him.

**Zelda:** Hey Link.

**Link:** Hi Zelda.

**Zelda:** Here's a song that you'll need to learn perfectly like you somehow always do.

**Link:** Ok!

Zelda played some notes and Link followed perfectly like he somehow always does.

**Zelda:** That song's called something like the Song of Time. 

**Link:** Cool.

**Zelda:** Kay, now go to the temple.  See ya.

**Link:** Bye.

He now appeared back on the bridge, and, being in a good mood, walks into the castle town, not even noticing that he is.

**Link:** La di da-wait!  Where are we?

He looks around and sees that he's in the Castle Market.

**Link:** AHHHHHHHHH-hey!  There're no rap dudes!

**Random Guy:** Yeah, today we're doing the middle-age theme.

**Link:** Oh.  Well, I'd better get going to the Temple-

**Random Guy:** NO!!!!!!!!  You have to get a shield first!

(Pause)

**Link:** Why?

**Random Guy:** Because you'll have no shield if you don't.

(Pause)

**Link:** Why?

**Random Guy:** Because you're gonna lose all your stuff.

(Pause)

**Link:** If I'm gonna lose all my stuff, then wouldn't I lose the shield too?

**Random Guy:** Uh…no.

**Link:** How's that?

**Random Guy:** Er, game programming?

**Link (energetically):** Ok!

So Link follows the Random Guy into a shop called Bazzar.  He walks up to the counter.

**Link:** Hi!

The guy behind the counter leans over to see Link.  He's really big and muscular.

**Bazzar:** Hai.

**Link:** …

**Bazzar:** Would you like to buy something?

**Link**: Sure.  Got any shields?

**Bazzar:** Yep.  You know Fred, don't you?

**Link:** Who?

**Bazzar:** You know, the guard who forgot to tell you about the shield thing?

**Link:** Oh him.  Yeah, I know him.

**Bazzar:** Ok, then I'll give you a discount.

**Link:** How much?

**Bazzar:** It's normally 80, but I'll give it to you for 70.

**Link:** Ok.

He hands him the rupees.

**Bazzar:** Whoa!  How'd a kid like you get so much money?!?

**Link:** I cut lawns.

**Bazzar:** Oh.

So Link headed towards the Temple.  As he walked inside, he saw the interior of the humongous Temple.  It was very plain, made of black and white bricks and with tall pillars leading to an altar in the back of the hall.

**Link:** Well, I'm here.  So I guess I'll just play the song.

He played the Song of Time and the Spiritual Stones somehow magically place themselves into the altar.  The door ahead opened up.

**Link:** Cool.

He walked in and saw a single beam of light falling onto a sword stuck upright in a pedestal in the middle of the room.

**Link:** Oooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!  Cool sword!

**Navi:** That's the Master Sword dummy.

**Link:** Oooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!  Master Sword!

He goes up and pulls it out of the pedestal with no trouble at all.  Then suddenly a blue beam of light surrounds him and all becomes white.

**Ganon:** Thanks for showing me to the Triforce kid.  I really appreciate it.

**Link:** Huh?

**Ganon:** Now I can rule the world!!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** Uh oh.  I don't think I like you anymore.

**Ganondorf:** Awwwwww.  But I'm a really nice guy!

**Link:** Yeah well, whatever.

**Ganon:** HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**END** **OF** **CHAPTER**

**_END OF PART I_**


	11. The Hero of Time

**The Legend of Link:** **Ocarina of Time—Part II**

**_Chapter XI: The Hero of Time_**

**Link (just waking up):** Huh?  Where am I?

He looks around and sees lots of surreal blue waterfalls.

**Link:** Am I in heaven?

He then sees a familiar blue ball-like figure.

**Link:** AH!!  Navi's here!  This must be the other place!

**Navi:** Hasn't changed much, has he Rauru?

**Rauru:** No, I don't believe so.

**Link:** Huh?  Who said that?

He looks around.

**Link:** AHHH!!!!!!!!!!!  BIG FAT GUY!!!!!!!!!

**Rauru:** I am Rauru.  And for being the Hero, you do not seem to have any respect for your elders.

**Link:** Well, you are old, but you are fat too.

**Rauru:** Be silent and listen!  You have come to the Sacred Realm, the resting place of the Golden Power, the Triforce.  I built this place to protect it from those who were not worthy to obtain and use its awesome power.  The Master Sword, the blade of evil's bane that you pulled from the Pedestal of Time was the key to this world.  But only the one who has obtained the three Spiritual Stones and the Ocarina of Time is able to claim the sword.  That one person is you, Link.  You have come to this place to protect the Triforce from one who is evil at heart.  But it has turned ill.  For even though you opened the door of Time in good will, Ganondorf, King of Thieves used you as a guide to the Golden Power and claimed it for his own.  But since you were too young to use that which you pulled out of the pedestal, you were trapped here and put to rest for seven years.  Now Link, do not be alarmed.  Look at yourself!

**Link:** snore 

**Navi:** Nope, hasn't changed a bit.  Bacon!

**Link:** Bacon!  Where?

**Navi:** Look at you!

**Link:** Huh?

He looked at himself and was extremely surprised!

**Link:** I have pants!!!!!!!

**Navi:** Arghhhh!!!!!!

**Link:** Oh, and I guess I'm…I'M FAT!!!!!!!  WHAT HAPPENED!!!!!???????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Navi:** You went to sleep for seven years.

**Link:** WOW!!!  New record!  The most I've ever slept in before was till twelve!

He touched his ears.

**Link:** HEY!!!!!!!  WHY DO I HAVE EARRINGS!!!!!!!!!?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Navi:** Oh, um, well…I got board, you see and…

**Link:** YOU GAVE ME EARRINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Navi:** Yeah.

**Link:** NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Now I look like a girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Navi:** I thought they were kinda cute.

**Link:** I DON"T WANT TO BE CUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AARRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Rauru:** You may deal with you petty fashion problems later.  We have more important matters to address at the moment.

**Link:** More important that me having holes in my earlobes!!!!????!!!!!!!!!

**Navi:** Oh stop it.  They'll heal after awhile.

**Rauru:** Now listen carefully.  After you came here, Ganondorf took the Triforce and claimed himself king of Hyrule.  He became known as Ganon, King of Evil.  Hyrule is now in a time of evil and suffering.  Monsters roam the land and tyrants claim lordship over towns and realms.  The people wait for a hero to save them from the evil that has spread over all the vastness of Hyrule. (Link starts to fall to sleep, but Navi keeps him awake by constantly hitting him) You are that hero, Link.  You are the Hero of Time, chosen by the Master Sword.  With the title also comes the great responsibility of protecting the people of Hyrule; not only the Hylians, but also the Gorons, Zoras, and all the other races of this land.  Even Ganon's homeland, the deserts of the Gerudo, awaits the coming of the Hero.  But you cannot succeed in this task alone. You must awaken the six Sages in order to be given the aid needed to capture Ganon forever in this realm.  I am one of those Sages, Rauru, the Sage of Light.  Link, take this medallion.  In it contains what is left of my strength.  May it help you on you quest.

A golden medallion appears out of nowhere and drops into Link's hands.

**Rauru:** Go now, with the blessing of all of Hyrule.  May you way ever be clear and true.

**Link:** Whoa!  That was weird!

They were now back at the chamber where Link first got the Master Sword.

**Link:** I doesn't seem like seven years has really passed at all!

**Navi:** Yeah, well you were sleeping!  I had to stay awake all that time!

**Mysterious High-Pitched Boyish Voice: **Boo!

**Link:** AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Mysterious High-Pitched Boyish Voice: **Hello Link.

**Link:** Hi scary person.

**Mysterious High-Pitched Boyish Voice:** You look just like I imagined you would.

**Link:** Huh?

**Mysterious High-Pitched Boyish Voice:** You are the Hero of Time, aren't you?

**Link (proudly):** Yep!

**Mysterious High-Pitched Boyish Voice: **My name's Sheik.

**Link:** I'm Link.

**Sheik:** I know.

**Link:** Oh.  How do you know that?

**Sheik (panicky):** Um…game programming?

**Link (energetically):** Ok!

**Sheik (in an undertone):** Whew!

**Link:** Did you say something?

**Sheik:** No, no!

**Link:** All right.  Well, I'd better get to saving the world!

**Sheik:** Wait!  I have some important stuff to tell you!

**Link:** Oh no!  Not more important stuff!

**Sheik:** The first Sage you'll need to save is trapped inside the Forest Temple.  But to get inside you'll need an item that is hidden in the Kakariko Graveyard.  I suggest you go there first.

**Link:** Ok thanks!

**Sheik:** Get going!

**Link:** All right!

And Link walked out of the temple.

**Link:** Whoa!

He was looking out onto a desolate, destroyed land, all black and gray.  The sky seemed scorched as if with fire.  And the ominous Death Mountain loomed over all with a ring of red fire-like smoke around its peak.  As Link looked around, the thing that most stood out for him was the great, black tower, sitting in the place of where used to be the beautiful, white Hyrule Castle. It was tall and menacing, and it looked like it was covered in black teeth.  At the top was a thick cloud of black smoke.

**Link:** That must be his castle then.

**Navi:** Yep.

**Link:** It looks so…evil.

**Navi:** Yep.

**Link:** All right.  We'd better go to the village then.

**Navi:** Yep.

**Link:** Stop that.

He then walked down towards the old market.  But the only things in the burnt and demolished old town were a few half-dead looking figures.

**Link:** Hey, it must be dead people theme day.

**Ned:** Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  NOT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  What happened to their dresses!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Ned:** Oh yeah!

They all put on their pink, flowery dresses.

**Ned:** Iowoveuoooooo!!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He runs out of the market in fear.

**Navi:** I thought you were supposed to get more mature and brave when you grow up?

**Link:** I've been sleeping for seven years.  Do you really think I'd become more mature?  I'm a ten year old stuck in a seventeen-year-old body.

**Navi:** Great.  I had my hopes up.

They eventually get to the Graveyard and Link is totally clueless of what to do next.

**Link:** Well…what now?

**Navi:** How should I know, and don't say because I'm an all-knowing fairy.

Link closed his open mouth.

**Navi:** Why don't you look around for clues or something?

**Link (energetically):** Ok!

He reads one of the graves.

**Grave (and for old time's sake, it's not out loud):**

                                                       Dead Guy,

                                                   Died sometime.

**Link:** Weird.

**Another Grave (see above):**

                                                            Me

                                           I wrote a poem, remember?

**Link:** Ohhhhhhh.  He's dead?  That's too bad, he was so talented!

**Navi:** You're so messed up.

**Yet Another Grave (see above the above): **

                                              Henry Gravy Pink Sr. 

                          He crashed into a wall.  Body was never found.

                                                P.S. I'm not dead!

**Link:** Whoa!  He's not dead!

**Navi:** You're so gullible.  I bet it's just a prank.

**Link:** No!  It's written right there!

**Navi:** Arghhhhhhhh!!!!!!

**Grave #4 (see above the above the above):**

                                                      My Grave

                              Come on down!  The party's just starting!

           P.S. If you need some item to get in the Forest Temple, I can help!

**Link (energetically):** Ok!

He pulls the grave back and goes down a hole in the ground.

**Link:** It's pretty dark down here.

**Navi (sarcastically):** No, really?

**Ghost:** BOO!

**Link:** Hi.

**Ghost:** Didn't I scare you?

**Link:** Na, I'm to use to it now.

**Ghost (whiney):** B-but…I've never scared a-ny-one!  WAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** Well, why would you want to?

**Ghost (still whiney):** I don't know!!!!  WAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** All right, all right!  I'm scared!

**Ghost (wiping his eyes):** R-really?

**Link:** Sure!  Look. Ahem AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Ghost:** Oh goody!  My name's Dampe.

**Link:** Hi Dumpy, I'm Link.

**Dampe:** Well, Link, do you want to race?

**Link:** No, not rea-

**Dampe:** Ok!  RedysetGO!!!!!!!!

**Link:** Ahh!

They run off with the ghost always a little ways ahead of Link.  After about a minute they reach the finish.

**Link:** pant pant

**Dampe:** Oh very good!  I've never had someone keep up with me before!  Actually, I've never raced anyone before.

**Link (bent over and breathing hard):** Well I still couldn't beat you.

**Dampe:** Well I'm in such a good mood that I'll give you a prize anyway!

He disappears.

**Link:** Hey!  Where'd you go?

**Music:** Du du da da du du duuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** Wha?

A chest drops from the ceiling.

**Link:** Ooooo!!!!!!  Big chest!!!!!

He opens it to receive…

**Music:** Du du du duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** Yay!  Some weird, hooky, shiny thing!

**Dampe (from far away):** It's called a Hookshot!

**Link:** Oh.

Link walked out a back door and came to the inside of a windmill.

**Link:** Whoa!  Look at that guy!  He's freaking out!

There was a man with a strange musical box, and he was turning the handle very quickly.

**Link:** Hi guy!

**Guy:** Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** Um…how are you?

**Guy:** Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** Um…what's wrong?

**Guy:** Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** Oooo!  I know!  I'll play a song for you!

He pulled out his ocarina.

**Guy:** Hey!  That ocarina!  That reminds me of the day when some pesky kid came and played a strange song!  The song dried up the well.  It went like this.

He plays a few notes with his box and Link repeats them.  All of a sudden, a storm starts up, inside the windmill!

**Guy:** Hey!  You played it again, didn't you? Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** Ok, bye Guy!

He walked out the windmill and began the long walk to the forest. 

**END** **OF** **CHAPTER**


	12. The Scouring of the Forest

**_Chapter XII:_** **_The Scouring of the _****_Forest_**

Link and Navi have been walking towards the forest for some time now.  They're almost at the forest's entrance.

**Link:** Hey Navi.

**Navi:** What.

**Link:** Now that I'm older, what's a date?

(Long pause)

**Navi:** You're too old to ask that question.

**Link (energetically):** Ok!

As they entered the forest, Link couldn't help but notice how quiet everything was.

**Link:** Hey!  Where is everybody?

Then a familiar pain came from his side.

**Link:** OW!  HEY!

He looked around for the little bush-like figure and spotted him, not far off.

**Link:** Oh you Deku scrubs are REALLY getting on my nerves!  DIE!

He charges at him, stops, than pulls him out by his…hair? 

**Link:** DIE!

The scrub kicks Link in the chest.

**Link:** OW!

Link drops the scrub and he runs off.

**Deku:** Hehe!

**Link:** Dumb Deku!

He turns around and sees that the forest is covered in little Deku holes and there are Deku Babas scattered around everywhere.

**Link:** AH!  What happened?

**Navi:** Um, didn't you hear Rauru?

**Link:** No.

**Navi:** sigh The world is covered with monsters.

**Link:** Oh.

(Pause)

**Link:** Why?

**Navi:** Cause…HEY!

**Link:** Hehe!

He goes into a random house and finds three Kokiri kids hanging out.

**Link:** Hi.

**Kokiri Kid #1:** Hey.

**Kokiri Kid #2:** Howdy.

**Kokiri Kid #3:** WAZZUP!

Link stares at Kokiri Kid #3.

**Kokiri Kid #3:** WHERE'S MY BURRITO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** Um, what's his problem?

**Kokiri Kid #2:** Oh, he's got cabin fever.

**Kokiri Kid #3:** HEHEHEHAHAHAHOHAHAHEHOHOHOHEHAHAHEHOHOHHAHEHA!!!!!

**Link:** Um…so what happened here?

**Kokiri Kid #1:** Ever since some idiot named Link killed the Great Deku Tree, monsters have begun to take over our village.  So we've been staying inside for a really long time cause we're afraid of them.

**Link:** Excuse me, I'm Link.

**Kokiri Kid #1:** No you're not.

**Link:** Yes I am!

**Kokiri Kid #1:** No you're not!

**Link:** YES I AM!

**Kokiri Kid #3: **I'M LINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  HEHEHAHAHOHOHOHAHO!!!!!!

**Link:** …

**Kokiri Kid #1:** NO YOU'RE NOT!

**Kokiri Kid #3:** YES YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Kokiri Kid #1:** Shut up.  You're not Link.

**Link: **Yeah, because I am.

**Kokiri Kid #1:** Prove it!

**Link:** Fine!

He grabs Navi.

**Link:** SEE!

**Kokiri Kid #3:** HE DOESN'T KNOW WHERE MY PICKLE IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Kokiri Kid #2:** Hey!  Who'd you steal that from?

**Link:** I didn't-ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!  Forget it.

**Kokiri Kid #1:** Anyway, like I was saying.  Our two lead Kokiri left for the Forest Temple.  We didn't really know why Mido went, though.  He had been acting stranger than usual, talking to all the weird people who passed on through.  He left right after Saria said that she needed to check out the Temple, cause she felt that it had something to do with the monsters.  So now we're stuck here with a bunch of monsters and no one to follow.

**Link:** Too bad.

**Kokiri Kid #2:** Yeah, it sucks.

**Kokiri Kid #3:** I BOUGHT THE STOCK MARKET!!!!!!!!!!!!  BUHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** Well, I guess I'll be going now!

**Kokiri Kid #1:** Bye.

**Kokiri Kid #2:** See ya.

**Kokiri Kid #3:** MY MONKEY ESCAPED INTO THE MOUNTAINS!!!!!!!!!!!!  AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** Okbye!

He runs out…really fast.

**Link:** Well that was weird!

**Navi:** We'd better check out the Temple.  It sounds like some things have been happening there.

**Link:** Fine.

So they go through the Lost Woods by taking Link's "Shortcut".  After 1 hour and 59 minutes they reach the Forest Meadow.  Link walks up to the maze and is about to go through when he hears something up ahead.

**Strange Voice #1:** Hey Mark.  How much do you get paid?

**Mark:** A nickel, Dave.

**Dave:** WHAT?!?  That's one more than I get!

**Link:** Hey guys.  What's happening?

**Mark and Dave:** INTRUDER!!!

**Link:** What?  Where?!?

**Mark and Dave:** CHARGE!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He begins to run, but Mark and Dave catch up and whack Link with their spears.

**Link:** OW!!!!!!  That hurts!

**Mark:** Duh!

**Link:** Oh yeah, I forgot!  Your boss wanted me to give you these.

Link hands them both a bomb.

**Mark:** What do these for?

**Link:** They're your raises.

Then the bombs explode.

**Mark and Dave (while flying away):** AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** See!  You're _raised_ into the air!  Ha ha!

**Navi:** You know, you're not very funny.

**Link:** Well…I think I'm funny.

**Navi:** You're not.

**Link:** Neither are you!

**Navi:** I'm funnier than you!

**Link:** Well what do the readers think, huh?

**Navi:** …

**Link:** That's what I thought.

He marches off to find himself in the path of another one of those giant guards.

**Link:** Oh crud.

**Moblin (the guard):** INTRUDER!!!

**Link:** Hey!  Here's a raise from your boss!

**Moblin:** A raise? Yippeeeee!!!!!!!!!

He blows up.

**Navi:** You're really milking that you know.

After awhile they get to another couple Moblins.  But these ones have large clubs and look important.

**Moblin #1:** And just where do you think you're going?

**Link:** Um…to the Forest Temple.

**Moblin #1:** We have strict orders to not let anyone pass.

**Link:** Um…do you want a pay raise?

**Moblin #2:** Yeah!-

**Moblin #1:** Shut up.

**Moblin #2:** …

**Link:** But I need through!

**Moblin #1:** No.  We have strict orders to take all intruders to the Forest Temple.

**Link:** …

**Moblin #1:** Come with us.

So Link, accompanied by the Moblins, finally reaches the Temple.

**Moblin #1:** Now you will stay here until our boss gives us more orders.

**Link:** Ok.  Here's something for your trouble.

He hands them both bombs.

**Moblin #2:** Yay!  Pay raises!

BOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!

**Moblins #s 1 &2:** NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** Ha ha!  Suckers!

Then someone falls from the sky.

**Link:** AH!!!!!!!!!!  They're back!

**Sheik:** No, it's just me.

**Link:** Oh.  Hi me.

**Sheik:** No!  My name's Ze-Sheik!

**Link:** Oh.

**Sheik:** I bet you're wondering how to get up into the Temple.

**Link:** No.  I was thinking about how cool it would be to blow Navi up with a bomb.

**Navi:** HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** Hehe.

**Sheik:** Well…to get into the Tempe you have to use the Hookshot.

**Link:** Oh.  Ok.

**Sheik:** And if you ever want to come back here, you just play this song.

Sheik plays a little tune on um…_his_ harp and Link plays it back.

**Sheik:** Link, I'll see you again.

And _he_ disappears in a flash of light.

**Link:** Bye!

He uses the Hookshot to grapple onto a branch that is over the entrance to the Temple, and walks into the door.

**END** **OF** **CHAPTER**


	13. The Forest Fun House I Mean Temple

**_Chapter XIII:_** **_The _****_Forest_****_ Fun House-I _****_Mean_********_Temple_**

**Link:** Hey!  Are we inside or outside?

They were in a room full of trees and vines, but it was still a stone room and felt like inside.

**Link:** This is weird.

He walked a few feet forwards and then a couple of wolf-like creatures popped out of the ground.

**Link:** Whoa!

**Wolfos:** Hooowwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** How what?

The Wolfos charged at Link and began to circle around him.

**Link:** AHHHHH!!!!!  They're gonna mark their territory!

**Navi:** Nah, they're just gonna eat you.

**Link:** Oh.  That's not so bad-WHAT AM I SAYING???!!!???  BACK EVIL THINGS!!!!

He swung his sword around and cut just one hair off the tail of one of the Wolfos.

**Wolfos #1:** NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  MY BEAUTIFUL TAIL!!!!!!!!!!!! pop!

**Link:** Bye!

**Wolfos #2:** NO!!!!  Greg!!!!!

Wolfos #2 tried to slash Link, but he did an evasive maneuver (stepping to the left) and poked the tail of the Wolfos.

**Wolfos #2:** AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  NOT MY TAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! pop

**Link:** What's with them and their tails?

**Navi:** They don't like them to get touched.

**Link:** Ooookayyyy.

Link walked into the next room, completely calm and unaware of his surroundings, when suddenly out of nowhere, something fell from the ceiling on top of Link.

**Link:** OW!!!!!  What the?

He looked up.

**Link (screeching like a little girl):** AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!  SPIDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The spider started to turn around in circles, hanging from its stringy thing.

**Link:** STAY AWAY!!!!

He launched his Hookshot at the Skulltula.

**Skulltula:** pop

**Link:** Whew!  That was close!

He walked into the next room.  It was a large square-shaped room, with four torches near the center all around an…elevator?

**Link:** Hey, I didn't know elevators were invented already!

**Navi:** Um…I don't think they are.

**Link:** Weird.

Suddenly, the four touches burnt out and became ghosts.  As soon as the lights on the torches went out, the elevator lowered into the floor.

**Poe #1:** Hehehehe!!!

**Poe #2:** Hohohoho!!!

**Poe #3:** Hahahaha!!!

**Poe #4:** Boo!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** Um…what's with the ghosts?

**Poe #4:** We're your worst nightmare!!!!

**Poe #2:** Yeah, we're all girls!!!!

**Link:** AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He runs across the room into a random door to get away from the Poes.

**Link:** Whew!  That was scary!

**Navi:** Come on!

**Link:** AHHHHH!!!!  Another one!!!

**Navi:** Stop it.

They go into a door across the hallway, and are now in an empty, circular room.  Then a couple of things drop from the ceiling.

**Link: **Oh great.  It's…not Bob and Jim?

**Navi:** Doesn't look like Bob and Jim.

The two creatures were skeletal-looking things with large shields and jagged swords.

**Link:** What are they?

**Navi:** They were once men, great kings of men.

**Link:** Hey!  I'm the one who quotes, remember?

**Navi:** Yeah, but I couldn't resist!  They're Stalfos. 

**Link:** Oh.

The Stalfos attack Link, but Link holds his shield in front of him, defending all their blows.  After awhile, they stop attacking.

**Link:** Kay, MY TURN!!!!

Link starts slashing at them wildly, but doesn't do anything because the Stalfos now are defending with their shields.

**Link:** Hey!  I'm the only one allowed to do that!!!

He starts going crazy, and eventually, he does a strange, magic, spinny thing, which goes through the shields of the Stalfos, knocking off their shield arms.

**Link:** Oh!  So that's what that does!

**Stalfos:** Huh?

They try to put their arms back on, but each time they succeed, Link knocks off the other one.  After awhile, the Stalfos get tired and just give up.

**Stalfos #1:** Uh…I'mdead!

He lies down.

**Stalfos #2:** Uh, metoo!

He does the same.

**Link:** Oh, guess I win!

**Navi:** Kill them!

**Link:** They're already dead!  Weren't you listening?

**Navi:** Sometimes you make me wonder if we got the wrong kid…actually, you always do.

**Music:** Du du da da du du duuuuuuuuuu!

A chest falls from the ceiling and Link gets…

**Link:** A key!?!  What do I need a stinking key for?!?

They walk back out of the room and wander around for a while, until Link spots a door with a keyhole.

**Link:** Oh.  I guess that's what I'd need a key for.

He opens it and goes through to find himself in a tall room with lots of ladders.  He climbs, moves bricks, and climbs some more till he reaches a square room at the top but as soon as he got up the first ladder…

**Blue Thing:** Bahahahah!!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** Whoa!

He fell backwards off the cliff.

**Link:** OW!  What was that thing?

**Navi:** A Blue Bubble.

**Link:** Oh no.  Not more bubbles!!!!!

He climbed back up…carefully.  He got up and saw two flying skulls with blue fire surrounding them.

**Link:** DIE THINGS!!!!!

Link ran at the blue bubbles, but his attacks did nothing.

**Link:** Huh?

The bubbles finally spotted him.

**Blue Bubbles:** BUAHAHAHA!!!!!

They both charged at Link.

**Link:** AH!

He raised his shield and once the bubbles hit it, their blue fire went out and they started flopping on the floor like fish…or something.

**Link:** HA!

Then Link got rid of them both.

**Blue Bubbles:** pop

Link looked around and spotted a door…with an eye above it.

**Link:** I-I-it's…HIM!!!!

**Navi:** Nah, that's just some switch.

**Link:** Oh.

They go through the door.

**Eye of Sauron:** Whew!  They didn't notice my disguise!!!!

**Frodo:** Hey!  It's Sauron!  Everyone…ATTACK!!!!!

The Fellowship appears out of nowhere and charge the Eye.

**Eye of Sauron:** Oh crud.

Back with Link…

**Link:** Hey!  What's with the hallway?  It's all twisted!

**Navi:** Yeah…that's weird…

**Link:** Weeeeeee!!!  Look Navi!  I'm on the wall!!

**Navi:** Ugggg.

**Link:** This is like one of those places at a fair!

**Navi:** You mean a fun house?

**Link:** Dunno, probably.  Weeeeeeeeee!!!!

**Navi:** A-r-g-hh!  Why me?!

He goes through the hallway and into the next room…

**Navi:** HEY!

**Link:** Stop that!

**Navi:** Watch out for the monsters that hang from the ceiling.

**Link:** What monsters?

He looks up at the ceiling and sees nothing, then he looks down and sees a big round shadow.

**Link:** AHHHH!  I GOT FAT!!!!

A hand falls out of nowhere and grabs Link's hat.

**Link:** HEY!!!  THAT'S MY HAT!!!!!!!!!!

Link tugs on his hat, but the hand isn't letting go…then Link slaps it.

**Hand:** Owwww!  WAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

**Link:** Stop it.

**Hand:** pop

**Link:** That'll teach you not to mess with MY hat!!!!!

He looks up at the wall and there's…

**Link:** A chest?!?  On the wall!?!

**Navi:** Yeah…weird.

**Link:** How do I get to it?

**Navi:** How should I know?

**Link:** Oh forget it then.

He goes into the next room witch is full of weird blank pictures.

**Link:** Creepy.

Then he climbs down the stairs and spots another picture with a painting of one of the ghosts in it.

**Link:** AH!  Even creepier!!!

He runs down as quickly as he can and races into the door opposite him.

**Link:** Whew!

Then a Stalfos falls from the ceiling.

**Link:** Oh great.

The Stalfos runs towards Link.

**Link:** sigh (does the magic, spinny thing)

**Stalfos:** Oh no!  I'mdead!

He lies down on the ground.

**Music:** Du du da da du du duuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!

A chest appears.

**Link:** Ooooooo!

He opens it to receive…

**Music:** Du du da duuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** YAY!!!!!!!!!!  BOW AND ARROWS!!!!!!!!!

He goes into the next room, which also has blank pictures on the walls.  But Link spots the one with the ghost on it.

**Link:** Hey!  Target practice!!!!

He launches a few arrows and in five or six tries, can bulls-eye the picture.

**Link:** YAY!

Then, as soon as the arrow hits the forehead of the ghost, it comes alive.

**Link:** AHHHHH!!!!

**Ghost #2 (Amy):** Hohohoho!!!!!!

**Link:** BACK!!!!!!

He fires an arrow and the ghost…dies?

**Amy:** Oh no!!!!! pop

**Link:** Yay!  She's dead…I'm gonna go do that to the other one!

He runs back and shoots the picture of the other ghost and it comes to life.

**Ghost #1 (Beth):** Hehehehe!

**Link:** Bye.

He holds his bow to her face.

**Beth:** Oh crud. pop

**Link:** Wow!  I LOVE THIS THING!!!!

He hugs his bow.

**Navi:** You disgust me.

Link goes back to the room with the other ghost (Amy) but finds that the door to the next room is locked.

**Link:** Oh great.  Now what?

**Navi:** You probably just missed something.  Try retracing your steps.

So Link goes back a room…then another…then another…until he reaches the room with the eye above the door.  Link looks up at the eye, which is all bandaged up.

**Link:** That eye is really creeping me out!!!!!!

He shoots an arrow at the Eye and it closes.

**Link:** I wonder what that did?

**Navi:** I think I heard something in the room we were just in.

**Link:** Ok.

So they go back into the twisted hallway.

**Eye of Sauron:** Man, it's bad enough when all Middle-Earth hates you, but then some kid has to go shoot you in the eye just because he thinks you're creepy.  I hate my life.

As Link and Navi go through the door and back into the hall, the first thing they notice is…

**Link:** Hey!  It's not twisted anymore!

**Navi:** Yeah!

**Link:** Awwww, too bad.

They go through it and are now on what used to be a wall.  Link notices the chest that he spotted earlier.

**Link:** Yay!

He opens it to get…

**Link:** Ooooo!  Shiny gold key!

He puts it in his pocket and turns around.  But after two steps he falls into a hole.

**Link:** AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

(Thud)

**Link:** OWWWWWW!  That hurt.  Hey door!

He goes through and finds another door.

**Link:** Hey!  Another door!

And he goes through THAT door and finds…

**Link:** Hey!  Evil hand…AH!!!!  EVIL HAND!!!!

The hand goes for Link's hat.

**Link:** NOOOOO!!!!  YOU CAN'T HAVE MY HAT!!!!!!!!!

He Fires at it with his trusty bow and it goes…pop

**Link:** Why do they all want my hat?

**Navi:** Yeah, it's ugly!

**Link:** Hey!  Don't listen to her, hat.  I think you're beautiful!

He hugs his hat.

**Navi:** …

**Music:** Du du da da du du duuuuuuu!!!!

A chest drops from the ceiling.  Inside it is…

**Link:** Yay!  The key!

Link races through another door, which leads back to the room with all the ladders.  He gets to the room with the Eye.

**Link:** Just for fun…

He shoots the eye and runs through to the next room.

**Eye of Sauron:** …I'm moving.

Eventually, Link finds his way back to the room where he killed the first ghost.  He unlocks the door and goes through to find himself in a room very similar to the room with the twisted hallway, except it's not twisted.

**Link:** This looks familiar.

He goes through a door in the back of the hall and sees…

**Link:** Ah!  It's him again!!!!  The Eye!  Die eye!

Link shoots it and hears the hall behind twisting.

**Link:** Thanks eye!  Bye!

He leaves the room.

**Eye of Sauron:** Ok, I leave the room, and then he finds me, and shoots me again…I HATE MY LIFE!!!!!!

Link goes back through the hall, which is now twisted until he reaches the room that it leads to…and trips into a hole.

**Link:** NOOOOOOOO!!!!!  NOOOOOTTT  AAAAAGAINNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!

(Thud)

**Link:** Ow.

BOOM!!!!!!!!

**Link:** Whoa!  What was-WHOA!!!  The ceiling fell!

The roof of the room had fallen to the ground and was now rising back up to the top of the room.  There were holes all over in it, as if they were put there on purpose as a difficult was of crossing.

**Link:** I-I have to go…through that!?!

**Navi:** Yeah.

**Link:** Great.

BOOM!!!!!!

**Link:** Well, here goes…it!

Link runs towards the falling ceiling just as it is beginning to rise again.  He races through as quickly as he can and finds a hole to stand under just as the ceiling falls.

BOOM!!!!!!!

**Link:**  pant pant

Then he dashes for the door on the other side of the room, but just as he reaches the door, he notices…

**Link:** AH!  MY HAT!!!!!

He looks back and sees it on the floor a few yards back.  Link makes a run for it and begins to hear the ceiling rumbling above him.  He grabs his hat as the ceiling begins to fall, but has no way to make it back to the door and…

BOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

…

**Link:** I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm…NOT DEAD!!!!  YIPPEEEE!!!!!!

He runs back to the door and goes through.

**Link:** Whew!!!  My poor hat!  You almost got squashed!

**Navi:** So did you, moron!  Why'd you go back for the hat!

**Link:** WHY!!!???!!!  IT'S MY HAT!!!!  I can't live without it!!!

He hugs his hat.

**Navi:** I can't believe you.

Link looks around.  There are only two things: another blank picture and a locked door.

**Link:** KILL THE PICTURE!!!!!!!!

Link fires an arrow at the painting, but this time blocks fall from the ceiling, almost onto Link.

**Link:** What?  What're these for?

**Navi:** Uhhhhh…FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF!!!!!

**Link:** Um…maybe…we have to………make a Lego house?

**Navi:** ARGHHHHHH!!!!!  NO!

**Link:** Oh…um…hey, why do they have pictures on them?

All the blocks had a forth of one picture on them.

**Link:** Ohhhhhh!  It's a puzzle! (Energetically) Ok!

So Link puts it together…after fifty tries.  But he gets it and the puzzle becomes…

**Ghost #3 (Jo):** Hahahaha!!!

**Link:** HA!

He shoots her with an arrow.

**Jo:** AHHHH!!!! pop

**Music:** Du du da da du du duuuuuuuu!!!!!

A chest falls.  You all know the drill…

**Link:** Oh wonderful…a key.

He opens the door to the next room and finds himself…

**Link:** AT THE START!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?  WHAT!?!

**Navi:** LOOK!!!!!!

**Link:** Didn't I tell you to stop doing that!?!

**Navi:** Yeah, but it's too much fun.

**Link:** Arghhhh…

**Navi:** But really, look, there's a ghost down there!

**Link:** Oh.

Link jumps down and goes to the ghost,

**Ghost #4 (Meg): **BOO!

**Link:** Boo hoo to you too.

He fires an arrow at her, but instead of "dieing" she splits into four ghosts, all identical to the other.

**Link:** Huh?

They start circling around Link.

**Navi:** HEY!

**Link:** STOP THAT!!!!!!!

**Navi:** You have to hit the real one!  The other three are fakes!

**Link:** Yeah, but how do I know which one is the real one!?!

**Navi:** Um…it'll hurt if it hits you…

**Link:** Great.

He starts firing at will.

**Meg Illusion #1:** pop

**Link:** One down…

**Meg Illusion #2:** pop

**Link:** Two…

**Meg Illusion #3:** pop

**Link:** Ok three!  Now…hey!  Where'd the real one go?

**Navi:** Oh yeah.  If you kill all three fake ones the real one will disappear.

**Link:** ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

The four Megs reappear and begin to circle Link again.

**Link:** All right that's it!

He pulls out a bomb.

BOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!

**Link:** AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Thud)

**Meg:** ARGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! pop

**Link (smoking, and I mean his body, not him): **HA!  Thought you could outsmart me, huh!  Well think again!

**Navi:** Anyone can outsmart you!  Blowing yourself up.  Pathetic.

**Link:** Hey, it worked though!

**Music:** Du du da da du du duuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!

The elevator rose to ground level again.

**Link:** Ok, here we go!

He rides it down to the basement and goes up to the large, locked door in front of him.

**Link:** That must be what this is for.

He pulls out the big, gold key he got earlier and unlocks the door.  He goes in and up the stairs in front of him until he reaches a circular platform.  He looks around and sees…

**Link:** Nothing.  Well!  Guess I get to go now!

He turns around but as he does, a gate to the stairs closes.

**Link:** Uh…uh oh!

He hears a clicking sort of noise and a voice behind him.

**Mysterious Voice:** Move and you die.

**Link:** Um…ok.

**Mysterious Voice:** I've been waiting a long time for this.

**Link:** Um…f-for what?

**Mysterious Voice:** Turn around.  I want to see your face when you die.

Link turns around, and sees a large machine gun in his face and…

**Link:** YOU!!!!!!!!

**Mysterious Voice:** Didn't I swear I'd get you someday?

**Link:** MIDO!!!!!!!!  So you're the one who captured Saria!

**Mido:** Yes.  I got the sage for the Dark King, and now that I've got you, I'll become his right hand man.   "Hero of Time"!  What a hero!  You couldn't even save one sage!  Everyone will be glad you're gone!  Now say good-bye, pathetic hero!

Click BOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Link jumped to his right just before the blast was fired, and Mido becomes furious!  He begins firing at random and Link jumps and doges all his shots.  After awhile, Mido runs out of ammo and begins to quickly reload, but Link takes the time to make a savage leap at Mido and pins him to the ground.

**Mido:** ARGHHH!!  So, you can tackle now!  But can you take care of THIS!

He launches his fist into Link's eye.  It instantly swells and impairs Link's vision.  Mido escapes Link's grasp and gets his machine gun.  Link meanwhile, is temporarily consumed with pain.  He forces himself to his feet just as Mido grabs a hold of his gun.  Link makes another run around the ring, stumbling while dogging Mido's fire.  One of the bullets grazes his leg, and he falls to the ground.

**Navi:** AH!  LINK!!!!!!!

With that last shot, Mido ran out of ammo again, so he stops to reload.  In a flash, Link pulls out his bow and attempts to hit Mido with an arrow, even though his right eye has gone temporarily blind.  It flies right between Mido's legs.

**Mido:** Ha!  Wittle Linky can't fire his wittle bow!

Link pulls out another arrow and HITS Mido between the legs.

**Mido (squealing in a really high pitched voice):** Oh!!!!!  OW!!!!!!!!!  PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!

He falls to the ground and goes, pop!

**Music:** Du du da da du du duuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!

A blue portal and a heart appear out of nowhere.  Link crawls over to the heart and picks it up.  Suddenly, his eye and leg are healed!

**Link:** YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  IT'S A MIRICLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AND I KILLED MIDO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

**Navi:** He's himself again.  Great.

He goes through the portal and arrives at a familiar place: the place where he met Rauru, in the Chamber of the Sages.

**Saria:** I've been waiting for you, Link.

**Link:** Hey Saria!  Guess what, I KILLED MIDO!!!!!  Cool huh!

**Saria:** That's great Link.  I'm here to thank you.  You have awakened me as a sage and cured the forest of the evil.  I am forever grateful to you.

**Link:** Yeah, yeah, but what about me killing Mido!?!

**Saria:** Here, take this medallion.  In it contains some of my help to you.

A green medallion falls from the sky…or ceiling…whatever.

**Saria:** Good-bye, Link.  And thank you.

And then Link is taken away in another blue warp.

**END** **OF** **CHAPTER**

**Link:** HEY!!!!  WAIT!!!  WHAT ABOUT ME KILLING MIDO!!!!!  Uggggg…


	14. Link, Link, and a Kid Who Thinks He's Li...

**_Chapter XIV:_**  **_Link, Link, and a Kid Who Thinks He's Link_**

****

In the Deku Tree's meadow, all was quiet…till Link showed up in his magic blue thingy.

**Link:** YAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!  DING-DONG, MIDO IS DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then a tree sprouted out of the ground, right beneath his feet and sent him flying into the air.

**Link:** AHHHHHHHH!!!!!

(Thud)

**Link:** Owwwwwww.

**Deku Tree Sprout:**  Hai!

**Link:** Wha???

**Deku Tree Sprout:** Since you cured the forest of evil, I can grow and flourish.  Thanks a lot!

**Link:** Huh?

**Deku Tree Sprout:** Now I'm gonna tell you all this important stuff!

**Link:** NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  RUN AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Link ran away as fast as he could, and he eventually ran into a familiar "friend"…

**Cabin Fever Kokiri:** HAI!!!!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** Oh great.  Not you again!

**Kokiri kid:** Yeah, we thought after going outside his cabin fever would clear up, but it just seems to get worse.

**Cabin Fever Kokiri:** MY COMPUTER CRASHED INTO THE WALL OF CHINA!!!!!!!!!!  MUHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** …

**Kokiri Kid:** We think he has brain damage.

**Cabin Fever Kokiri:** BRAINS ARE 75% HOLE PUNCHER!!!!!!!  AHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Kokiri Kid:** But anyway…the forest cleared up so we're happy now, but still no sign of Saria.  Or Mido…but not like we miss him!

**Cabin Fever Kokiri:** THE COWS ARE INVADING THE SPACE NEEDLE!!!!!!!!!!  HEHEHAHAHOHOHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** Well, guess what?  MIDO IS DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Kokiri Kid:** Dead!?!?!?  How, when?!?

**Link:** We had a fight and I won!

**Kokiri Kid:** ………

**Link:** Um…aren't you happy?

**Cabin Fever Kokiri:** HAPPINESS COMES FROM A CHIP ON THE FLOOR!!!!!!!!!!!  HEHEHEHEHEHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Kokiri Kid:** Happy?!?  No, I'm BEOYND happy!!!  YAY!!!!!!!!!!!  Everyone, MIDO IS DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**All the Kokiri:** YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Singing to the tune of "Ding-dong the witch is dead") Ding-dong, Mido is dead!  The wicked old pig is dead!

**Cabin Fever Kokiri:** PIGS FLY ROCKET SHIPS INTO SKYSCRAPERS!!!!!!!  AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**All the Kokiri and Link:** …

**Kokiri Kid:** Um…LET'S HAVE A PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!

**All the Kokiri and Link:** YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Cabin Fever Kokiri:** GOATS ALWAYS WIN THE LOTTERY!!!!!!!!!!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!

Later that night…

The Kokiri had lit a bonfire and were all dancing around it, singing "Ding-dong, MIDO IS DEAD!!!!" There were those of them, though, that preferred just to sit by the fire and roast marshmallows.  So, the partied, and partied, and partied some more…till someone ruined the fun…

**Link:** Hey, where'd all the marshmallows go!?!

All the Kokiri and Link look up at the top of one of the tree houses and see a little green figure holding a large bag of marshmallows.

**Cabin Fever Kokiri:** MARSHMALLOWS ARE ATTACKING THE MOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  BUHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He held the bag above his head.

**Cabin Fever Kokiri:** THEY CALL UPON THE POWER OF…PICKLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**All the Kokiri and Link:** ???

**Cabin Fever Kokiri:** AHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He tossed the bag of marshmallows into the fire.

**All Kokiri and Link: **NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  NOT THE MARSHMALLOWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Cabin Fever Kokiri:** MY TASK HAS BEEN ACHIEVED!!!!!!!  CHEETAHS SING MY NAME IN PRAISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Meanwhile, all the Kokiri were trying to restrain Link from killing the Cabin Fever Kokiri.

**Link:** HE KILLED MY MARSHMALLOWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I'LL KILL HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Kokiri Kid:** No, you can't!  Even if he is annoying, no Kokiri has ever been killed in the forest!

**Link:** What about Mido?

**Kokiri kid:** Oh…um, yeah.  I forgot about him.

(Pause)

**Link:** I'LL KILL HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!

He tried to run to the Cabin Fever Kokiri, but accidentally tripped and fell on top of someone.

**Bacon Kokiri:** Awwwww man!  You knocked over my bacon!

All the Kokiri and Link look at the Bacon Kokiri.

**Bacon Kokiri:** What?

**Link:** You have…bacon?

**Bacon:** Yeah.

**Link:** Forget the marshmallows!  Let's eat BACON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**All the Kokiri:** YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

So they began to roast bacon over the fire…but then…

**Cabin Fever Kokiri:** LEMONADE COMES FROM HOSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** Wha-AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

The Cabin Fever Kokiri had turned on a nearby hose and was spraying water everywhere.  And he even got the bonfire.

**Link and all the Kokiri: **NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** All right THAT'S IT!!!!!!!!!!  HE'S DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Kokiri Kid:** NO!!!! YOU CAN'T!!!!!!!

(Pause)

**Link:** Why?

**Kokiri Kid:** Because…just because!

**Link (energetically):** Ok!

**Bacon Kokiri:** Awwww, my bacon is wet.

**Kokiri Kid:** Well, it's getting late anyway.  I'm going to bed.

**All the other Kokiri:** Yeah, us too.

They all go in their houses and leave Link standing there.

**Link:** Um…bye.

He walks towards the exit to the forest, and strangely enough, looks back towards the forest with a sad look on his face.  He sighs.

**Link:** Wait, is this me!?  I don't get sentimental!

But even though he said that, he couldn't deny it.  He wanted to live in his peaceful forest again, and not have to worry about the fate of the world.  But he had no choice.  He was the Hero of Time, chosen by the Master Sword, and he was Hyrule's only hope.  So he left.  And he just kept on walking, without any clue of where to go.

**Link:** Um…Navi?  Where are we going?

**Navi:** Huh?

**Link:** I mean…where's the next sage?

**Navi:** …

**Link:** Navi?

**Navi:** I dunno…uh oh.

**Link:** Do you think we should go ask someone?

**Navi:** Who?

**Link:** I was just gonna ask you that.

**Navi:** Um…we could try the Temple of Time.

(Pause)

**Link:** Why?

**Navi:** …JUST DO IT!!!!!!!

**Link (energetically):** Ok!

So Link and Navi race to the Temple.

(Fellowship Theme)

**Ned:** Iowoveuoooooo!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So they run, and run, and Link runs into a wall, and they run, till they get to the room where the Master Sword was.  He found Sheik sitting there playing a GBA.

**Sheik:** Oh, hai.

**Link:** …Why is everyone doing that?

**Sheik:** Dunno, but it's fun!

**Link:** Oh. (Energetically) Ok!

**Sheik:** So you defeated the evil and returned peace to the forest?

**Link:** Um…I killed Mido.

**Sheik:** REALLY!?!?!?!?  YAY!!!!!-um…I mean, that's great.

**Link:** Yeah, I know.

**Sheik:** Oh yes, let me tell you something.

**Link:** Where the next sage is?

**Sheik:** Um…no.

**Link:** Darn it.

**Sheik:** First, let me tell you this.  See this stone here?

**Link:** Yeah.

**Sheik:** This stone is called the Pedestal of Time, where the Master Sword once rested.  And you, the Hero of Time, now bear that sword.  Together with the Ocarina of Time, the Master Sword can transport you across two time periods: One, when you were a young child, and two, into the current form you are now.  This will be vital to solving the riddles of the Sages.  To do so, all you need to do is return the Master Sword to this stone, and you will go back in time seven years.

**Link:** Cool!  You mean I'm like a walking time machine!?!

**Sheik:** No, the Master Sword is like a time machine, along with the Ocarina of Time.

**Link:** Oh darn it. 

**Sheik:** Now, there will come a time when you will need to return here swiftly.  This is a melody that will return you to here when that time comes.

Sheik played a tune and Link followed perfectly.

**Sheik:** Good.  Now, the next place you should attempt to return peace to is a dangerous one.  You should go to Death Mountain.  Ganon has enslaved the Goron people and is threatening to feed them to a mighty dragon, called Volvagia.  I have seen the Goron's City myself, and it seems deserted.  But I saw one, solitary Goron rolling around the second level of the City.  You should go see him.  He is the son of the Goron leader, Darunia.  You should head there immediately.

**Link (energetically):** Ok!

**Sheik:** Link, we shall meet again.

And Sheik disappeared in a flash of light.

**Link:** So, I just put this back here and…

(Seven years previous…)

**Link:** Whoa!!!  Look!  I'm cute again!!!  YAY!!!!!!!!!!  And then I do this!

He pulls the sword back out again.

(Seven years later…)

**Link:** Look!  Now I'm fat again!!!  This is great!

(Seven years previous…)

**Link:** Now I'm cute…

(Seven years later…)

**Link:** And now I'm fat!

**Navi:** Stop it already!  We have to go save the Gorons!

**Link:** All right, all right!  You don't need to be so bossy you know!

**Navi:** If I wasn't, then we'd never get anywhere.

**Link:** …Good point.  On to the mountain then!

(Fellowship Theme)

So they began the long trek to the mountain.  After about a day and a half, they reach the foot of the mountain.

**Link:** Well, let's go up.

     So they climb, and climb, and climb, and Link trips over a rock, and they climb and climb, and a rock runs into Link, and they climb and climb, and Link gets lost on one of his "shortcuts" and they climb and climb and take the road to the city, the one that you have to go strait then take a right at the third rock, then go left after the first wood pole, another left at the next rock, then walk backwards to the wood pole and circle it twenty-three and a half times, and after all that, go southeast towards the cliff over there and walk along the border until you reach a second wood pole then tell it the password: bob, and then the city will appear over to the left.  So after all of that, they enter the city.

**Link:** Hello?  Anybody home?

He walks along the second level until he hears something behind him.

**Link:** What's that noise?

He turns around and gets knocked over by a rolling Goron.

**Link:** AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

(Thud)

**Link:** Hey!  Stop right there!

**Goron:** I'm not listening to you, minion of Ganon!

**Link:** Hey, I'm no minion of Ganon!  I'm Link, the Hero of Time!

**Goron:** Really!?!

**Link:** Yeah!

**Goron:** Hi!  I'm Link!

**Link:** Hey!  I've already been through this before, I'm Link!

**Link:** But I'm Link.

**Cabin Fever Kokiri:** I'M LINK!!!!!  AHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!

**Link**: Hey how'd you get here!?!

**Cabin Fever Kokiri:** MY MOTHER DROVE A FELL BEAST!!!!!!!!!!  BUHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** …Aren't those the things the Nazgul ride?

**Cabin Fever Kokiri:** NO!!!  THE CAREBEARS KILLED THEM ALL!!!!!!!!!  AHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** Go away.

**Cabin Fever Kokiri:** AHAHAHAHAH-WHAT?!?!?! pop

**Link:** Bye!  Now, back to the argument.  I'M LINK!!!!

**Goron Link:** But I'm Link too.  My daddy named me after you, because you were so brave!

**Link:** Oh, did he really?  Well, I _am_ brave!

**Goron Link:** But now…daddy went off to the Fire Temple to save all the Gorons…but He hasn't come back yet…I-I'm worried about daddy…sniff sniff

**Link:** Hey, um…where is the Fire Temple?

**Goron Link:** sniff It's in the center of the mountain, but there's a secret entrance into the temple n daddy's room.

**Link:** Well, tell you what.  I'll save your dad and the Gorons.

**Goron Link:** You will!!!

**Navi:** You will!?!?!?

**Link:** Sure!

**Goron Link:** Oh thank you!  But you'll need this to stand the heat of the Temple.  Here…

He handed Link…

**Music:** Du du da duuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** Yay!  A red tunic!

**Goron Link:** That's called a Goron's Tunic.  It's made from Dodongo stomach so to keep heat out.  In fact, that one is made especially out of the King Dodongo that you killed seven years ago!

**Navi:** Hey!  I KILLED THA-

Link grabbed Navi and stuffed her into his hat.

**Link:** That's cool.  Anyway, I'd better get to the Temple!

**Goron Link:** Good luck!  And please, save us Gorons!

**Link:** All right! 

He headed for Darunia's room.

**Navi:** What is with you!?!  You actually are going to do something for someone else!?!

**Link:** Well, that's what I'm supposed to do, aren't I?  I am the Hero of Time you know.

**Navi:** Well yeah, but…It's just…weird…

Link got to the room and noticed a statue that was put in an odd position.  He moved it aside and found a path to the heart of the Mountain.

**Link:** Ok Navi.  Don't look.  I've gotta put my Red tunic on.

**Navi:** Well you're wearing a white body suit basically!

**Link:** So!?!  DON'T LOOK!

**Navi:** Whatever.

Link threw on the Goron tunic and ran through the path.   He eventually got to a bridge and as he was crossing it, Sheik fell from the…sky?

**Link:** Whoa!  How'd you do that!?!

**Sheik:** Game programming.

**Link:** Figures.

**Sheik:** I don't have much to say except to learn this song.  It will bring you back here if you have need to.

Sheik played a song and Link played the same.

**Sheik:** Well Link…be careful.

**Link:** Um…ok!

And Sheik disappeared in a flash of white light.

**Link:** Well, everyone sure seems worried about me!  I'm so special!

**Navi:** Either that or they don't want you to die cause you're the Hero of Time.

**Link:** You ruin all my fun you know that?

**Navi:** It's what I'm here for!

**Link:** All right.  Let's get this over with!

He climbed down the ladder to the Temple.  But he didn't notice a dark shape that followed him in…

**END** **OF** **CHAPTER**


	15. The Forty Five Level Fire Temple

**_Chapter XV:_** **_The _****_Forty-Five-Level_********_Fire_********_Temple_**

       Link had entered the Fire Temple, a shrine originally built to give bloody sacrifice to the dragon, Volvagia.  The sacrifices often would be Gorons, and thus the Gorons lived in fear of the mountain's bloodthirsty inhabitant.  But according to legend, long ago a Goron hero rose to the defense of the Goron race.  With a legendary hammer, the Megaton Hammer, he struck down the evil dragon, returning peace to the Gorons.  It was then that this Goron became the first real leader of the Goron people. 

     The ancient evil ones who had given the sacrifices had long been extinct.  But Ganon, who had researched all the evil powers in the land he could win over, came to the mountain to revive the evil dragon and punish the Gorons for their disobedience in not handing over the Spiritual stone seven years ago.  He captured almost the entire Goron race, with the exception of the Goron leader, Darunia and his son.  There was one in whose blood flowed the blood of the Goron hero.  This one indecently was Darunia, the only strong, mature Goron that escaped Ganon's grasp.  He felt it his duty to rescue his people and set out to find the Megaton Hammer, which he hoped still rested deep inside the Fire Temple.

     Link knew nothing of the history of the Fire Temple when he had volunteered to rescue the Gorons.  He knew nothing of what was inside of the Temple.  He didn't know how large the Temple was; how dangerous.  He didn't know the reason the Temple existed, and what it retained from that original purpose.  He didn't know that someone had followed him in.  And most importantly, he didn't know of the dragon that resided inside of it, and of its bloody nature…

**Link:** You make it seem like I don't know anything!

**Narrator:** Hey!  You're not supposed to respond to my narration!  Get on with the story!

**Link:** Ok! ahem Well…this is interesting.

Link was looking at a few humanoid shaped sculptures that seemed to be placed there for a reason.

**Link:** Creepy…

**Navi:** Come on!  This place gives me the creeps!  Let's just save the Gorons and get outta here!

**Link (energetically):** Ok!

Link walked up the stairs, at the top of which were some strange human-head shaped torches engraved in the wall.

**Link:** Even creepier…

Link saw two doors: one that was locked, and one that was unlocked.

**Link:** Well that's pretty obvious.

Link ran through the door to his left and was in a large room with a door at the end that was engraved with all sorts of evil symbols.  In front of the door was a certain Goron…

**Darunia:**  Hello brother!  Fancy seeing you here!

**Link:** Um…do I look like your brother?

**Darunia:**  Don't you remember?  Well, it was a long time ago.  Remember the day I gave you the stone?  We became sworn brothers!

**Link:** Oh…right, the stone thing…(thinking)…I still wonder what happens if you give that to a girl…

**Darunia:** I'd like to talk to you sometime, man to man, but now is not the right time.

**Link:** Don't you mean Goron to boy?

**Darunia:** What do you mean?  You've matured much, I'm sure, in seven years time.  You are a man now!

**Navi:** I'd beg to differ…

**Darunia:** Now, brother, I have a big favor I need to ask you.  I wish we had met at happier times, but right now my people are enslaved and are to be fed to the evil dragon Volvagia.

**Link:** Dragon?  What?

**Darunia:** Don't you know?

**Link:** …No.

**Darunia:** There is a dragon in this mountain that is said to be the bane of all Gorons.  It has a bloody history and has killed more Gorons than anything or anyone in all of our history.  Long ago, a race of evil people inhabited the mountain, and before we knew their purposes, we had supplied them with Goron Tunics to allow them to survive in the heat of the mountain. (Link was nodding to sleep but Navi kept him awake using her usual methods.)  But they eventually took over.  They came to our city, disguised as ghosts, which were wreathed in fire.   They came and captured Gorons.  One day, a "ghost" had been caught by a mighty Goron whose name, legend does not recall.  But this Goron learned that this race had been the ones threatening our people and feeding them to the dragon to appease their evil purposes.  The Goron hero came to this very place, equipped with the mighty Megaton Hammer, and struck down the dragon, thus freeing our people.   The "ghost people" then disappeared into the heart of the mountain, and legend does not tell what became of them.  But now, Ganon has revived our nightmares, the one thing we fear above all else.  The dragon has returned and Ganon is threatening to feed my people to it, as he claims, to "teach us a lesson".  But I can see through his evil lies.  He means to make the Goron race extinct.   Link, I want to ask you to help me with freeing my people.

By this time, Link didn't need to be kept awake.  He was too afraid.****

**Link:** No thank you!  I'm no dragon-killer!

**Darunia:** No, I'm not asking you, nor expecting you to help me defeat the dragon.   I want you to go throughout the Temple and release my people from their cells.  I would do this myself, but someone will need to keep the dragon at bay.  I've tried to find the Megaton Hammer, but I fear that it has been lost to the fires of the Temple.  I thank you, Link, for your help.

**Link:** Wait!  You mean you're going to take on Mr. Goron-killer!?!

**Darunia:** There is no other choice.

**Link:** Wait, can't you just stop and think for a second!?!

**Navi (sarcastically):** Yeah, like you do all the time.

**Link:** Shut up.

**Darunia:** I'm sorry Link, but my destiny calls me.

**Link:** NO!  WAIT!!!!

At that, Darunia turned and walked through the evil-looking door.

**Link:** Stupid oaf!  He's gonna kill himself!

**Navi:** What are you gonna do about it!?!

**Link:** I…I dunno.

**Navi:** Maybe you should just do what he asked?

**Goron:** Sounds good to me!

**Link:** Wha?

**Goron:** Over here!

Link went over to where the voice was coming from and found a lone Goron behind some bars.

**Goron: **Hello.  I'm a Goron. We eat rocks.

**Link:** …

**Goron:** I think that switch over there will open the door.

Link activated the switch and freed the Goron.

**Goron:** Oh YAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!  Thank you Mr. Link!

**Link:** Sure.

**Goron:** Let me help you with the Temple.

**Link:** Ok.

**Goron:** Inside of my cell there is a chest with an item that you might find useful!  Please, save us Gorons!

And with that, he walked off.

**Link:** What kinda help was that!?!

**Navi:** Um…Goron help?

**Link:** Weird.

Link opened the chest to receive…

**Music:** Du du da duuuuuuuuuu!!!!!

**Link:** Um…a key…whoopee.

**Navi:** Didn't we see a locked door back there?

**Link:** No.

**Navi:** Stop it!  You did too!

**Link:** Fine.

     Link walked back to the room with all the humanoid things and unlocked the door across from him.  As he walked in, he beheld the largest room he had ever seen.  The floor was all lava, save for the small islands of land here and there.  A large bridge spanned the gap over the lava and lead to the other side of the room.  And there was no ceiling.  The top of the room just kept on going.

**Link:** Whoa.

**Navi:** Yeah.

**Link:** Wow.

**Navi (getting agitated):** Uh huh.

**Link:** Man.

**Navi (annoyed):** Ok, stop it all ready!

(Pause)

**Link:** Why?

**Navi:** DON'T YOU START THAT MISTER!!!!!

(Pause)

**Link:** Why?

**Navi: ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

Navi had completely lost it this time and had sent her tiny body flying into link.  But rage can be a powerful weapon, and even though she was small, she had enough force to make Link loose his balance and he tripped over the side of the bridge.

**Link:** AH!

**Navi:** Oh no…

(Now to one of those really creepy black and white flashbacks…)

**Great Deku Tree:** Navi, listen to me.

**Navi:** Ok!

**Great Deku Tree:** My time on this earth is now limited.  I cannot help the Hero in the way I wish I could.  I ask you to assist him in my stead.  Look after him, and make sure that no harm comes to him.  Protect him with your very life.  Do you understand, Navi?

**Navi:** Sure, whatever Great Deku Tree.

**Great Deku Tree:** Promise me Navi, that you'll look after him.

**Navi:** Fine, fine.  I promise…

(Now back to the colored world…)

**Navi:** …LINK!

Navi flew behind Link and with all her might, tried to save him from that deadly fall into the lava below.  But there are other forces, greater than rage and she managed to get Link up onto the bridge.

**Link:** Why'd you do that Navi???

**Navi:** I'm sorry, ok!  I just got carried away!

**Link:** No, I mean…you saved me.

**Navi:** Oh…well, you know…theGreatDekuTreesaidIhadto.  So there.  Don't get any ideas!

**Link (energetically):** Ok!

Link waked a few yards forwards until he reached a large gap in the bridge.  He jumped over it like it was just a little crack.   He had been through so much by now that things were becoming more and more casual to Link, and he was becoming less fearful of them.  But soon, that would be no help to him…he could never be prepared for what he would soon encounter…never…

Link walked a little ways until he found a path that seemed to lead to the wall to his left.  He followed it and found another Goron there.

**Goron:** Hello.  I'm a Goron.  We eat rocks.

**Link:** …Why do you ALL say that!?!

**Goron:** We're brought up that way.

**Link:** Oh.

Link stepped on the nearby switch and freed the Goron from his cell.

**Goron:** Oh THANK YOU Mr. Link!  I'll tell you a secret for saving me.  There is said to be a mighty weapon at the top of the Temple that can crush even the hardest metal to fine powder.

And with that, he walked out a quick as he could.

**Link:** How was that a secret?  I already knew that!

**Navi:** Well we didn't know that it was at the top…

**Link:** Well then I guess we'd better try to find it.  Maybe it isn't lost like Darunia thought.

Link went back to the door that he saw at the other side of the big room.  He went through and found his way to the second floor.  He was in a creepy green-colored room with a Goron in a cell.

**Goron:** Hello. I'm-

**Link:** A Goron, and you eat rocks.  I've heard it before.

**Goron:** Oh.

**Link:** Hey!  Where's the switch???

**Goron:** Oh, Mr. Link.  You'd better forget about me.   My switch is on the other side.

He pointed to the back of his cell where there was another door.

**Link:** Shut up.  I'm saving you too.  How do I get back there?

**Goron:** I think there's a hole that leads down here from the next level.

**Link:** All right then!  See you in a bit.  Don't worry; no one's gonna kill you as long as I'm alive!

**Strange Voice (from far away):** Hehehehehehe!!!!

**Link:** Navi…what was that?

**Navi:** I…dunno…

**Link:** Oh well.

Link climbed up a wall to his left.  He found a strange creature there that he'd never seen before.  It was red and had a fire on its back.

**Link:** Weird.  DIE!!!

Link made a savage leap and brought his sword through the back of the creature.  It screeched in pain, and scurried off to hide, its flame now extinguished.

**Link:** Hey!  Come back here!

Link stabbed it one more time and it fell to the ground.  He then came to a ladder and went up.  As soon as he reached the top, he saw a demonic face engraved in the wall.  The whole room was huge, but there was little room to walk.  There were dozens of stone pillars, about thirty feet high that made the whole room into a weaving web of halls and corridors. 

**Link:** Man, this place is creepy.

As soon as he said that he felt the floor start to shake.

**Link:** AH!  What did I say!?!

Then he saw to his left, the biggest rock he had ever seen, and it was heading his way!

**Link:** Uh oh.

He started to run, the boulder following him.  He felt it as if it was breathing down his neck, then he took a turn to his left and the boulder kept on rolling down the previous path.

**Link:** Whew.

He spoke too soon.  Another boulder had fallen from the ceiling, and was coming at him again.

**Link:** It's like they're after me!

He began to run again and this time found a crevice in the wall to hide in.

**Link:** Man…pant…what's happening?  Hey!  A door!

Link went through the door to his left and found yet another Goron hiding there.

**Goron:** Hello.

**Link:** You'reaGoron, Youeatrocks, yeah, I know. 

Link stepped on the switch and set the Goron free.

**Goron:** Thank you Mr. Link.  This is something you might find useful.  They say that there once were an ancient people that resided inside of this Temple, giving praise to the dragon.  They were a wicked people, with an evil religion that worshiped evil itself.  They say that there are many curses that they put on this place that could be awakened if their demonic spirits were disturbed.  I warn you to keep your peace.

**Link:** I'm not afraid of them.  What can spirits do to people?

**Goron:** If I were you, I'd choose my words more wisely, Mr. Link.  The dead can do more harm to the living than the living can do to the dead.

And at that, the Goron ran out of the room.

**Link:** Man he was superstitious!

**Navi:** But he does have a point.  I think we should be more cautious of what we say here.

Link walked back out of the room and was facing another demonic face in the wall.

**Link:** Was that there before, Navi?

**Navi:** I don't think so…

Link felt the ground rumble again and this time two boulders fell from the ceiling both heading towards Link: one from the right and one from the left.

**Link:** Uh oh.

     Link ran to the nearest corridor and continues down it.  He glanced back to see the boulders turn and come down his path!  He looked ahead and saw two more turn from their paths down his and one more fell from the ceiling onto the path to his right.  He was cornered.  There was nowhere to go.  Then suddenly, the boulders stopped.

**Demonic Voice:** Thou have no fear of spirits long dead?  

Thy mind shall change before long. 

Thy heart shall fill with dread, 

Of those who have long been gone.

While thy bones yet move, and thy blood, flows,

Evil blooms, and darkness grows.

Now feel the anguish, the terror, the fear,

Thy time on this earth, your end is near,

The dead whom you do not fear are here,

To come to take thee to where they dwell,

To the eternal fire, the fire of hell.

     At those last words, the ground shook terribly.  Link HAD begun to fear.  For the first time, he felt truly afraid.  For the first time, he felt like his end WAS near.  For the first time, he wished he was not the Hero of Time.  He wished it were not him who had drawn that sword, the sword of evil's bane, the Hero's Blade.  But now, it was too late.  All he could do was wait for the next thing, to see what the evil was going to give him.  He could guess it: death.  The shaking stopped.  He waited.  Then, humanoid figures burst out of nowhere, all aflame.  They began to dance an evil dance; their dance of death.  The boulders began to move again, and Link was again without anywhere to go…it was his end, as he thought.  He felt woozy…his mind was going…his vision was blurred…he fell on his knees, his mind was bursting…the only thing he noticed before he fainted, was a dark shadow that seemed to kneel down beside him…he felt something grab him…then his mind went blank.

**Link:** Wha…where…am I?

**Navi:** Oh Link!  You're…AH!  I mean, WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG!?!??!?!  Taking your pretty little time asleep, huh?  For a second there…

**Link (still drowsy):** What?  What are you talking about?

**Navi:** Oh never mind.

Link scratched the back of his neck and felt something was missing.  Sure enough…

**Link:** My sword!  The Master Sword!  It's gone!

**Navi:** Yeah, that thing took it from you.

**Link:** What thing?

**Navi:** The thing that saved you.  It brought you here.

**Link:** Huh?

**Navi:** Arghh!  Why do you have to be so clueless?  Here, in this cell.

**Link:** Oh.  YOU MEAN I'M CAPTURED!?!?!?

**Navi:** Sort of.  Look.

She gestured to the top of the cell.  There was no ceiling.

**Navi:** I bet you that you could climb to the top of that and go out the door to your right.  I've been scouting and I think that door leads to the next level.

**Link (energetically):** Ok!

**Navi:** Come on, you've been asleep far too long.  The Goron's are probably dead by now.

     Link climbed his way out of the cell, and came to the door Navi spoke about.  The door did lead to the next level, but it was on top of the pillars that made up the corridors that Link had raced through earlier.  He came to a ladder that led down a couple levels and brought him to the other side of the Goron's cell.  Link stepped on top of the switch and the cell opened up.

**Goron:** Thank you so much Mr. Link!  I'm so glad you didn't forget me!

**Link:** Sure.

**Goron:** Now Mr. Link, let me tell you something important.  There is a way to face off the dead.  The dead in this Temple have feared us Gorons sense we had defeated their great dragon, Volvagia.  And so, they fear our "special crop".  If you ever have need to give them a scare, bring out a sample and the tables will turn on your encounter!

And with that the Goron headed for the exit.

**Link:** Wait!  Goron's special crop???  What is that!?!

**Navi:** Well think.  What do the Gorons specialize in?

**Link:** …Eating rocks?

**Navi:** No, no, what do they sell?

**Link:** …Rocks?

**Navi:** ARGHH!!!!!

Link climbed back up the ladder and as soon as he reached the top, he noticed another demonic face that was engraved on the floor. 

**Link:** No!

Link ran as fast as he could, jumping over gaps, to reach the door.  But he heard something that made him stop.

**Goron (far away):** Help!!! Goro!!!!

**Link:** Oh no…

Link ran as fast as he could towards the voice.  He reached him, and set the Goron free.

**Goron:** Hello-

**Link:** Don't talk, just go!  Now!

The Goron ran for it, while Link was trying for the door.  But once he got there…

**Link:** What the???  The door is gone!

**Demonic Voice:** Thou shall not escape evil's wrath

We shall bar thy doors, change thy path.

Thou escaped us once, but not again,

For this time thou shall have no friend.

Now we come, thy body we break,

Thy mind we conquer, thy soul, we take.

At that, three of the fire demons appeared out of nowhere and began to dance once more.  Link, out of despair, searched his pack for help.

**Link:** Hookshot?  No.  Deku nuts?  No.  Bombs?

**Navi:** That's it!  It's bombs!  It must be!

**Link (energetically):** Ok!

Link pulled out a bomb and chucked it towards the three dancers.   They howled their evil furry, and disappeared.

**Link:** Ok, let's get outta here!

Once the demons had disappeared, their evil magic had too.  The door was once again in its rightful place.  Link went through and found another door that seemed as if it was the next one to go through.

**Link:** Ok, here we go.

He went through the door and came to a room that was covered in torches that were blowing flames, Fire Keese in the air, and walls of fire that seemed to be there just to make it more difficult to pass.

**Link:** This is crazy!

**Navi:** Well we have to try it!  I have a feeling that the Hammer is nearby.

**Link (energetically):** Ok!

Link began to dodge flames and Keese until he reached a door on the other side of the room, but when he tried to open it…

**Link:** Huh?

The door started to wiggle then fell on top of Link.

**Link:** AHHHH!!!!!!

(Thud)

**Link:** Ow!  What in the world?!?

**High-Pitched Demonic Voice:** Hehehehehe!!!

**Link:** Oh!  You wanna play rough, huh?

He pulled out a bomb.

**Link:** I'll play rough then!

He tossed it at the door.

BOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The door lay shattered, and behind it was another door.

**Link:** Cool!

He went through it and found himself in a pitch-dark room.  The door closed and locked behind him with a bang.

**Link:** Uh oh…

**Mysterious Voice:** So, you are the foreseen Hero?

Link thought that he had heard this voice before.

**Link:** Who are you?

**Mysterious Voice:** I will be the one to ask the questions, seeing that I am the one with the advantage here.  You are locked in here; with no way to see whereas I…I can see.  I live in the darkness.  I _am_ the darkness so to speak.  I was created in the dark, and I reside in the dark.

Now Link knew he had heard that voice before…it was so familiar…

**Link:** Fine.  Then what do you want?

**Mysterious Voice:** Plain and simple, I want to know who you are, why you exist, what your _purpose_ is.  I want to know why you came here and what you plan to achieve.  And most of all, I want to know if you are indeed the Hero that legend tells of.  If you will answer these things, then you shall leave, unharmed.

Link could feel and hear the owner of the voice walking around him.

**Link:** And if I don't?

**Mysterious Voice:** Then I will have no choice but to take from you the one thing you possess that is worth more than all else, save your life.

**Link:** And what would that be?

Link felt the voice's owner stop pacing.

**Mysterious Voice:** This.

Link heard a chink sound and recognized it right away.

**Link:** The Master Sword!

**Mysterious Voice:** Now if you will answer my questions, then I shall return this thing to you that you need so direly, but _only_ if you answer my questions.  Now, are you the Hero, or are you not?  They say that only the Hero can pull the blade from its resting place, but did you perhaps take it from the true one?  You do not seem like the Hero that legend speaks of.

Link was not sure if he should answer the question, but he did know that he needed the Master Sword back.

**Link:** Yeah.  I pulled it out of the Pedestal.

**Mysterious Voice**: Ah.  Then answer this: Who are you, why do you exist and what is your purpose?

Link could almost see the voice owner's eyes now.  They seemed red, or maybe orange.  He couldn't tell exactly due to the darkness.

**Link:** I'm Link, a Kokiri-

**Mysterious Voice:** Are you?

**Link:** …Yes…

**Mysterious Voice:** Hm…but the Hero was said to be a Hylian.   Are you not the Hero then?

**Link:** I am what I told you.

**Mysterious Voice:** Hm…go on then.  Why do you exist?

**Link:** I exist…to…to be me.

**Mysterious Voice:** Hm…then what is your purpose?

**Link:** My purpose…is…to save Hyrule.

**Mysterious Voice:** Hm…from what?

**Link:** From Ganon, the King of Evil.

**Mysterious Voice:** Ah.  So you came here to do what?

**Link:** To save the Gorons.

**Mysterious Voice:** And how do they fit in to you plan of the salvation of Hyrule?

**Link:** I think…that a Sage-

**Mysterious Voice:** Ah!  A Sage you say?  So, you are gathering the descendants of the Ancient Ones to defeat the King of Evil?

**Link:** I…I think so…

**Mysterious Voice:** So that must be what you plan to achieve then?

**Link:** Yes.

**Mysterious Voice:** Hm…well, I believe you have kept your promise, so I shall keep mine. 

Link heard the Sword being thrown to his feet.

**Mysterious Voice:** Now I shall ask you one thing in return for what I have done for you.

**Link:** What you have done for me!?!  You just stole my sword!

**Mysterious Voice:** Did you think your fairy friend saved you from those spirits?  No, I did.  And I also got rid of the fire spirit that guarded this place.  You would have been helpless without the Hammer.  And so I ask you in return…to stay alive.

**Link:** Um…ok…

**Mysterious Voice:** We shall meet again, Link.   For that is our fate.

And he disappeared.  As he did, a flame appeared and lit up the room.  Link saw his Sword and put it back in its scabbard. 

**Link:** Man that was weird.

**Navi:** His voice…I've heard it before…but it was…different.

**Link:** Yeah, I thought so too.  Oh well!  Look, I think that'll take us up to the next level.

Link and Navi stepped onto a platform and the instant they did, it started to rise.  At the top, they got off and Navi instantly spotted a chest surrounded by fire at the end of a spiraling slope.

**Navi:** THERE!  That must be where the Hammer is!

**Link:** All right then!  Let's get it!

Link stepped on a nearby switch that extinguished the fire around the chest.  He ran to the chest and received…

**Music:** Du du da duuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** Yay!  The Hammer!  Let's go kill…never mind!

**Navi:** Come on!  You gotta help Darunia!

**Link:** Awww, do I have to?

**Navi:** Yes.

**Link:** Oh darn it.

So Link went back down to the foot of the slope and found another exit to his right that he took.  It eventually led down to a cell with a Goron in it.

**Goron:** Hello-

Link stepped on the switch.

**Link:** Tell me what you know.

**Goron:** Um…ok.  There is one thing that can dispatch the evil dead of this Temple better than all else.  It is the same thing that they feared hundreds of years ago.  It is also, what you can use to destroy their statues, which block important doors in the Temple.

Then the Goron left.

**Link:** Why do they always leave me with riddles??? ARGHHH!!!!

Link then began the long trek back to the first room of the Temple.  Link went to the room where he had met Darunia and he found the door to the dragon locked up tight.

**Link:** WHAT!?!  It wasn't locked before!

**High-Pitched Demonic Voice:** Hehehehe!

**Link:** Oh.  Great.  Fine, I'll go find a key then!

So Link went back a room, to the room where he first entered the Temple.  There he found one of the statues the Goron had spoken of, and the same one that he had seen when he first entered.

**Link:** Ooooo!  Fun!

He smashed the statue to pieces.

**Link:** Ahahahah!!!

**Navi:** You're sick, you know that?

Link went through the door he had just revealed only to have it lock behind him.

**Link:** Not again…

Then, the tiles on the floor that had demonic faces on them began to rise from the ground.  They spun a round and, one by one, began to throw themselves at link.

**Link:** AH!

Link dodged the first one by jumping out of the way, and the second one by rolling. The third one grazed his shoulder and for the fourth he held up his shield.  One caught him off guard and hit his shield arm.  The final one Link dispatched with his sword.

**Link:** Ow!  Stupid tile!

Link nursed his arm for a bit then headed towards the door to his left.  And again, the door locked behind him.  Out of a platform in the center of the room, came a fire demon, the same one that the mysterious figure had got rid of earlier.

**Fire Demon:** Your friend helped you once, but this time he won't!  Now die to my dancing, Hero!

The demon started to dance, but Link pulled out a bomb as to scare it off.

**Link:** What about this, fire butt!

**Fire Demon:** Hahaha!  I am not afraid of such childish things!

He blew a flaming breath that blew the bomb up in Link's hands and sent him flying back, smack against the wall.

**Link**: AH!  Ow…oh…

The demon began its dance again, but link remembered suddenly…The Hammer!  He brought it out and mustered enough strength to send it smashing into the side of the demon.

**Fire Demon:** NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!  ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! boom

**Music:** Du du da da du du duuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!

The door ahead opened and Link went on through.  There was a Goron, with a large chest in the center of his cell.

**Goron:** Hello-

Link stepped on the switch and the Goron was free.  Link grabbed the key in the chest and went off.

**Goron:** Hey!  You didn't even let me say thank you!

     Link came to the door of the dragon's again.  He saw the same demonic face that he had seen so many times in the Temple, engraved on the door along with many other devilish looking symbols.  He let go a large sigh of anticipation and opened the door.  Inside he saw…nothing.  There was a large island of rock in the center, with nine fiery holes, but that was all…no sign of Darunia.

     Link went over to the island and tried to find any signs of Darunia…even a sign of blood, but there were none.  He hoped that Darunia was safe.  But just as these thought came to him, the room dimmed…there was an eerie dark-red color to the room now…then…he saw it…

**Link:** No…not again…

The face.  The evil, demonic face he had seen in the Temple, which was usually followed by some evil happening, had appeared now, above the doorway he had just come through.

**Demonic Voice:** Thy soul is courageous to get thus far,

But thy quest of this Temple ends here.

For we have other ways of breaking your bones,

Other ways of inducing fear.

The souls of the dead, the evil ones,

Have thus, your presence born.

But now they have grown impatient,

Now thy flesh shall be torn.

Now we shall show forth our blood lust,

Now Volvagia!  Come to us!

     At that, the dragon had heard its call.  The dragon of the mountain, Goron's Bane, the one who they fear above all others had come out of the very rock that Link stood on.  Up from one of the fiery holes, it thrust its mane of fire, its eyes searching for prey.  Link was no match for the one before him, for the dragon, Volvagia.  But the dragon was evil, and Link had one thing that could conquer evil.  Good, and the blade of good, the Master Sword, the blade of evil's bane.  He had also, the only weapon known to defeat the evil dragon; The Megaton Hammer.  So, as the dragon swooped to engulf Link in flames, Link jumped to the side and sent the Hammer flying into the dragon's face.  Volvagia roared in pain, and hid beneath one of the several holes in the rock.  Then, the demon voices began to chant once more.

**Demonic Voice:** Evil shall conquer; good shall fail;

Hope shall fall; all shall fade.

Hero's shall in fire drown,

Bring the ceiling crashing down!

     Slabs of rock began falling from the ceiling, and Link had quite a time avoiding them.  After awhile, the dragon came back and the rocks subsided.  The dragon began to circle Link, making its circle smaller, and smaller.  Link made a savage swipe with the Megaton Hammer and the Dragon again, retreated into one of the holes.  The voices resumed their chant and the rocks began to fall.  But then, all of a sudden, they started a new invocation…

**Demonic Voice:** Evil shall win over your spirit,

And make thee now give in to fear.

We come now, to aid our evil,

Prepare thyself, your end is near.

The fire demons had appeared in the arena to destroy Link's courageous spirit.  They began their dance of despair and death, chanting over and over:

**Demonic Voices:** Evil shall conquer; good shall fail;

Hope shall fall; all shall fade.

     Link's mind was once again, going.  His vision, blurring.  He was giving in to despair.  The dragon had pulled his head out of the fire and had a claw ready to crush Link's bones.  Link felt the end coming…he could hear the words like flames in his mind, "Evil shall conquer; good shall fail;"…he felt his mind and spirit failing…"Hope shall fall; all shall fade"…but with one thought that kept him alive, the thought of Hyrule and its fate, he unsheathed his sword and thrust it between the eyes of the dragon.  It screeched in anguish.  Link, with his last bit of strength, sent the hammer crushing into the skull of the mighty dragon, increasing its pain ten times.  The dragon had had enough and it burst into the flames that engulfed its body.  It had been defeated at last.  And with their demonic deity dead, the spirits faded into the darkness of the Temple, never to be seen again.  And with those last blows, Link now had exerted his final bit of strength and fainted………

     When Link awoke, he found himself in a familiar place: the Chamber of the Sages.  He saw someone standing before him, smiling.  It was Darunia.

**Darunia:** Well done brother, well done! 

**Link (still drowsy):** Huh?

**Darunia:** You did it!  You saved my people from their prison!  You found the Hammer!  You killed the dragon!  You returned peace to my people!  You did so much for us, Link, that I don't know how to thank you!

**Link:** A little bacon would be good about now…

**Darunia:** Sorry, I don't have any of that.

**Link:** Oh.  Darn it.

**Darunia:** But I do have this medallion.  Take it with you.  It contains my strength, and my appreciation.

Link received the medallion of fire and was transported outside in one of the shiny blue thingies that he always was.

**Darunia:** Link, you will always be my brother…and my friend.

**END** **OF** **CHAPTER**

**Link:** Yeah, HE thinks so…brother.  PUTH!


	16. Cold Caverns and Weird White Stuff

**_Chapter 16: Cold Caverns and Weird White Stuff_**

_A/N: To begin, let me sum up Chappie 15.  I'm glad most of you liked it! *BIG sigh of relief* =) That's what happens when you listen to "Shelob's Lair" while writing TLoL. =) VERY scary putting a serious chapter in a humor fiction.  BUT, I guess it went well. =) It probably won't happen again soon though.  Shadow Temple is still 4 or so chapters away…hehehe. ;) Anyway, VERY many thanks to ALL the reviewers!  I know it always sounds like, "Yeah, he says that all the time",_ _but I REALLY mean it! =) And special thanks to Kuradokian Princess, Skywalker05, Smea, "Bob", LastSheikah (Your review was SO nice!  It made me feel better about that chappie.) =), Narquelie (Your review was SO nice too! =) Thanks a bunch!), Cozzy, Winged Knight, Melissa Ocean, JT_Slayer, SROA, Katie and all her friends, Nekomoongirl, Atagirl, and Daphnes Nohanson Hyrule (I got a review from the King!  I'm so famous! ;) ).  OK!  Let us begin…CHAPTER 16, THE RETURN OF THE HUMOR!!!…sorta. ;) Enjoy! =)_

Link descended from the air, riding his blue shiny thingy, and got outside the mountain.  

**Link:** Whew!  Finally, I can take off this darn tunic!

Link replaced his Goron Tunic with his usual Kokiri one.

**Link:** Dodongo skin isn't very comfortable!  It makes me itch!

**Navi:** It looks like you're allergic to it…

**Link: **AHH!!!  LITTLE RED SPOTS!!!!

Link and Navi reached the foot of the mountain.  They noticed a large group of people there, conversing among themselves but not seeming to care about keeping their voices down.

**Some Guy:** It seems like the mountain's curse has been lifted!  Maybe the Hero has come?

**Some Other Guy:** It would seem so, but if it is true, then we should see some changes around here.

**Another Guy:** And around the river!  I've heard it's all frozen up!

**Hey!  It's A Girl:** I've heard that too.  My sister lives up near the river and she says it's been too cold to swim in lately.  

**Now a Guy:** Well, if the Hero HAS come, then we should soon see better times…maybe even the Evil King will be dethroned?

**Some Lady:** Shhh!  What if he hears you?

**Navi:** Did you hear that?

**Link:** What?  About the free cookies?

Over to their left…

**Cookie Guy:** FREE COOKIES!!!!  Only 19.99 plus shipping and handling!!

**Navi:** NO!  Didn't you hear those people?

**Link:** No, they were speaking in some other language…

**Navi:** ARGHHHHH!!!!!!!  The river!!!  The river needs to be saved!!!

**Link:** Well why didn't you say that earlier?

**Navi (Monotonously):** …You are really stupid, you know that?

**Link (Energetically):** Yep!  Now, TO THE RIVER!!!!!

(Fellowship Theme)

Link exited Kakariko Village and found his way to the river.  He began to follow the river upstream.  

**Link:** Follow the H2O-

**Navi:** NO!!!!!!!!!!!

(Pause)

**Link:** Follow the H2O no?  That's not how it goes!

**Navi:** If you even start that irritating song, I swear I'll throw you into that water!

**Link:** Why would you do that when you saved me from the lava?

**Navi:** …that's…different.  Now STOP!

**Link:** …fine. 

So they continued up the river till they got to the waterfall.  Link played the "cool song" and jumped into the hole that lead to Zora's Domain.  Once there, he couldn't believe what he saw.

**Link:** WHOA!!!!  I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I'M SEEING!!!

The entire Domain was frozen solid, lake and waterfall alike.  

**Link:** Navi, what is that stuff?!?

**Navi:** WHAT???!!!???

**Link:** The blue stuff!

(Pause)

**Navi:** …YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT ICE IS?!?!?!?

**Link:** Um…what's that?

**Navi:** ARGHHH!!!! You _really_ need to get out more…

**Link:** But…I am out…

**Navi:** Noooooooo…

Link ran up a path that brought him to the King Zora's throne room.  There, he found…

**Link:** WHOA!!!!!!  Frozen fat guy!!!

King Zora was frozen solid on his throne.  He was still in the same position that he was when Link last saw him seven years ago, giving Link the assumption that he had not moved for seven years.

**Link:** Man, it must be hard to be fat if it prevents you from moving for seven whole years…

**Navi:** That's it!  You're gonna stop insulting people and go to where you saw Jabu-Jabu!

**Link:** Awwww, do I have to?

Navi gave Link an evil stare.

**Link:** Okok!  I'm going!

Link ran down the path behind the throne, and got to a large lake that he had seen seven years ago.  But it was different now.  It was the coldest place he had ever been in.  There were pieces of ice floating in the water, like little platforms that could be crossed, and where the Zora deity, lord Jabu-Jabu, used to rest was now a bunch of the ice slabs…no giant fish to be seen.

**Link:** See!?!  I knew that thing I killed was his heart!  I told you!

**Navi:** Sure, whatever.

**Link:** I did!

**Navi:** Uh huh.

**Link:** Wow, it's cold here…

**Navi:** HEY!!!

**Link:** Ow…not the ear again…

**Navi:** See over there!?!  I think that's a cavern!

**Link (energetically): **Ok!

Link ran over to where Jabu-Jabu used to rest, which was now a sea of ice platforms.  He jumped onto one and could feel his feet freezing inside his boots.  He jumped over to the next platform, and the one after that.  After many jumps he finally reached the cave on the other side of the lake.  The cave was filled with snow and ice, even the walls and ceiling were engulfed in it.  At first it was a sight to behold…then,

**Link:** Wow…this looks cool! 

**Navi:** LOOK OUT!!!

**Link:** Didn't I tell you to stop-AHHHHHHH!!!!!!

A boulder had crashed into Link which sent him flying into the wall, and he was lost in snow as it fell down on top of him.

**Link:** Gefff mefff ouftff offffgh heffrfff!!!!

He popped his head back above the snow, and dug his way out.

**Link:** What is that stuff!?!  It's all wet and cold!!!

**Navi:** Why me, WHY ME!!!

Link proceeded through the cave until he reached a room that was cased in a blue ice.  As he walked in, three strange statues, made of ice, appeared in swirls of white, cold air.

**Ice Statues:** Buhahahaha!!!

The statues began to slide across the ice in strait lines.

**Link:** Um…ok…

Link just stood there and watched as the statues slid to his right, one to his left, and another in front of him.  They stopped.

**Link:** Ok…

Then they all simultaneously began to blow freezing breaths towards Link.

**Link:** WHA?!?  AHHHH!!!!!! *ching!*

Link was frozen solid by the breath of the ice statues.  After awhile the ice miraculously broke and Link was free again.

**Link:** W-w-whoa…c-c-cold…

**Ice Statues:** Buhahahaha!

**Link:** S-s-shu-u-ut u-up!

Link swung the Master Sword vertically through the ice and cut it perfectly in two, but somehow it was still moving around the ice.

**Link:** Wha?

He made a few swings at the statue and after another few slices it shattered into dozens of little shards of ice.  He did the same to the remainder of the statues.  After they were dealt with the door ahead opened up.

**Music:** Du du da da du du duuuuuuu!!!

**Link:** YAY!!!

Link goes into the next room and sees a very scary sight.

**Link:** Wow.  Very scary.

A giant blade, made of ice, is spinning in circles in the center of the room.  Link kept to the wall and found two exits: one blocked by an ice wall, and another, by bars.  He noticed something else in the room.  There are many silver rupees all scattered about the room.  He runs around, trying to collect them, while dodging the giant ice blade in the middle of the room.  He gets two of the gems before he runs into a bit of trouble.  Two of the rupees are in the path of the ice blade's spinning path, and another is positioned directly above the blade.  He runs to the first one and then keeps running in the circular path of the ice blade.  But the blade is faster than he thought and is close behind.  He gets the second one and rolls under the blade to avoid it as he breaks away from the blade's path.  To get the floating gem, he climbs up a brick that lies against the wall, and jumps off the top, towards the hovering rupee.  He grabs it midair and as he lands, rolls to avoid the lagged end of the spinning blade.  As soon as he got to the wall again,

**Music:** Du du da da du du duuuuuu!!!!

The door opened!

**Link:** YAY! 

Link ran into the next room, and the door closed shut behind him.

**Link:** Oh great.  Not again…

The room was pitch black and cold to the bone.

**Mysterious Voice:** So, you're the boy with the green hat.

**Link:** Huh?

**Mysterious Voice:** We have some unfinished business to take care of.  You have done something that angers me greatly.

**Link:** Uhhh…what?

**Mysterious Voice:** You killed my nephew.  I must avenge his death.

**Link:** What are you talking about?  Who are you anyway?

**Mysterious Voice:** I am…BLUE KEESE #354956864565!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** Ummm…what?!?

**Blue Keese #354956864565:** ARGHHH!!!  YOU KILLED MY NEPHEW, FIRE KEESE #5341892380279!!!!!!!

**Link:** Who?

**Blue Keese #354956864565 (getting VERY annoyed): **THE GREAT FIRE KEESE!!!!!!

**Link:** Ohhh!!!  Him!!  Yeah, he was a dork.

**Blue Keese #354956864565 (Now VERY agitated): THAT'S IT!!!!  LIGHTS!!!!!**

A flame in the middle of the room lit up to reveal dozens of Blue Keese hovering near the ceiling of the room.

**Link:** Oh…

Blue Keese #354956864565: ATTACK!!!!!!!!

**Link:** Oh crud…

All the Keese in the air swooped down towards Link.  Link ran towards the wall, and pulled out his bow.  He began firing at the Keese at will.  

**Blue Keese #354956864565:** FORMATIONS!!!!  FORM FORMATIONS!!!!!!

The Keese all formed a giant arrow and began to fly towards Link at high speed. 

**Link:** AHHH!!!

Link rolled out of the way and ran towards the opposite wall.  But he didn't notice that…

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!

**Link:** Wha?

He looked back to see all the Keese on the floor.

**Navi:** You dropped a bomb, dork. 

**Link:** Oh.  Cool!!!!

**Music:** Du du da da du du duuuuuuu!!!

The door behind Link had opened, and the flame in the middle of the room had become an eerie blue color.

**Link:** Whoa!  What's that?

**Navi:** Um…a blue flame?

**Link:** Oh.  Cool!

Link, for some reason, put some of the blue flame in two of his empty bottles.  He ran back to the room with the ice blade and remembered that there was only one other door.  The one behind the ice wall.

**Link:** Oooo!  I've got an idea!

Link went over to the ice wall, avoiding the spinning blade, and opened one of his bottles that housed the blue flame.  The ice wall melted away.

**Link:** Yay!

Link ran through the door, and again, it closed behind him.

**Link:** Great.

And then, something popped up out of the floor…weird…

**White Wolfos:** HOWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** Hi.

The White Wolfos started to circle around Link.  Then, Link poked it in the tail.

**White Wolfos:** ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  YOU LITTLE-*pop*

**Link:** Wow.  That was the easiest mini boss in the game!

**Music:** Du du da da du du duuuuuu!!!

A chest appeared in the middle of the room, and inside was…

**Music:** Du du da duuuuuuaaahhhhooouuuuu…(music ends in an off key note)

**Link:** Uh…red slippers?

**Dorothy:** Hey!  Those are mine!!!

She grabs them from Link's hands-

**Author:** Wait, wait one minute!  MAJOR story problem…*scribble scribble* There!  That's better!

Link opened the chest to receive…

**Music:** Du du da duuuuuuuu!!!!!!!

**Link:** YAY!!!!  Boots with large metal slabs attached to them!

**Author:** Yep.  Much better. *poof!*

Then out of nowhere, Sheik appeared!

**Sheik:** Hai!

**Link:** Whoa!  Lemme guess, game programming?

**Sheik:** Nah, I just followed you in.

**Link:** Oh…figures.

**Sheik:** As you saw, Zora's Domain is entirely frozen over.

**Link:** I did?

Navi whacks Link over the back of the head.

**Link:** Ow…

**Sheik:** And the Zora people are now encased beneath the ice sheet.

**Link:** Bummer.  Oh well!

**Sheik:** But I have good news!

**Link:** What?  

**Sheik:** I just saved a load of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.

**Link:** …What's a car?!?

**Sheik:** I dunno.  But I saved!

**Link:** Oh.  (energetically) Ok!

**Sheik:** Oh, and I managed to save one of the Zoras from the ice.

**Link:** Oh.  Good for him.

**Sheik:** No, I saved the Princess.  I think her name was Ruto.

Link stares at Sheik in horror.

**Sheik:** What?

**Link:** NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Sheik:** Um…are you ok?

**Link:** Y-yeah…I'll l-live.

**Sheik:** Well anyway, she headed for the Water Temple.  This is a song that will take you there.

Sheik played a tune and guess what!  Link played it back!  Weird…

**Sheik:** Link we'll meet again.

And sheik disappeared in a flash of light.

**Link:** Bye!

Link headed back out of the cavern.  After he was out, he began to head towards king Zora's throne.

**Navi:** Where are you going!?!

**Link:** I dunno!  I'm just…going!

So he came to King Zora, who was still frozen to his throne.  Link released the other blue flame and defrosted the King.

**King Zora:** Ohhh YAY!!!  I'm ALIVE!!!  Did you save me young man?

**Link:** Um…yeah…

**King Zora:** Here.

And Link received…

**Music:** Du du da duuuuuuu!!!!!

**Link:** YAY!!!  A blue tunic!!!

**King Zora:** That's a Zora's tunic.  It's made especially from Zora scales so it will make it so you can't drown!

**Link:** Whoopee, just what I wanted.  Another thing made of something's skin…

**Navi:** Come on!  We have to get to that Temple!

**Link:** *sigh* Fine…

And Link played the song that would lead him to the Water Temple.

**END** **OF** **CHAPTER**

_A/N…again: I'm sorry that this chapter took so long. =P We're in the middle of moving so it's hard to write thing right_ _now.  So don't expect the next one too quickly.  It may come soon, it may not. (Most likely the second one…) So anyway, hoped you liked it and please review! =)_


	17. The Water Teeter Totter Temple

**_Chapter 17: The Water "Teeter-Totter" Temple_**

_A/N: This is a fun chapter!  Ruto appears, (scary… : | ) a couple of old friends return, and we finally get to see who the dark, mysterious figure is!  YAY! =) Thanks to everyone who sent in a review! =) And special thanks to Kuradokian Princess, Skywalker05, Smea, "Bob", LastSheikah, Narquelie, Cozzy, Winged Knight (Thanks for returning CFK!  I've been wondering where he went to…do I get to keep the cage? ;) ), Melissa Ocean, JT_Slayer,_ _SROA, Katie and all her friends, Nekomoongirl, Atagirl,  and Author Keysoonaer.  Ok, chapter 17!  Enjoy! =)_

     _P.S. I kinda butchered this Temple down a bit…maybe a lot. =) But the Water Temple isn't very exciting in the game anyway._  _So this chapter's a bit tiny.  Sorry. =) It's cool anyway. =) Besides, would any of you REALLY want to read some boring retelling of how Link found some stupid boss key?!? =)_

**Link:** Whoa!  What happened here?!?

Link was looking out onto Lake Hylia, where seven years ago was the largest body of water in the whole land.  Now it was a mere pond.  The source of the lake, Zora's Fountain, had slowed down its flow due to the freezing of half the Fountain.  So as a result, the lake was depleted.

**Link:** So where is this Temple anyway?

**Navi:** I think it's somewhere under the water.

**Link:** Well how do I get down there!?!

**Navi:** Ummm…get…fat?

**Link:** That's it!

**Navi:** Uh oh…

Link puts on the boots that he got at the Ice Cavern and begins to wade out into the water.

**Navi:** Wait, what are you forgetting?

**Link:** Ummmmm…bacon?  No wait, I've got that…

**Navi:** Arghhhhh!!!  Do you think you can breath down there?!?

**Link:** Ummm…yeah?

**Navi:** NO!!!!  The tunic stupid!  You have to put on the tunic!

**Link (energetically):** Ok!

Link threw on the Zora's Tunic and waded farther out into the water.  The Iron Boots on his feet weighed him down, but once he was in the water they lightened up a bit.  He reached the door of the Temple which was made from iron bars.  

**Link:** Uhhh…what now?

**Navi:** Ummm…maybe that has something to do with it?

She gestured towards a little blue crystal thingy that was directly above the door.

**Link:** But…how do I get to it?

**Navi:** I dunno!!!  Just throw something at it!!!!!

**Link (energetically):** Ok! 

He pulls out a random object, which ends up being…

**Link:** AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  CUCCO!!!!!!!!!!!!

He tosses the cucco towards the little blue crystal thingy and it detaches itself from the wall and floats towards the surface of the water.  Then the door opens.

**Link:** How did a cucco get in my pocket anyway!?!

**Navi:** Who cares, at least it worked!  Now go inside!!!

**Link:** Fine, fine.

They walk into the Temple.  The Temple interior consists of three levels, all immersed in water, save for the highest level.  In the center of the room was a large pillar which rose from the floor to the ceiling, and in both the pillar and the walls of the room were doors and corridors that all led deeper into the Temple.  Link and Navi decided to begin at the bottom and work their way up.  So Link sank to the bottom and entered under an archway that led to a hall, but what he didn't know was who was waiting for him on the other side…

**Link:** I have a feeling that we should turn back…

**Navi: **You always want to turn back.

They round a corner and face Link's most feared, very frightening, worst nightmare…

**Link's Most Feared, Very Frightening, Worst Nightmare:** I can't BELIEVE you've kept me waiting SEVEN **LONG** YEARS for you to show up!!!!!!!!

**Link: **AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Ruto:** Yes, you SHOULD feel ashamed of yourself!!!!!

**Link:** What are you talking about?!?!?!? I was screaming at yo-

**Ruto:** Oh yes, at the fate of Zora's Domain.  I tried to save my people but I was too late.  Now they are incased in ice…  I want to rescue them though, so that is why I came here.  As my future husband-

**Link:** I AM **NOT** G-

**Ruto (paying no attention to Link):** -You must help me defeat the creature that holds Ganon's curse on the Temple.  In order to reach it, you will need two keys.  The first is in the door behind me.  That key opens a door on the third level, and the item in there leads to the boss.  But to enter the door to get the first one, you will need to lower the water level.  I'll lead you to the first water switch.

And she swam towards the surface of the water.  Link just stood there.

**Navi:** Well, aren't you gonna follow her?

**Link:** No.

Navi gives him a threatening look.

**Link:** I'M NOT!!!

**Navi:** You have to!  Remember who you are!?!

**Link (reluctantly):** …fine.

Link removed his Iron Boots and floated to the top of the water.  There he found to his delight…

**Link:** YAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!  NO RUTO!!!!!!!!

**Navi:** Where'd she go?!?

**Link:** I dunno, but WHO CARES!!!!!!!!!!!

**Navi:** But she was gonna show us how to lower the water!!!  What are we gonna do now?!?

**Link:** Ummmm…I dunno-Hey look!  Pretty triangle thingy!

**Navi:** That's a Triforce symbol stupid!

**Link:** Triforce?

Navi stares in disbelief.

**Navi:** Your joking, right?

**Link:** Uhhhh, no…

**Navi:** Why him, why did it HAVE to be him?!?!?

**Link:** I'm gonna play a song for it!

Link played a random song (in other words, Zelda's lullaby) and the water level lowered.  Link went back down to the floor where he saw Ruto and entered in the door down there.  Inside he found two creatures, one on top of the other's shoulders.

**Lizard-like Creature #1:** Jim!  Stand still!

**Jim:** It's kinda hard when you have your older brother on your shoulders!  Why didn't you take the bottom anyway?

**Bob:** Ummmm…yeah, good point.

**Link:** Whoa!  What are you guys doing in here!?!

**Bob and Jim:** WHOA!!!!

They fall to the ground.  Sounds of breaking dishes.

**Bob:** How'd you get in here?

**Link:** I asked you first!

**Bob:** You did?

**Link:** Yeah.

**Bob:** Darn.

**Jim:** We got thrown in here.

**Link:** What?!?  By who?

**Bob:** The Zoras.

**Jim:** They thought we killed their big fish.

**Bob:** But we didn't!

**Jim:** Anyway, they threw us in here as a makeshift prison.

**Bob:** So we've been stuck in here for seven years, two weeks, five days, three hours, twenty-three minutes, and thirty-four seconds.  Thirty-five seconds, thirty-six seconds…

**Link:** SEVEN YEARS?!?!?!?!?!?

**Jim:** Yeah, right after we last saw you.

**Bob:** Forty-two seconds, forty-three seconds…

**Link:** What were you doing up there then?

**Jim:** Well, we were trying to break our way out using this.

He holds up a small, silver key.

**Jim:** But since you're here, we don't need to anymore!  Here, you can have this.

He hands Link the key.

**Bob:** Fifty-eight seconds…

**Link:** Thanks guys!

**Jim:** How bout a fight just for old times sakes?

**Bob:** Thr-Yeah!  Let's fight!

**Link:** How bout not-

**Bob:** Ok!  ReadysetGOOOO!!!!!!

**Link:** *rolls eyes* (pokes Bob)

**Bob:** Oh no!  I'm dead!

He explodes.

**Link:** (Pokes Jim)

**Jim:** Oh no!  I'm dead!

He explodes.

**Link:** Like I've said before, they'll never learn.

Link took his key and headed for the exit.  He reached the room with the pillar and entered in a door there.  He found another Triforce symbol there.

**Link:** Oooooo!!!  Song time!

He played Zelda's Lullaby and the water level rose to the second floor.  He eventually found another symbol and the water level rose to the highest level.

**Navi:** Ok, now we just need to find that door.

Link searched the third level and found only three doors: the one he entered the Temple through, one that was beyond his reach, and a third with a keyhole in it.

**Navi:** It must be that one.

Link came to the door.

**Link:** I have another one of those "we should turn around" feelings…

**Navi:** Go in that door, NOW!!!

Link inserted the key, turned it slowly, and walked in.  Inside it was blacker than night.  He walked a few feet forwards and felt water at his feet.  His nerves were unsettled.  He was seriously thinking of turning around and walking out when he heard a voice address him.

**Mysterious Voice:** Finally, you're here, Link.  I've been waiting.

Link recognized this voice instantly.  It was the same voice that he heard from the Fire Temple…this was the person…or thing that had saved him from those fire demons…

**Link:** How did you know I'd be here?

**Mysterious Voice:** I knew.  You could say that…that we are quite similar.

**Link:** Why are you here?  What do you want this time?

**Mysterious Voice:** What I want is not the question.  What I must do…what I must do is against my own will.

Link, confused, stares at the darkness in front of him, where the voice is coming from.   

**Mysterious Voice:** I too have a purpose in life, Link.  I too have a reason I exist.  And although they are tied into yours, they are quite different at the same time.  And what I am…well, that is very complicated.

**Link:** Enough riddles!  What are you saying!?!

**Mysterious Voice:** I exist to disrupt your quest.  My purpose is to kill you.  Who I am…I am you, or rather, your shadow.

The lights come on, and Link first realizes the size of the room.  The room is a giant, wall-less room, broken by the single tree in the center of it.  The water is very shallow, rising only to Links ankles.  Under the tree is a shadowy figure, alike to Link in everyway, save in his color and his eyes.  He is all black, with eyes red as fire that burn with a hidden power.  Now Link understood why that voice was so familiar…it was his own, but twisted and evil.

**Link:** You…you are me?!?!?!?

**Dark Link:** I am your shadow.  A creation of Ganon, devised to be your downfall.  I am a copy of you, with a will bound to the King of Evil's demands.  I possess your powers, your abilities, and your strength.  I can do everything you can do and more.  But with that, comes a price.

**Link:** What?

**Dark Link:** My life is tied to yours.  While you live, I live.  If you die, I too shall fade.  

**Navi:** So that's why you saved him!

**Dark Link:** I saved him to give myself more time.  I also was sent to assure that the Hero has indeed arisen.  But he has no fear of you.  The Hero was prophesized to be a Hylian; you are a Kokiri.  You are no Hero.  But even if you were the Hero, the King of Evil now knows of your plan.  If I fail, you still will not survive.  But I shall not fail.  I cannot fail.  Farewell, Link.  You cannot defeat me, for I am you, and unless you can become stronger than yourself, than it is impossible for you to win.

In a flash, Dark Link had unsheathed his sword and rushed towards Link with a bloodcurdling cry. Link, panicky, drew his sword and simultaneously back flipped, just barely dodging a blow from Dark Link.  As Link gained his feet, Dark Link threw a blow at him.  Their swords met.  The Master Sword crashed into the dark blade of Link's rival, and the clash echoed throughout the room.  Dark Link unleashed a fury that made both blades quake.  Link defended as Dark Link smashed repeatedly into the Blade of Evil's Bane.  Link flinched as the blows came again and again, each time seeming to grow in power and rage; the water beneath them quivering from the energy emitted from Link's Shadow.  Link realized that he could not win by simply defending; he needed to attack.  Dark Link's blows let up a bit and Link rose to the occasion, sending the Master Sword's shining edge swiftly and accurately into the blade of his opponent.  Dark Link fell back a bit, surprised by the strength of his opponent.  Link sent his Blade through the air towards Dark Link's side.  He raised his shield, thwarting off Link's blow.  Dark Link began attacking once again, with a little more caution this time.  Link couldn't get any blows in at this rate.  He needed to think up a way to get his opponent down.  Dark Link continued attacking with a seemingly untiring strength, with Link attempting a blow or two occasionally.  But he could not get any attacks on his opponent.  Link attempted a stab at his rival's side and miraculously, he hit!  Dark Link hissed in pain and began attacking again, with even more anger and rage this time.  He gained small nicks at Link, attacking further and further down the blade of the Master Sword.  Link was loosing his control of the Master Sword as Dark Link attacked near the hilt of his Blade.  Then Dark Link attacked Link's side and gained a blow.  Link bore his pain and began again attacking and parrying, parrying and attacking.  Link was beginning to get tired.  He needed a rest.  He brought out the first item that came to mind: a bomb.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!

The blast sent both Link and his opponent flying across the room.  They both fell to the ground with a splash.  They were now dozens of yards apart from one another.  

**Link (breathing hard):** I can't beat him!  He's too fast!

**Navi:** Yes you can!  Remember, he's only your shadow.  You can do anything he can do!

**Link:** That's hard to believe.

Dark Link had risen from the floor and was now heading towards Link.

**Link:** Doesn't he ever get tired?!?

**Navi:** He must.  He's just a copy of you.

**Link:** So…I just need to find my weakness?

**Navi:** Yeah.

**Link: **Well what's that?!?

**Navi: **Well, what is the one thing that you hate most?

**Link: **…Ruto?

**Navi: **Stop fooling around!  He's almost over here!

**Link:** Well…those fire demons used magic…

**Navi:** Do you have any magic?!?

**Link:** I have that magic spinny thing…

**Navi:** Use it then!

**Link (energetically):** Ok!

Dark Link now was only a few yards from Link.  He rose to his feet and prepared his Spin Attack.  As Dark Link came within range, Link unleashed the magic from his Blade.  The red blast of magic burst into Dark Link's body and sent him flying back.  Link rushed over and attacked his fallen opponent.  But Dark Link was not done with yet.  He rolled to the side and gained his feet.  They began exchanging blows once again.  Link took another stab at Dark Link's side, but this time his rival jumped onto the blade of the Master Sword and attacked Link's shoulder.  Link yelled in agony, nursing his arm as Dark Link jumped from his Blade.  Link was getting annoyed now.  He let another Spin Attack out and hit his rival.  The blow sent the shadow to the ground.  Link rushed over and brought out the Megaton Hammer.  In a flash, the Hammer's heavy end smashed into Dark Link.  Dark Link scream echoed endlessly through the large room.  Dark Link, though battered and beaten, still had one last surprise.  Link, thinking he had defeated his opponent, stood over him.  Then, Dark Link rose to his feet and in a flash had his sword thrust towards Link's side.  Luck was with Link.  The blow had missed him by a mere inch.  Link then thrust his blade, the Blade of Evil's Bane, into Dark Link's side.  The pain engulfed his opponent's body.  The sound that came from Link's fallen opponent was indescribable.  He fell to his knees and vanished into the ground.  Link was exhausted, wounded, and out of breath.  He needed something to heal him.  Then he remembered.  Link brought out a bottle filled with milk. (For some reason, Hylian milk is a form of medicine.) He gulped down half the bottle and let out a sigh of relief.

**Link:** Well, that was the hardest mini-boss in the game!

**Navi:** Wait, isn't that the same milk Talon gave you?!?

**Link:** Yeah, so?

**Navi:** IT'S SEVEN YEARS OLD!!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** Tastes good to me!

**Navi:** That's disgusting.

**Music:** Du du da da du du duuuuuuuu!!!!

A chest appeared in the center of the room, near the tree.  Link came to it and opened it to get…

**Music:** Du da du duuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!

**Link:** Yay!…Another Hookshot?

**Navi:** I think that's a Longshot. 

**Link:** And what's different about that?

**Navi:** It reaches longer.

**Link:** Ooooooo!!! 

Link exits the room and arrives back in the pillar room.  There he uses his new Longshot to grapple onto a strange snake-like head and it pulls him over to the door, which earlier was beyond his reach.  Link enters the large door.  Inside is an eerie blue pond with four stone pillars acting as islands in the water.  Link goes over to the edge of the water and looks down into it.

**Navi:** I'd be more careful if I were you.  That's not ordinary water…

Then something from the water grabbed Link.  It was a giant tentacle, controlled by the boss of the Temple, the water amoeba, Morpha.  It had total control of the water in which it resided and now had its mind set on destroying the boy in its grasp.  It took Link in its tentacle made of water, and shook him up.

**Link:** AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Then it let go and sent Link into the wall, at the bottom of which were large, iron spikes.

**Link:** OW!  Stupid water!  NAVI!!!  How do I kill this thing?!?

**Navi:** Ummm…I think you have to get to the amoeba.

**Link:** And how do I do that!?!

**Navi:** Use the Longshot!

**Link (energetically):** Ok!

Link launched his newfound item at the small ball in the water.  The Longshot dragged Morpha out of the water and onto land.  Link unsheathed the Master Sword and repeatedly attacked the small sphere.  Morpha continued to try to get away from the Hero's grasp, and after Link had nailed several blows it retreated into the water once more.  It began to create multiple tentacles this time.  Link kept his eye on Morpha, waiting for the right moment to grasp the amoeba again.  Then the tentacles surfaced from under the water and reached for Link.  But Link hid away from their reach and with his Longshot grappled onto Morpha.  He attacked the sphere again and again and soon, Morpha had had enough.  It began to inflate and then it exploded.  The water in the pond began to be absorbed by the Temple itself and soon, it had disappeared completely.  

**Link:** Why was the mini-boss harder than the boss?!?

**Navi:** Who cares!  Come on!  Let's get outta here!

**Link (energetically):** Ok!

Link ran into the blue magic thingy and was taken as usual to the Sacred Realm.  But there, he found…

**Link:** AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! 

**Ruto:** Hello Link.  I see you got rid of the monster.

**Link:** Yeah…

**Ruto:** Well, I have some good news and some bad news.  First, I can no longer become your bride.

**Link:** And the bad news?

**Ruto (ignoring Link like usual):** But I am the Sage of Water.  And I will remain here to help you defeat the Evil King.  Here, take this medallion.  It contains my everlasting love for you.

Link (reluctantly) receives the Water Medallion.

**Ruto:** Goodbye Link, and thank you.

And Link was transported away in one of those magic blue thingies.

**END** **OF** **CHAPTER**

**Link:** YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  NO MORE RUTO!!!!!!!!!!  This is better than killing Mido!!!!!!!!


	18. Shadow Rises

**The Legend of Link:** **Ocarina of Time—Part 3**

**_Chapter 18:_** **_Shadow Rises_**

_A/N: I love this chapter!  The last two just don't flow well.  This one does. =) Part Three will be the best I think.  I've been planning ideas for these chapters for months now. =) Anyway, thanks to all reviewers!_  _And special thanks to Kuradokian Princess, Skywalker05, Smea, "Bob", LastSheikah, Narquelie, Cozzy, Winged Knight, Melissa Ocean, JT_Slayer, SROA, Katie and all her friends, Nekomoongirl, Atagirl, Author Keysoonaer, Bobby Joe, Moogle Mc.Moogle, Autumn Belle, and Lady Suneidesis. (It can make an author's day just to hear those six simple words: You are a very talented writer.  Thanks!) =) Ok, so here we go.  Part Three, Chapter 18.  Enjoy! =)_

_     P.S. For anyone who cares, I went back and edited the first 17 chapters.  If you spot an error please tell me!  Thanks! =)_

Link was walking through Kakariko Village under a warm, sunny sky.  People were cheering and waving as he passed by.   

**Crowd of Random Peoples:** The Hero!  Save us, and all of Hyrule!

**Link (waving back):** Yes, yes, I am cool.  Don't worry, I'm gonna show Ganon who's boss!

Suddenly, the bright afternoon sky grew dark.  Grey clouds blocked out the sun…all seemed as if night had fallen.  Then, out of the dark depths of Kakariko's well came a Shadow, glowing with an eerie purple, which grew in darkness and stature as it flooded forth from the small well.  Link stared in horror as the Shadow towered over him.  He drew his sword and prepared himself as the Shadow Monster charged towards him with an anger that seemed to make even the air around it cower with fear.  Link sent the Master Sword swishing through the air as the Shadow Creature came within range.  The Darkness met the Blade's shining edge and at the impact, the Blade fell from link's hand and shattered into dozens of shards.  Link stared in disbelief as the Blade of Evil's Bane, and his only defense, melted into the grass that was back as charcoal from the presence of the Shadow Terror.  Then the Darkness grabbed him, sucking the very life and heart from Link…Dark Link's words rang in his mind: "You are no Hero"…he felt his breath leave him; he was dying…then…

**Link:** Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Link bolted upright, panting.  What a weird dream!  And it all seemed so real too…the Shadow…his sword…

**Link:** Man, I need some bacon!

Link started up a fire with his new Fire Arrows and began to cook some bacon over it.  

**Link:** Hey!  How'd I get Fire Arrows?!?  And don't you dare say game programming!

**Narrator:** Ok then!  Virtual reality configuration.

**Link (giving the Narrator an evil look): **I hate you.

**Narrator:** Hey!  You can't hate me!  I'm the narrator!  I can make you do stuff!

**Link:** Oh yeah?  Like what!?!

**Narrator:** Like this!

Link starts running around in little circles on all fours, barking like a dog.

**Narrator:** Buhahahaha!!!

Navi smelt the smoke from the burning bacon and woke up.

**Navi:** AHHHH!!!!!!!!  FIRE!!!!!!  Link!  WAKE UP!!!!!

She sees him running around in circles.

**Navi:** Have you been fighting with the Narrator again?

**Link:** Yeah.

Link stops running around and sits up like normal.

**Navi:** What are you doing with a fire at this hour anyway?!?

**Link:** Cooking bacon.  Want some?

**Navi:** No.

**Link:** Well you can't have any so ha!

**Navi:** I don't even want any, stupid.

**Link:** Oh…(energetically) Ok!

**Navi:** Well you'd better get back to bed.  We have a long walk tomorrow.  I think we'll head to Kakariko to see if anyone there knows about the Sages…or anything that might help us.

**Link (not energetically):** Fine. 

In the morning, Link and Navi set off to the Village of Kakariko.  It was a bright morning, with little clouds and a lot of sun: the perfect day for anything.  They arrived at the village that afternoon.  As they approached the entrance to Kakariko, they could smell smoke in the air.  As they rounded the corner they beheld the village…on fire.

**Link:** WHOA!!!  What the?!?

Many of the buildings were in flames.  The people were hiding nearby.  Link noticed one person near the center of the village and headed towards him, hoping he knew what was going on.  As he came close he recognized him.  It was Sheik.  

**Link:** Hey Sheik!  What happened here?

Sheik was silent.  He stood looking down into a stone well in the center of the village.  Link remembered where he had seen that before…in that dream he had had the previous night.  

**Sheik:** Get back Link.

At those words, Link could feel an evil presence fill the room.  The sky darkened.  It was an eerie feeling to Link…almost as if his dream was becoming true.  Then Link witnessed as an invisible evil grabbed Sheik off his feet, shook him about, and then tossed him through the air.  He landed hard against the grass behind Link.  Link ran over to Sheik and bent over him, hoping he wasn't seriously hurt.

**Link:** Sheik!  Get up!

The evil flooded into the village, spreading fear and darkness into the hearts of all. Night fell.  Then the invisible evil took visible form as it morphed into a shadow…the same as the one in Link's dream.  The inhabitants of Kakariko fled, screaming in fear.  The shadow, as if it had an objective, ignored the cries of the people and gave its attention only to one person; Link.  It began to charge at Link with an alarming speed.  Link, remembering his dream, kept the Master Sword in its scabbard, fearing that it might be harmed.  Instead, he hid behind his shield and braced himself as the shadow collided with it.  At that moment, Link's mind went blank and he fainted.

************************************************************************

**Link (drowsily):** Owwww…what happened?

**Sheik:** Looks like you're finally coming around. 

**Link:** What was that thing?

Sheik's face becomes grim.

**Sheik:** That was an ancient creature that is more evil, more terrible than even Ganon himself.  It is the sole cause of the terror that lies in this land.  There is no single name for it.  It is a shape-shifter; one who takes on multiple appearances.  It never keeps a solitary shape for more than it needs to.  The Sage of Shadow sealed it up long ago, in this very place; Kakariko Well.  Now that it has arisen again, she has returned to the Shadow Temple to capture it once more.  Link, this task is beyond her capabilities.  She will need help.  I would go myself, but it is not my choice.  The Hero must go.

**Link:** I'm not very sure that I am the Hero…

Sheik looks at Link, confused at this statement.

**Sheik:** Why would you say that?  You carry the Master Sword.  That is proof enough.  

**Link:** But how can I help if even the Shadow Sage can't do anything?!?

**Sheik:** There is an item that rests in the well.  But it is unattainable at the current time.  If you use the power of the Master Sword along with the Ocarina of Time, you can return to a time when the item is within reach.  

**Link:** So, I should go back in time?

**Sheik:** Exactly.  Before you leave, though, learn this tune, the song that will lead you to the place where even shadow flees in terror: the Nocturne of Shadow.

Sheik played the song and Link followed it.

**Sheik:** Good luck Link.  We shall meet again.

And Sheik, as always, disappeared in a flash of light.

**Navi:** Well, we'd better do as he said.

**Link:** Yeah…

Link arrived at the Temple of Time later that day.  He came up to the Pedestal where the Blade of Evil's Bane rested before he had pulled it out seven years ago.  He brought out the Sword, and thrust it into the stone.

(Seven years previous…)

**Link:** It feels great to be cute.  Everything is lighter, happier, and the humor returns!

**Navi:** Uh huh.

**Link:** Plus!  

**Navi:** Stop it!  Go to Kakariko!

**Link:** Oh fine.

Link and Navi headed for Kakariko Well.  Once there though, they found it filled with water.

**Link:** It's ok!  I have those boots and the tunic!

**Navi:** They only fit adults!

**Link:** Oh…now what?!?

**Navi:** I dunno.  

**Creepy Guy:** HEY!!! ASK ME!!!!

**Link:** AH!!!  NOT YOU!!!…Who are you?

**Creepy Guy:** Ummm…Creepy Guy?

**Link:** Oh.  Ok, what do we do Creepy Guy?

**Creepy Guy:** Well, I heard that the well's water level was regulated by the windmill up there.  You should check it out.

**Link (energetically):** Ok!

Link climbed the stairs and entered the door of the windmill that overshadowed the whole village.  Inside he saw the same man who was there seven years in the future.  He was spinning a music box quite quickly.  But unlike in the future, he was kind faced and friendly.  Link went up to him.

**Link:** Hi!

**Guy:** Hai!

**Link:** Whatcha doing?

**Guy: **Playing music.  What about you?

**Link:** Ummm…playing music!

Link pulled out his ocarina and started to play the song that this same guy had taught him seven years in the future.  All of a sudden a storm started up and the wind made the windmill go faster and faster.  Eventually, the speed of the windmill drained the well and Link could now enter it.  

**Guy:** Huh?  What's happening?!?

**Link:** Uhhhh…bye Guy!

Link headed back down to the well and climbed down the ladder that was conveniently placed there.  Down at the Bottom of the Well he found a long, dark tunnel.  Dark and damp; the most unpleasant place you could think of.  Link stared at the tunnel in disgust, reluctant to enter it.

**Link:** I have to go in there!?!?!

**Navi:** Yeah.

**Link:** Great.  

He unwillingly walked into the cramped tunnel.  Inside it was worse than he could ever have imagined.  On the outside, all he could discern was the smell and darkness of the Well.  Inside, the Well was a house of horror.  There were rotting carcasses on the floor, skeletons hung from the ceiling, and splattered on the walls was the blood of those who's lives were taken in the shadow of the Well.  Link stared in horror, wondering what he had gotten himself into.  Even Navi for once felt like turning around.  But they had to go in.  Link walked warily past the corpses and bloodstained walls and arrived at the end of the corridor.  He found himself facing a wall, with no other way around it.

**Link:** So, what now.  I can't go through walls!

**Navi:** Maybe you can blow it up?

Link pulled out a bomb and tossed it at the wall.  The bomb collided with it then vanished.

**Link:** Wha?  Where'd it go?!?

He went over to the wall and pressed up against it.  He went through it! 

**Link:** Whoa!

**Navi:** LINK!!!  Where'd you go?!?

**Link:** I'm right here!  The wall is a fake!

Navi fluttered through the wall and came next to Link.

**Link:** Well, that's strange.  I don't like this place.  Let's get that item and get outta here!

**Navi:** For once, I agree with you.

Even though Link had drained it, the Well's floor was still ankle high in water, which was so dirty and disgusting that it seemed black, and in some places there were even pools of the liquid.  As they explored the Well, a few of the many horrible things they noticed were the walls that were made from human skulls, the bars that kept terrible monsters behind them, and, most frightening to Link, the hideous faces engraved in the walls that reminded him of the Fire Temple's faces.  Link ran past them and kept on jogging till he reached a symbol that rested in the ground.  He had seen it before in happier places: the symbol of the Triforce.  He came up to it and faced the statue that was in the wall directly in front of the symbol.  It was disgusting to behold, with bulging eyes and a forked tongue, and it had two claws outstretched towards the Triforce before it, as a sign of evil's desire for it.  But most obvious of all was the water, almost black with the filth of the Well that was coming forth from the mouth of the hideous statue, as if it was putting forth its evil vomit out into the Well.  Link, bearer of the Blade of Evil's Bane; the Hero of Time, faced it without fear, even though he was without the Blade as a child.  For the symbol that rested on the ground reminded him of all the happy places he had visited in his travels; of Kakariko overhead and all its happy villagers; of Hyrule Town Market; of Lon Lon Ranch; of the Castle, and of Zelda; and most of all, of Kokiri Forest and his friends there.  And those thoughts gave him hope; hope for him and all of Hyrule.  Now as he stood before the creature with his Ocarina to his lips it seemed to dwindle before him.  As the Ocarina of Time played the tune of Zelda's Lullaby, the stone creature almost seemed to be in agony, and the black vomit emitting from its mouth slowed then came to a complete stop as the song came to its end.  Now Link was free to explore the Well to its fullest.  Many of the places had been opened and even the evil seemed to have fled with the water.  Link wandered around the Well some more until he stumbled into a hole that was disguised as the floor.  As he got up from his fall he found himself in a lower floor of the Well.  It was dark and damp and glowed with an eerie light that came from a pool of green acid in the middle of the room.  As Link looked for a way out he came to a long, winding tunnel.  At the end of the tunnel he saw five tall figures, all in pink dresses, and a sixth figure wearing a dress, who looked different from the rest.  The five were discernable as Re-deads, but the sixth was…

**Link:** Smeagol?!?!?!?

**Smeagol:** Yes, Precioussssss?

**Link:** What are you doing here?!?!?  And why are you wearing that dress?!?

**Smeagol:** Well, we wanted to hang out with out friends, Precioussss, so we put on the dress.  Then we got hungry and tried to catch juicy fish in the green pond, but it BURNS USSSSS, PRECIOUSSSS!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** That's not water, Smeagol.  That's acid.

**Smeagol:** ACID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????!!!!!!!!!!  ACKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!  Bad acid, Preciousssss!!!  Very bad indeed!  

**Link:** And plus, you're in the wrong story.  So bye!

**Smeagol:** NO PRECIOUSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!- *pop*

**Link:** Ok…that was strange.

**Ned (in his REALLY shrill voice):** Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!

**Link:** AHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Link pulled out his sword instantly and slashed at Ned's arm.  It fell to the ground.

**Ned:** Aw man!  My arm fell off again!

Link went crazy, slashing and hacking at the Re-deads and eventually, one of them gave up.

**Sean:** Ummm…I'm dead!

He fell to the ground.  The other four came over and stood around his body.

**Ned:** Poor, poor Sean.  Let's give him a proper burial.  

They all fold their hands…at least, the ones who have two.

**Ned:** Dearly beloved dudes in pink dresses; we are gathered here today to grieve for the loss of one whom was very dear to us.  Let us bow our heads in prayer for a moment.

As they lower their heads they see one of the Re-deads crouching near Sean's body.

**Ned:** Earl!  What are you doing?!?

Earl looks up at them with a moth full of Sean.

**Earl:** I was hungry!

**Ned:** Oh well.

They all crouch down and take turns stuffing pieces of Sean into their mouths.

**Link:** Ok, that's just sick and wrong.

Link spots a chest and hurriedly opens it to receive…

**Music:** Du da da duuuuuuuuu!!!!!

**Link:** YAY!  A magnifying glass!

**Navi:** That's not a magnifying glass!  That's the Lens of Truth!  You can see the truth with it!

Link looks through it.

**Link:** WHOA!  X-ray vision!  Hey Navi, you're empty inside!  That means you've got no brains!

Navi starts to boil over.

**Link:** Ok, I'mouttahere!

He pockets it and runs off to find the exit to this…horrible place…and to get away from Navi!  He finds a ladder and climbs up it.  Eventually, he finds his way back to the fake wall and uses the Lens of Truth to reveal that there is no wall there.  He walks through and gets outside of the Well.  

**Link:** Yay!  Sunlight!

**Smeagol:** NOOOOO!!!!! THE YELLOW FACE, PRECIOUSSSSS!!!!!!

**Link:** Smeagol!  Get outta here!

**Smeagol:** *pop*

**Navi:** Now that we have the item, lets go to the Temple!

**Link (energetically):** Ok!

So Link heads to Hyrule Town Market and eventually arrives at the Temple of Time and goes up to the Pedestal of Time.  He sees the Master Sword in the stone and places two hands around the hilt.  He swiftly pulls it out of the stone and is transported to seven years in the future…

**END** **OF** **CHAPTER**


End file.
